Since 1831, Pumblechook & Figg, Impourter of Thynges, has brought you, the consumer, any manner of mercantile goods to fill the ever-expanding sense of despair in your daily doings. Since then, P&F has grown into the world's leading supplier of everything, with warehouses on every block in the world. If we don't have it, you're making it up like a goddamn liar.

Ahem.

O, lucky sir or madam! How jealous we are of you, for you grasp in your hands no mere catalog, but the once-only joy of beholding Pumblechook & Figg's glories for the first time! And also because you have known what love is, a feeling we ache to know for even one burning second!

So from our massive family to your paltry, probably starving one, Merry Holiday Season. May your wrens be lively, and your pickled plums inedible.

Tree Imp This tiny man hangs out in the trees and hurls foliage at invading parties. Sleep peacefully knowing your home has first line of de- fense ag

Mustache Rides No, ladies, not that kind. These real, vintage mus- tache rides an experience none other. Close your eyes and imagine you pirate twirli

Sodastream is a real product Now you make your own soda at home, just like you always could YOu had bag of sugar and $0.80 worth of seltzer! But this

Gifts for Her Stockings Nylon, and quite flammable. Hang by the chimney to lay an incendiary trap for Santa. Available in Small, Medium, and Oh God, P

Gifts for Him Definitely Not Gun Used in a Drug Deal Gone Wrong The ultimate in home defense and not for blowing away drug connection who at- tempted

Gifts for a Community Leader Who Covered Up Child Abuse Innocent Angels Figurine Series From our smash-h series of sexually victimized putti comes N


Brendan came up with the ultimate list of Gifts You Actually Want. It being the holiday, you can find him making merry on the Twitter @brendanmcginley.

Remember the time Brendan enlisted to fight in the War on Christmas? Caught and hung (that's right, ladies) as a spy, his only regret was that he had but one joke to tell for his country.

Credits:
Tree Imp -- Photos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
Magic Mistletoe -- Jupiterimages/Photos.com/Getty Images
Fancy Jam-- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Fruitcake -- Jupiterimages/Comstock/Getty Images
Caveman Tools -- Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Gun -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Cheese -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Circular Saw -- Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Wheel -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Child Chef -- Jupiterimages/Brand X Pictures/Getty Images
Doghouse -- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Plane Wings -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Evil Box -- PhotoObjects.net/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Toddler -- Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Getty Images
Mustache Rides -- Photos.com/Photos.com/Getty Images
Records -- Comstock/Comstock/Getty Images
Phonograph Cylinder -- Wikipedia
Soda Maker -- Sodastream via Bloomingdales
Vibrating Device -- Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
Underwear -- Stockbyte/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Stockings -- Jupiterimages/Goodshoot/Getty Images
Soap Basket -- Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images
Vacuum -- Jupiterimages/Polka Dot/Getty Images
Surrealism -- Hemera Technologies/AbleStock.com/Getty Images
Doctor -- Creatas Images/Creatas/Getty Images

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