With all the media attention given to controversial video games, it's strange that the games we play on our browsers tend to be overlooked. As we've shown before, the genre is brimming with games that make Silent Hill look like Pac-Man. But at least those games were aimed mostly at adults. One would think that browser games for children would avoid any long trips to Creepy Town. And you'd be right: They're all completely normal. There's totally not one weird children's browser game out there in the dank corridors of the Internet, especially not one called ...
#6. Barbie Lice Control
Ah, childhood. Playing outside in the sun, enjoying candy that still tasted good, picking wingless insects out of each other's hair. Who wouldn't be nostalgic for that? Luckily, there's a children's game that can help us relive those carefree days:
Barbie Lice Control allows players to experience all the sparkly fun of gradually separating Barbie's hair into small sections, running a small comb through those sections, and then using a tissue to wipe away the eggs and dead lice that have accumulated in it. I can't think of a better way to spend a slow Saturday morning, except maybe washing diarrhea out of my cat's fur, but I'm not sure that would have the same excitement level. After all, Barbie Lice Control also gives us a microscope scene, where you can zoom in and see the individual lice crawling around on Barbie's scalp.
At least I hope it's her scalp.
It's undeniably exciting, but maybe that's not enough for the infestation-obsessed small child in your life. If that's the case, there's also ...
#5. Draculaura Foot Doctor
Draculaura from Monster High is a popular character on the "games for young girls" circuit. I don't know much about the Monster High doll franchise, but the official site tells me she's a stylish vampire who is 1,600 years old and still in high school, which I'm sure you'll agree makes her a good role model for your children. In the world of this particular game, though, Draculaura seems to have graduated and made her way through medical school, because she's now treating people's disgusting feet:
Draculaura Foot Doctor is even worse than those zit-popping games that were all the rage a while ago, because at least those were limited to one type of disgustingness. Here, you have to deal with what looks like a toenail fungus; a thatch of large, juicy pustules; and a splinter that must be removed with a pair of needle-nose pliers. And even that leaves aside the most disturbing part, which is the question of what a vampire is doing working at a hospital. Sure, Draculaura's creators claim the character is a vegan, but it's a bit suspicious that she's chosen a profession that allows her easy access to blood banks and patients who "probably would have died anyway."
But Draculaura's exploits are just one of many "let's cut people up" games available for today's young people to explore. There's also Barbie Brain Surgery, which tells the player that "Barbie is not feeling well" and then presents us with a picture of a young blonde woman surrounded by medical equipment. First you must take Barbie's temperature, which reveals she has a fever. Instead of, you know, handing her some Tylenol and going from there, the game forces you to knock her out with anesthetic gas, shave her head, and cut open her skull. If this was a scene in Grand Theft Auto, the whole franchise would have been rightfully banned by now, but apparently torturing Barbie is just something kids are into these days. And you know what? The game actually gets weirder from there.
Those are Barbie's diseased neurons. I'm not kidding.
And if shady surgery on young women isn't your thing, there is Pou Nose Doctor, where you operate on the bloody nostrils of an anthropomorphized lump of poo. It's like the abstract concept of the Internet and the country of Japan married and had a baby. But what if you're a 9-year old that enjoys blood but doesn't want to commit to surgery? Don't worry, because you can also play ...
#4. Sofia the First Tattoo
"Princess Sofia just opened a tattoo studio, and she wants to get her first tattoo," this game tells us on its intro screen. It's not clear how Sofia got the license for that studio, because as this page for her Disney Junior show informs us, she is only 8 years old. But maybe they have different rules for princesses, so we'll let that one slide and assume it's a weird kingdom. Sofia has a talking bird friend named Mia, and we're told by this game that the princess "loves Mia very much, and she will tattoo her on her face."
This rare picture allows us to actually see a mugshot being born.
Now, I'm not sure one's face is a good location for a first tattoo, particularly since blue is one of the hardest tattoo ink colors to remove, but who am I to judge? She's royalty, and we're just commoners who don't understand that Sofia will love this bird forever and ever, and they'll never, ever break up. The game description concludes with instructions to "have fun coloring Sofia's tattoo and make her beautiful and cool," which we can all agree is a great message for a game aimed at your young daughters. There's nothing like telling a young child that the only way to be "beautiful and cool" is to tattoo a huge colorful bird on her fucking face. And speaking of decisions that will affect a young person's life forever, your daughter can also experience the joy of ...