4 Sites Where You See the World Going to Hell in Real Time
The Internet is like a giant brain. The people using it are the neurons, firing often stupid and useless information around at the speed of light. Your Facebook and Twitter feeds give you a teeny, tiny, highly specified glimpse into that collective thought, but it's a whole different story when you're able to pull back and get a larger view -- to see the hive mind in real-time action. Well, at the risk of all our sanity, I found some websites out there that do exactly that. They're all beautifully visualized representations of what the Internet is up to, in real time, as its happening. And trust me, they open a whole new world of stupid. So if you've ever wanted to know what's currently on the Internet's mind, you can start by heading over to ...
GIFhell.com: Where the GIFs Posted on Twitter Are Live Streamed
If the Internet is like a giant brain, Twitter is the part that mass produces random thoughts that pop into your head at inappropriate times, like wondering if the body is dressed during a closed casket funeral. GIFhell.com would be the part that pops in random and bizarre mental images that you can't shake ... if you were a full-blown paranoid schizophrenic. It live streams GIFs people are tweeting, and all you have to do is sit back, watch, and prepare for the inevitable insanity.
The GIFs all seem to fall into a handful of categories. The first would be Asian pop stars. I have no idea who any of them are, or if they're even pop stars. But they do give off an Asian pop star vibe, which means they look like Final Fantasy characters. The two are interchangeable, really.
Next up are teen heartthrobs, most of which are of the wispy, slightly feminine, male pop star breed. This includes your Justin Biebers, your One Directions, and other men who look like bulimic lesbians.
Then, of course, there's porn. In my hours of observation, it seems like the GIF stream gets pornier as the day goes on, which makes sense. As morning stretches to afternoon across America, people are eating lunch and sipping their afternoon coffees and jacking it in their office restrooms so they can feel refreshed and ready to tackle the second half of the workday.
Wow. She fit it all in there, including the legs. Impressive.
Finally, there's the weird. The truly weird, not just Internet-weird. For example, one GIF I can't post here featured what appeared to be a woman who had full control of her vaginal lips and was able to move them to and fro like it was imitating the sound of an alarm: "mahhhhh, mahhhh, mahhhh."
Overall, it's a strange feeling, watching the GIFs pop in one after another. Between the Bieber and The Vampire Diaries GIFs, it's like peering into the mind of a 14-year-old girl ... but then vicious porn shows up, and suddenly it's not a 14-year-old girl at all -- it's the mind of a 44-year-old male pedophile trying to think like a 14-year-old girl. That's a good way to describe the Internet as a whole, really, and not just Twitter. But if you want to label Twitter as anything, maybe it would be homophobic. At least, that's what I've gathered after spending some time on ...
NoHomophobes.com: a Live Stream of Gay Slurs Used on Twitter
As I write this sentence, the word faggot has been used 7,502 times on Twitter within the past 24 hours. "No homo" has been used 2,783 times. "Dyke" has been used 1,270 times. And the phrase "So gay" has been used 2,872 times. The contexts for each are all different. Some were ironic, some were used within the context of a direct quote, some were playfully (though ignorantly) used with no intent to harm, and some were meant in the meanest, most hateful way possible.
I know all of this because of NoHomophobes.com, a site that taps directly into the gay slur centers of the Twittersphere and streams every usage of those four terms live, in real time, only seconds after a Twitter user sends it out into the world. It's men. It's women. It's people of every race and nationality. It's baby boomers, Gen X-ers, and millennials. From the sheer volume of usage, there's a damn good chance it's probably a lot of gay people, too. I mean, there would have to be at least some gay people tweeting the word "faggot," seeing the grand total of tweets containing the word since NoHomophobes.com went live in 2012 is just over 31 million.
The site gets interesting when you check the interactive line chart that details the frequency of use for each word since the site launched. "Faggot" is used more than any of the four terms, by far, but check out June 4th, 2013, as represented by the green line:
Notice how after June 4th, the use of "faggot" drops dramatically, and it just so happens to be the day with the second-highest usage of the word, being tweeted nearly 66,000 times in 24 hours. I guess the world had decided it was time to leave the word behind, so everyone got it out of their system with one big farewell bonanza. Since then, the word has been in steady decline. As of January 2015, faggot's average usage in tweets is somewhere in the range of 15,000 to 18,000 per day, and falling. Yes, it seems June 4th, 2013 officially marked the decline of the word ... which is why January 1st, 2014 is such a weird day. On that day, after months of decline, "faggot" roared back with a vengeance:
But just for one day. After New Year's Day 2014, when faggot was tweeted more than 65,000 times, the word went right back into remission. But still, that means for one very strange New Year's Day, "faggot" and "Happy New Year!" were seemingly interchangeable. Doesn't make much sense, but the stats back up a spike in insanity. Sadly, no amount of data can explain the schizophrenic insanity of ...
