And now we've gone full maniac.
I have to give you the context on this one immediately, before somebody (quite understandably) calls a SWAT team: The shovels and axes are "recommended for my purchase" because I was buying camping gear. The restraints are there because I bought ratchet straps to transport my motorcycle. The uh ... the ornate murder-face masks are because I bought a neck-warmer thing for winter riding, I think? And the knives are there because I buy an objectively crazy amount of knives, you guys. There's no spinning that one.
But none of that really matters, does it? If I was surfing Amazon for a USB charger at a coffee shop and somebody walked behind me and saw that list of products on my laptop, there would be a full-scale evacuation. I didn't actually buy these products, I would explain to the shouting, Taser-wielding officers, it's just what the Internet thinks I would like based on my other purchases! But it's too late. This is out there, somewhere, with my name and credit card number attached to it.
![4 Ways to Tell If You're Creepy (Using the Internet)]()
Which, combined with the rest of my Internet history, paints a rather compelling picture of a dangerously unstable Ketamine addict with a severe mental condition, most likely brought on by his own repressed homosexuality, who is plainly planning on abducting Freddie Prinze Jr. and holding him hostage with some dick artillery.
Man, I knew this would end badly, but not that badly. I think this shit makes me the absolute iron-fisted ruler of the Internet weirdos. Ah well, nothing left to do now but embrace it. What do your results say? Do you think to challenge the God-Queen Psychosexual? Keep in mind that Ketamine dulls pain, I know how to turn french fries into high explosives and I'm motherfucking fluent in knives.

Buy Robert's stunning, transcendental, orgasmic science fiction novel, Rx: A Tale of Electronegativity, right here. Or buy Robert's other (pretty OK) book, Everything Is Going to Kill Everybody: The Terrifyingly Real Ways the World Wants You Dead. Follow him on Tumblr, Twitter and Facebook.
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