3

Shitty Behavior

Ever heard of Alexander Pichushkin? He's a Russian serial killer known for beating his victim's heads in with a hammer, then jamming a bottle of vodka into the hole. He was convicted of 49 murders, but claimed to have committed 60. A woman named Natalya started writing him in prison and fell in love. The two would be getting married if not for the fact that he's in Russia's version of the Star Trek Rura Penthe prison out in the dark reaches of Siberia, where any potential escapees would either freeze to death or be eaten by guard dogs. Here's where I pause for you to finish laughing.

2

Politics

Very likely, there's one thing we can agree on about politics, regardless of our personal beliefs, and that is that the entire political process in 2017 is tongue-blast-a-wolverine's-butthole insane and everyone else is wrong all the time. The fun thing about analyzing how people support their own candidates / positions / edicts from the Dark Shaper of Flesh and Gristle is that we all believe the other guy is by and large so far up their own ass that they may be pooping out of their own mouths again.

Pixabay/PeteLinforth

In the recent American election, we had two major sides represented. On one hand were the people who believed Donald Trump was the apricot antichrist who would tell you how cold a room was even after you set him on fire, and that Hillary Clinton was America's Obi-Wan. On the other hand were the people who are pretty sure Hillary Clinton has hooves, makes child prostitutes eat pizza, and maybe once sold all of America to a Filipino fisherman in exchange for some shiny rocks, while Donald Trump's honesty and integrity would lead us into a new era of power ties. But who was right?

I dropped out of poli sci in college after a month, so I'm pretty sure I understand the political process. And my observations have led me to believe that both sides were more deluded than your dog thinking you're BBQing those T-bones just for him. And the politics don't even matter, which is the sad and terrifying part. (Saddifying? Sure.) It's that we will go to the ends of the Earth to support not necessarily the person who has the qualifications and convictions we believe in, but the person who opposes the one we don't. Did most people who voted Trump vote for him, or against Hillary? Is an election about making your country better or just metaphorically ass-blasting everyone you think is dumb?

Pixabay/itsara

1

Relationships

Working pantsless most days means that I'm often alone in my home with my many, many cats and my TV. And if daytime TV has taught me one thing, it's that no one who watches Maury has ever intentionally gotten pregnant. It also teaches us that a certain subsection of women can come home from work, find a pair of earrings that don't belong to them, find a used condom on their pillow and a note written in lipstick on the mirror to their husband about how awesome his wiener is, and they will still require Steve Wilkos to give that man a lie detector test because they have a sneaking suspicion he may be cheating.

You've probably had at least one friend who was up to their nuts or lady-nuts in a terrible relationship that they refused to end, on the head-shakingly stupid grounds that they loved the other person. It's never said with conviction, and often sounds like a child whining about eating vegetables. "But I looooooove Gunther!" they'll say. And you'll say, "Fuck Gunther right in his crooked ear!" because Gunther has been sleeping with that one-legged lady who smells like Funyuns, and we all know it. But his girlfriend or wife will put up with it probably until the day she wakes up with Gunther actually plooking the other lady's Funyun chute in the same bed.

Dwight Burdette

It's not the other person's infidelity that makes us so blind to a bad relationship; it's our own insecurity. Of course someone else could be unfaithful. That's not an issue. But how could someone be unfaithful to me? This shit happens to other people, not to me. It's almost a perversion of that issue of being blind to your own lack of singing skills -- you feel like it reflects poorly on you, you don't understand how you could possibly be fucking this up, you don't want to hear it. And of course in this case it's not you, and your friends will always tell you that. But even the most confident amongst us still feels burned deep down inside when someone we really care about betrays us. It hurts us and makes us feel like we screwed up somehow. So we can't allow it. That used condom must have been stuck to the cat's paw. That lipstick message is probably just the landlord stalking us. That Funyun stink is literally just Funyuns. Sweaty, old Funyuns.

Pixabay/MichaelGaida

Generally speaking, the only way this situation gets resolved is when the person ignoring all the evidence finally gets tired of lying to themselves. You can tell them the truth 100 times over, and it won't mean anything until they're ready to hear it. That is a pretty awful truth in itself about the way the human mind can work, but it's also the only way many of us will ever allow truth to sink in.

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