ThePirateCinema.com: Where a Nauseating Live Montage of Movie Torrents Is Streamed 24/7
When you download a torrent, you're not downloading the file from one source and in the order the file is organized. You're getting the file from multiple people, and you're getting it in bits and pieces from all over the file. One second you could be downloading the opening scene of Interstellar, and the next it's the end credits. If you tried playing the file, it would be a chaotic, incoherent mess. So, of course, this being this Internet, where the most common explanation for people's actions is "just cuz," a guy created a live stream that turns the current top 100 most-downloaded movie torrents in the world into a surreal, quick-cutting, incomprehensible and ever-evolving montage. And to answer the question on all of your minds -- yes, of course it was created as a pretentious art project.
The video above is just a sample of the stream. If you want to see it live, head over to the site, where you'll also be treated to the explanation the creator of The Pirate Cinema stream gives detailing the intricacies of how he created it. It's highly technical and very boring. Here's a small example:
The Peer-to-Peer Sharing protocol is based on small samples file fragmentation, it is an exchange unit or chunk.
"... or chunk."
I'll just surmise the guy's full explanation as, "I made a thing that can do it" and leave it at that. The more fun explanation is the one he gave for why he did it -- the purpose of the whole thing:
The Pirate Cinema proposes a way of perceiving the film as a digital stream, or rather streams spread worldwide. In other words, The Pirate Cinema proposes to watch the films again through the logic of cables (which is unique to each connection and location).
The guy wants you to watch movies like a cable. And not Cable from the X-Men. He means wires and shit. He wants you to be a cable. I guess to make a larger point about the suffering we put cables through? About how cables can never watch more than a second of a movie at a time and how that sucks for them? I don't know. All I know is that the resulting stream feels like I'm riding a motorcycle through a series of portals that run through different movie theaters playing different movies.
I really wish I had a picture of me riding a motorcycle through a series of portals
that run through different movie theaters playing different movies.
You might also notice there's something a little ... off about the montage of clips: there's no porn. You'd think if you were to tap directly into the brain of an illegal torrenting service, there would be balls flapping over here and tits swinging over there, but that's not the case. That's most likely because even in the seedy, underground world of torrenting, mainstream Hollywood hits are still a bigger draw than boobs. But if all you want out of your Internet experience is boobs, well you're just like the many millions of Internet pervs whose, let's say, creative porn search queries can be found on ...
PornMD.com: Where Real Porn Search Terms Are Live Streamed for the World to See
Look, I can get all verbose and describe in vivid (and no doubt hysterical) detail all the wonderful, seedy, fantastic, and disgusting reasons PornMD.com is one of the very best sites on the Internet. I can explain to you why PornMD perfectly encapsulates the premise of this column. I can get really deep and philosophical about it, too. I can draw a lot of parallels and make interesting comparisons and try to explain how and why this site is the definitive website to visit if you want to tap into the core of what the Internet is thinking at any given time.
I can do all that, but I won't.
This is all you need to know: PornMD.com is a search engine run by and specifically for all the websites owned by PornHub.com. One of the features of the site is a live stream of all the search terms people from all over the world are typing to find the porn that's right for them. I watched the stream for exactly one hour. Most of the terms were run-of-the-mill porn terminology. Others, though ... they were a bit more specific. This is the best of what I saw:
Bukakke shoot turns violent
I have a wife (NOTE: I'm pretty sure the dude who typed this felt like he was being tempted by Pornhub and was trying to remind Pornhub that he's a faithful, married man.)
Asian street meat anal
He keeps cumming (NOTE: Sounds like a line from a panicked 911 call.)
Strap on fight
Pets quarters of women
Crying please stop
Jerk off encouragement
Eyebrow shave compilation
Pussy in ant hill
I could have clicked on any of these search terms and seen what they would have linked me to, but I never did. Why would I? Why would I ruin the mental images these terms spark? I'd rather laugh trying to imagine what kind of porn "Mormon Garments" and "Crying please stop" brings up, than be disappointed/mortified by the actual results.
Luis is sitting in his room of wall-to-wall TVs, and he's watching you. He's watching you all. In the meantime, you can find him on Twitter and Tumblr.
For more from Luis, check out What 5 Internet Celebrities Did After They Got Famous and 4 Obnoxious Behaviors The Modern World Made Worse.
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