5 Accidentally Horrifying Games For Little Girls
As a 7-year-old girl writing under the guise of an adult man, I like to unwind from a hard day's work with a relaxing flash game. Unfortunately, as Cracked's super awesome C. Coville has pointed out before, the games' creators understand the desires of little girls about as well as a clown whose signature trick is decapitating a pony. Sites such as AgnesGames.com, PlayMary.com, and GirlBell.com sound inviting, but hidden beneath their cutesy exteriors are realms of madness shaped by underpaid foreign programmers with crippling night terrors. Let's play some!
Dora Face Infection
Most of Dora the Explorer's adventures involve nature walks and counting, but whatever she explored on this fateful day went far beyond the ken of mortal man.
"Swiper, no unlocking the Black Gate of Xal'qut'onth!"
"Dora the Explorer is very sad," we're told, "because after the last adventure through the forest is full of wrinkled facial skin, after he fell and rolled in wild nettles." But, wrinkles and gender dysphoria are the least of Dora's problems, as her "wild adventure" appears to have taken her through the Cambodian Killing Fields. "Have fun with Dora," we're mockingly instructed as her dead eyes tell us she will never know fun again.
The first step in the healing process is applying a poultice to Dora's face while a mushroom boner measures your progress. Dora's continued stare into the infinite void, while her upbeat theme song loops, is an unnerving sensory contradiction akin to watching a supermodel strangle puppies to "Don't Worry, Be Happy."
Can you say: "We live on a placid island of ignorance in the
midst of black seas of the infinity?"
Let's zoom in because, if you get close enough, you can pinpoint the exact blow that rent her soul atwain.
"Yes, the needle. Hurry. Hurry!"
My four attempts to heal Dora ended in failure, as this game wasn't programmed so much as a smattering of semicolons and art assets gained self-awareness and regretted it. But, even if we could patch every physical wound, there's no healing the mental scarring. I did, however, find their cause.
I hope they've added enough features to justify upgrading from the Dressup Games 7 edition.
I'm showing you the full screen both to minimize the impact of Dora's radiant butt checks and to prove that I found this on a children's site, not the fetish page where I get my Phineas and Ferb erotica. The premise is "Dora is naughty at school recently,she doesn't even prepare for final exam with dedication ,her mother is very angry and decides to give her a lesson,she will spank Dora butt!" It seems hypocritical to punish Dora for her academic failings with grammar that could summon the vengeful spirit of E.B. White, but, regardless, we're told to "Spank the booty as fast as you can." The first step is to select which implement you want a lawyer to later hold up in court.
Sure, take your belt off, make it even weirder.
Dora looks disturbingly happy to receive punishment ...
Exploring your kinks is important too.
... but tears fall and stock screams emerge with every uncomfortable strike. At one point, I managed to reach 359 miles per hour. That's not a punishment for bad academic performance, that's an attempt to flay Dora's very being from existence. But, no matter the speed, beneath the surface of Dora's cute little world lies a never ending hellscape of corporal punishment and glimpses into the ultimate void of chaos.
Tom Is Cheating On Angela
The perfect tool for teaching your daughter why Mommy is a heartless shrew or why Daddy is sleeping in the car, Tom Is Cheating On Angela introduces adultery to an audience that's still coming to terms with the fact that an obese reindeer herder doesn't bring them tribute every winter. T&A, as I'll obviously be calling them, are an anthropomorphic cat couple going through a rough patch.
And Angela's body proportions are cheating on nature.
Angela is the blushing head stuffed on a sassy mannequin, and she "was very bad with Tom lately, and he wants revenge. Near the house of Tom and Angela, a beautiful kitty has just moved. Angela is red with anger, and she suspects that something is wrong. Use your agility and protect Tom!"
I'm not sure why we're being asked to take sides in what is clearly a toxic relationship, especially with so many unanswered questions. What was this unspecified bad act? An affair? Complaints about Tom's barbed penis? Why does Tom think his neighbor's front yard is the ideal location for a lengthy make-out session? Why do Tom and Angela walk on two feet while this unspecified hussy struts around on all fours? These and many other questions will go tragically unanswered, at least until I write the official strategy guide.
Unfortunately, the More button doesn't move them to second base.
Two cartoon cats making out looks ... wait, is that the same mushroom boner from the Dora game? Holy shit, it is! Sorry, I got sidetracked. Back to the fornicating cats -- there's no animation, they just hold that pose while an endless cavalcade of hearts float into the sky to blind passing pilots. Tom doesn't even blink, although the nameless neighbor bats her eyelashes like the relationship-destroying whore that she is.
