18 Things I Regret Doing As Your Mall Elf: An Apology
I am sorry about December 9th, when I used my power as Line Elf to manipulate the length of the line. I'd like to say I intended to make Santa look more popular than he was by keeping the line long, but really I think I was just trying to get single women to flirt their way to the head of the line.
![18 Things I Regret Doing As Your Mall Elf: An Apology](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/3/2/5/40325.jpg?v=1)
![18 Things I Regret Doing As Your Mall Elf: An Apology](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/3/2/7/40327.jpg?v=1)
#18.
I am sorry for freaking out on the first day, upon finding out the truth behind mall Santas, namely that they are not actually Santa, but only helpers who assist the "real" Santa during the busy pre-Christmas weeks. This came as some shock to me, and I apologize for tearing the beard off Kevin, the Santa who worked Tuesdays and Wednesdays.#17.
#16.
I also shouldn't have yelled at those two children that Santa hadn't killed Jesus's father; he was#15.
I am sorry for eating my lunch every day in front of the food court Panda Express, loudly talking about how much I enjoyed the "Sweet & Sour Reindeer." As I was in full elf uniform at the time I felt it important to stay in character.#14.
I am sorry about the late afternoon of December 9th, when I used my power as Line Elf to manipulate the length of the line. Having spent considerable time being denied admission to the hottest bars in town, I think I let the power go to my head. I'd like to say I intended to make Santa look more popular than he was by keeping the line long, but really I think I was just trying to get single women to flirt their way to the head of the line.#13.
![18 Things I Regret Doing As Your Mall Elf: An Apology](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/3/2/6/40326.jpg?v=1)
#12.
I am sorry about the quality of the candy canes that I was distributing. Obviously all candy canes are pretty awful, with that barely tolerable peppermint taste and horrible plasticky texture. Candy canes are like a prank the Grinch played on us one year, and now we've somehow forgotten they were a cruel joke and just keep eating them. I didn't even buy these candy canes. You're the ones who should be apologizing to me.But you're not, and I knew you wouldn't when I opted to replace the candy canes myself, which brings me around to my next apology ... the replacement candy canes. Despite promises, the people of Yao Bang! Champion Confectionary! simply did not have the quality control necessary to be a part of our Christmas tradition. I honestly don't know what they were thinking putting gross liqueurs into hollowed candy canes, and no, I'm still not going to entertain the notion that they were not liqueurs.#11.
#10.
I am sorry about the repeated advances I made towards Mrs. Claus. In my defense, the fact that she was being paid money to pretend to be married to multiple different men suggested to me that she would be agreeable to what I was proposing. Out of respect for Mrs. Claus's privacy I will not go in to any specifics only that everything I proposed was meant to be conducted in accordance with the Christmas spirit of giving.#9.
I am sorry for using the children to pass messages to Mrs Claus for me. The content of these messages were, thankfully, beyond the comprehension of most of these children, and in many cases were meaningless without additional information. (e.g. "Wink at her and then say 'Up, down and all around,' and then wink again.")I am not sorry that the propellant used in the cans of fake snow we used to touch up Santa's Workshop provides a mild high when inhaled. That was the manufacturers fault, or possibly yours. However, some of the things I did with the fake snow do warrant an apology, including:#8.
#7.
- Spraying it down the front of my pants to experience a mild tickling effect.#6.
- Spraying it down the front of my pants while licking my lips and staring at the cashier from Forever21 across the hall.#5.
#4.
I am sorry about suggesting to the children that they request extravagant gifts that their parents could never hope to afford, and then quietly directing said parents to my cousin Barry in the back hallway beside the phone booths, who could get them exactly that item "off the truck."#3.
I am equally sorry about the series of receipt switching and return scams Barry, myself, and by extension, the entire institution of Christmas, have been implicated in.#2.
#1.
I'm sorry that Barry will not be writing you an apology letter because of the impact/fake snow related coma he is now in.Yours Truly,![CHOTS XERXES 34cL2](https://s3.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/3/2/8/40328.jpg?v=1)
See what other nonsense Bucholz was up to in the new Cracked.com book. Or check out more of his public appearances in The Terrifying Next Step in Xbox Kinect Evolution.