It was at that quiet moment when your elbows and knees were pinning me to the floor but just before you slapped on the handcuffs that I started to get the sense that maybe you didn't like me. I have a habit of reading too much into the actions of others, but when you insisted that I "don't fucking move," I couldn't help but notice that your cadence was verging on confrontational. Am I off base? Please know that everything I did after that point was a direct attempt to turn your opinion of me around, and I'm willing to admit, most of it was wildly unsuccessful.
I'm Sorry I Tried to Break the Ice With All Those Jokes You Hated
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After you had pulled me up from the floor and pushed me against the hallway wall for a while instead, I had two lucid although unrelated thoughts:
1) I hope this doesn't take long because my front door is still wide open and my AC unit is just burning energy at this point.
2) So this is why no one on COPS is ever wearing a shirt.
I misjudged you based on your appearance, meth head. It turns out we are the same.
But of course you remember all that because I said both of those things out loud. Now, I couldn't see your faces at the time because mine was pressed so firmly into that wall, but it certainly didn't sound like any of you were laughing. I'm the most sorry about that. I am a comedian by profession, but when I don't get a good response from an audience, the delivery of my jokes suffers. It's something I need to work on, I know that.
Two of you went to search the rest of the house while three of you stayed with me and made idle conversation like "Do you have any weapons or explosives in the house?" and "Why didn't you answer the fucking door?" I had some really killer answers lined up for each of these questions as well, but again, my confidence was sapped, so I really don't feel like you got a good sense of how much fun I can be. Instead I answered, "No," and "Because I thought you were trying to kill us," respectively, which I admit is not very funny.