5 Fun Cartoons You Never Noticed Have Really Dark Universes

In "Four-Eyed Jack," Grandpa tells the kids the story of a previous boarding house resident who used to do experiments in the basement until he died in an explosion. Now he supposedly haaaaaunts the boarding house until he finds his missing glaaaaasses. Arnold investigates the basement, only to find that Grandpa told them that story so he could take dank shits in private (that's reasonable). Later, we see the ghost of Four-Eyed Jack take his glasses back from a sleeping Arnold and try to tuck Gerald in, only for him to wake up screaming. Then it ends. That's it. Thanks for watching, children. Now stay tuned for The Angry Beavers!

Nickelodeon

This happens constantly. An episode will end in a Scooby-Doo reversal, only to re-reverse back to the supernatural being real. In another episode, Grandpa tells the kids a story about a haunted train. The legend is debunked, but afterwards, a real ghost train is seen flying off the tracks by one of the characters.

Nickelodeon

In another, Sid is made fun of for looking like a vampire at school, and in the end, he looks at the camera and grows fangs. Everything from a headless cabbie to a prohibition gangster to a ghost bride who ax-murdered her unfaithful fiance all turn out to be real.

Nickelodeon

It's even implied that one of the characters is mistakenly left to die at the hand of a ghost, because fourth-graders are cruel and unfeeling and won't give you a slice of their pizza no matter how often you tell them that you write for Cracked.com. By the next episode, no one ever mentions any of this shit. Arnold's city is full of undead murderers and monsters. And yet the most unbelievable aspect of the show is that Helga's dad makes a living selling beepers.

The fact that no one in the show even cares what's in the famous seaburger is strange, given its ... side effects. Remember, it's canon that the Krabby Patty contains some kind of addictive ingredient. In the episode "Pat No Pay," Patrick enters the Krusty Krab suffering from what SpongeBob calls "Krabby Patty Withdrawal." Mr. Krabs happily exploits this for profit, because he's a fucking asshole. SpongeBob recognizes the condition instantly, suggesting that he's seen this many times before. The encounter goes like this:

Mr. Krabs: "Yeesh, we need some customers in here. [Patrick comes in Krusty Krab groaning.] What's gotten into you?"

Patrick: "I don't know. [His stomach turns into different shapes and sizes.] What's happening to me?"

SpongeBob: "I think I can explain. [Lifts up Patrick's belly.] Yes, I've seen this one before. It's a common symptom. Patrick is suffering from Krabby Patty Withdrawal. He needs one, or he'll keep mumbling about it for the next 3 1/2 minutes."

Children of America: "I wonder what heroin is like."

In "Just One Bite," Squidward tries a Krabby Patty for the first time, and though he pretends otherwise, he is immediately addicted. He breaks into the patty vault like a junkie in the middle of the night and eats so many that he explodes. Here's his reaction the first time he has one:

Squidward: "Come on! Come on! Come on! [Holds up a Krabby Patty covered in sand] Ah ... still alive! [Shoves the whole thing in his mouth] Oh, soooo delicious! Oh! All the wasted years ... [Licks the ground] I gotta have more. I gotta have more! I gotta sneak one. Just one, then ... I'm off the stuff for good!"

Wow, that sounds like a goddamn drug addiction. If there's one Nickelodeon character who deserves their own depressing Netflix documentary, it's Squidward.

The patties are so addictive that even when Mr. Krabs experiments with different ideas, like a synthetic patty made of garbage, people still can't help themselves.

Nickelodeon

Oh, and in case you're wondering why the Bikini Bottom Health Dept. doesn't shut his operation down, it's probably because Krabs once tried to murder a health inspector! WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? SPONGE-SHAPED DRUG MULE.

A handful of times, we get a glimpse into the utterly fraudulent world of fairy justice. In the TV movie "Timmy's Secret Wish," Timmy gets accused of making a secret wish (obviously), which is totes illegal, putting Timmy on fairy trial as the Worst Godchild Ever. Wanda attempts in vain to show the fairy council all the good Timmy has done, but then evidence is uncovered showing that Timmy did actually make a secret wish. This sort of behavior is forbidden for good reason: If a wish isn't recorded, Timmy could accidentally alter spacetime! But for some reason, wishing torture upon his babysitter is A-OK. It's hard to nail down any kind of justice when the god of your universe is a sociopathic kid with little to no parental supervision.

After a grill-down by Jorgen Von Strangle, Timmy admits the shocking truth: He wished that he would be ten years old forever, and then wished that Cosmo would forget about granting it (though knowing Cosmo, he may have just forgotten it anyway). When the council asks when he made it, Timmy guesses over 50 years ago.

Holy shit.

That means every episode of this show has just been Timmy's selfish attempt to live forever, sticking all his friends and family in a perpetual Groundhog Day hell. This was in Season 8, so it's possible that every previous season took place over years and years, unbeknownst to any of the characters. This makes the supernatural "truther" Mr. Crocker's plight even sadder than it seems. He's been trying to convince the world that fairies exist for five freakin' decades straight, with no end in sight. He'll be a laughingstock among mankind for potentially forever.

The council undoes the wish as punishment, suddenly throwing the world 50 years in the future. Timmy saves the day after a series of misadventures and begs the council to reconsider their punishment, even if he never gets to make another wish. The council stands their ground because it would be crazy to suddenly throw the world decades back and forth through time like that and- haha, nope. The council sides with the insane fourth-grader and sends the Universe back to the "present," presumably allowing Timmy to live his terrible Matrix-like fantasy for hundreds of years to come. Wait a minute. Are we all living in Timmy's play land? What year is it actually? Oh no. This makes way too much sense.

This is especially strange given that there is an Area-51-like secret military base right in Jimmy's town. The one time the military is even called on, it's to defeat Jimmy and his friends when they accidentally turn into mutants ala the X-Men. C'mon, at least try to weaponize them.

I'm no prehistoric biologist, but inhaling all that dust cannot be great for mammoth respiratory systems. In other scenes, we see Wilma use a fish as a knife, and Fred employing a clinically depressed bird as a record player.

Hanna-Barbera

Hanna-Barbera

Crabs are lawnmowers, octopi are dishwashers ... Barney even creates musical instruments out of turtles and stegosauruses. Let's not mince words here: All of these creatures have PTSD and live in fear. Making things worse is the fact that the humans are aware of the concept of pets -- Dino is basically a regular dog with a bigger appetite. But somehow, he is safe from the torment of being a dehumidifier or whatever. Everyone else, though? Trapped in prehistoric domestic servitude. It's like owning a rabbit that you solely use as a broom, and then just putting it away in the closet until next week. That's every Bedrock animal's life.

It's not like the show tries to hide this, either. The first scene of the intro shows Fred yanking a Brachiosaur's neck against its will. This is presented to you before you even find out what a Flintstone is, so you know where their priorities lie.

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This Spongebob Squarepants costume can help you forget the confusing secret nightmares of your childhood. Just in time for Halloween--or any time you want! It's your life!

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