Every now and then, an exclamation mark will warn you that Angela is about to appear. Disengage the lip-lock, and she'll find nothing amiss about her husband and their slutty neighbor gazing wistfully into each other's eyes. But, if she spots you touching tongues, she'll put a stop to it with a look that's ... irate? Baffled? Gassy?
Maybe she saw the ad for the Dora game and is futilely trying to process it.
Make out enough, and you'll be rewarded with essentially the same screen, which is either a hard-hitting commentary on the damage caused by infidelity or proof that the developer didn't expect anyone to complete a marathon stealth-pecking session. To further confuse you, there's a timer that has no consequence beyond reminding me of my fleeting mortality and the theme music from Barbie's direct-to-DVD-and-parental-regret Rapunzel. While "Don't look in the tower, it's not where I'll be," is probably inspiring in context, here it only enhances my suspicion that this is based on a nightmare a 6 year old had after she saw Daddy gave her kindergarten teacher a special no-clothes hug because her teacher doesn't yell at him like Mommy does.
Tom and Angela are staples in the "try to distract your daughter for five minutes and accidentally open up a barrel of uncomfortable questions" genre, with the two doing everything from vacationing to bringing a kitten into the world. So, this is either an early hurdle they put behind them or a portrait of a once happy marriage collapsing into shambles. Write your fan fiction accordingly.
It's never too early to teach a child what it's like to hold a life in their hands. Most of these games take a euphemistic view of medicine, as you'll perform surgery with equal parts pixie dust and unicorn love. But, Appendix Surgery puts the pressure on right from the start, motherfuckers!
"I'll just stand here and look beautiful, in case I'm the last thing she ever sees."
Sure, the patient looks more concerned about getting out in time for spin class than staring down her mortality, but that's actually pretty ballsy considering how underdressed for surgery her nurse is. You're an inspiration, woman whose name I've already forgotten. Let's jab you in the stomach.
"It's also a symptom of getting randomly prodded, but we better play it safe."
To confirm the diagnosis, we draw a blood sample by tying a seat belt around her arm and drawing out a very diseased-looking vein.
Hopefully, this hospital also does rehab.
After a trip to the lab and a stop in the equipment room, we enter surgery. You cut through skin, fat, and muscle, while holding everything open with forceps. Though, as far as I know, that's accurate (note: my entire understanding of medicine comes from Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman), it's an odd mix of explicit, technical, and cavalier. You'll casually pull apart a muscle with your hands, only to neatly sew it up when you're done. Hack deep enough into her body, and the appendix comes into view.
"Please try not to think about the fact that at least one creep
on the Internet has drawn porn of me."
You snip it off, stitch everything back together, apply gauze to the wound, and get rewarded with this screen and absolutely nothing else.
"Now, get the fuck back to work. Welcome to the real world, you little shit."
You don't even get a thank you from the patient, who probably ran off to eat Greek yogurt at her Pilates class. But, now you can challenge expert mode! The expert patient has a different but equally inappropriate outfit, and the nurse doesn't walk you through the process, preferring to stand idly by as you repeatedly attempt to jam a bandage into the patient's large intestine. Your only ally is what sounds vaguely like a Disney cover of the Rocky theme.
Shouldn't I have an assistant for this? Does this hospital only employ three people?
I managed to avoid the equipment room traps such as the Swingline stapler, giant screw, very small cloud, and black lemon. The reward for a more or less competent surgery was again lacking, but I'm confident I could do this for real now if I wasn't explicit warned not to.
Come on, I don't think it would go that wrong.
Ella Plastic Surgeon
Let's help a hideous she-beast lose some weight and become a worthy human being again, assuming you can even stand to look at her without vomiting from every orifice. But, first, let's have a word from our child-appropriate sponsors.
I know Mazda targets the youth market, but come on.
"Ella has so much extra weight, she wants to lose weight and she decides that the fastest and most effective way is a plastic surgery," we're told. "Let's make small cuts on problem areas and suck out the extra fat for her." Just what weight did Ella balloon out to that surgery became the only option? Does she live on Taco Bell Island?
By modern standards she's as fit as a double bass.
Huh. I don't mean to question the medical prowess of 1went.net, but I feel like exercise and diet might be more viable options here. But, it's Ella's body, and I support a woman's right to choose to have an invasive procedure in an ultimately futile attempt to live up to society's unrealistic and ever-shifting standards of beauty. Let's get to work!
I sure hope "anesthetize the patient" was on someone else's checklist before I got in here.
Uh, shouldn't we make one cut at a time, rather than let seven openings sit and fester while we suck out all that unsightly shoulder fat? However, my concerns are soon alleviated by the miracle of modern medicine, as the machine doesn't even have to be connected before all that life-ruining blubber is expelled from this foul monster.
Some fancy-looking thing that doesn't appear to work? What is this, homeopathic plastic surgery?
When the surgery was complete, I got to choose Ella's hair and clothing because who doesn't go to the plastic surgeon for fashion advice? An endless rain of stars fell from the ceiling when I finished because, if you get plastic surgery, everything will be wonderful forever.
Fun fact: The Go button does nothing throughout the entire game.
And so Ella, now a slim, trim spoiled princess rocking the deranged 1960s housewife look, was ready to be released back into polite society for as long as her twiggy legs can hold her. Which looks to be about eight seconds, the same length of time the game's funky lounge soundtrack lasts before repeating for a nauseating infinity. Beauty comes at a terrible price, kids.
Elsa Throat Doctor
Frozen was a massive boon to the crappy flash game industry. Anna and Elsa have been dressed up more times than a fashion model, pumped out enough babies to start a baseball league, and suffered more medical emergencies than a clumsy hemophiliac, sometimes while being infants themselves.
Featuring the hit song "Do You Want To Perform An
Emergency Tracheotomy? Because You Fucking Have To."
But, I would like to focus on Elsa's trip to the dentist. Sounds innocent enough, right? I know going to the dentist sucks, but how bad could ...
"LEH IH GUH, LEH IH GUH!"
Oh. Well, that will haunt my restless nights for eternity. And that's just the title screen. There's no warning, just "here's your beloved princess in obvious pain, get to work!" Once you hit play, you revert to a fearful-looking Elsa about to have her howling void of a mouth ripped open by a serial killer's first attempt at a torture device, but you can't stop what's coming. If you want to clean Elsa's disgusting maw, you need to look at the terror in her eyes and ignore it like she's a sick dog you're taking behind the barn.
No, I don't know why you have to click on a Pez dispenser to operate it.
I've never seen that tool at a dentist before, but, then again, my dentist isn't a fugitive Nazi running a diamond smuggling operation. Traditionally, a patient's mouth is opened with a polite request, so the game immediately going to robot nipple clamps raises a host of disturbing scenarios that Cracked's legal team says I can't share with you because therapy is expensive. Once Elsa's forcibly opened up, you use a variety of tools, most of which you never want to see anywhere near your teeth, to purge her mouth of disgusting critters.
At least I don't have to freeze her mouth for her, am I right? But, seriously, she's suffering.
How rarely do you have to floss before jamming a giant needle into a big red pustule anchored in sea of giant microbes (macrobes?) looks like a viable option? Teaching children dental hygiene is important, but this will just teach them to never look in a mirror with their mouth open.
At one point, you zoom in with an oral death laser to battle rejected Metroid monsters. Enjoy your next trip to the dentist, kids! It will be a fucking war zone!
"Remember, children, brush your teeth, or I WILL CONSUME THEM."
When the last of the creepy-crawlies are purged, Elsa will thank you and say she feels fine because Beast Castle Syndrome is a serious problem in the Disney world. Speaking of problems, Frozen characters undergoing dental surgery that's horrifying even by the standards of their medieval world is an entire genre. Here's Hans, reminding us that he's the villain by showing that he's destroyed every toothbrush to come within a mile of him.
"Love may be an open door, but my mouth is a portal to endless hated."
A light porno groove plays as we clean what once were teeth. You can also rip them right out, or -- if you really want to punish him for jerking Anna around -- you can clean them and then destroy them. And then fill his mouth with water. And then gaze at the monster you've created while silently contemplating the follies of man.
That's what you get for attempting regicide, motherfucker!
You can leave him to his suffering, or insert new teeth if you're feeling merciful. Not dentures, just random teeth you happen to have lying around.
Meet Prince Hans of the Pimpin' Islands.
Ah, much better. Nothing enhances a set of pearly whites like jagged edges and stylish star-and-diamond cut-outs. Now he can eat soup without opening his mouth! Oh, but we're not done yet.
Correction: the Mad Pimpin' Islands.
Hans' teeth are now colored and pimped out with a variety of jewels and decals. Hitting done earns me a round of applause and a warning that "the adventure continues." I assume they're referring to the many adventures Hans will have in Frozen 2 as the world's snazziest male prostitute.
You can read more from Mark, or play his Hello Kitty Euthanasia game, at his website.
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