12 Sexual Positions That Should Be Named After Celebrities
As a writer, I like to think I have my finger on the pulse of the people, and if there's one thing people are tired of these days, it's sex, right? I mean, seriously, YAWN. Your junk goes in their fun spot and you moan and repeat and count to 10 until it's all over. (At least this is how Adam Tod Brown explained sex to me. I'm not sure. I've never kissed a girl.) Anyway, I know the world is tired of sex, but y'know what it can't get enough of? CELEBRITIES!
That got me thinking. Is there a way to combine sex and celebrities? I mean besides a sex tape. What if, I wondered, I wrote a book laying out all-new sexy, sexy, sex positions and named those positions after a bunch of famous people? I mean, we need some new sex positions. Reverse Cowgirl, 69, Doggy Style ... it's all old school, but we here at Cracked are hip! That's why I was able to convince Jack O'Brien to personally fund my new book: The Big Book of Celebrity Sex Positions.
Here's a sampling. Enjoy!
The Channing Tatum
This sexy move is sure to please. After all, what's sexier than channing some tatum, if you know what I mean? Oh, you don't know what I mean? Well, the Channing Tatum is a sex act for two people. Prior to intercourse, have everyone you know tell your partner that you're the next big thing. Then have sex with her in a manner that will leave her unable to remember anything about your performance.
Close your eyes for five seconds. Still remember what he looks like?
Nicki Minaj a Trois
The Nicki Minaj a Trois sounds like a sex act made for a threesome, but it's not. Actually, it's a form of masturbation. All you need to perform the Nicki Minaj a Trois is a Banana Republic changing room. Take to the changing stand and visualize yourself in the three mirrors. Then proceed to masturbate over how insanely wonderful you think you are. Of course, achieving orgasm will require you to ignore and even be dismissive of others more impressive than you, but with determination your fake eyelashes will be covered in sexual discharge in no time!
Someone's on their way to an orgasm!
Wanna try Stephen Hawking? First get a tracheotomy. Then buy one of those cool devices you can hold to your throat that provides the gift of speech for people with tracheotomies. Then talk your partner off in a cool robot voice. Only the truly impressive and brilliant linguist is able to induce orgasm via Stephen Hawking. See also, Hawking Off, p. 24.
You're welcome, Professor Hawking.
Basically just a beej with a ukelele.
Oh, in Wilson
Just like it sounds like, the "Oh, in Wilson" is named after perennial cutesy nice guy Owen Wilson. In this act, it's important to surprise your partner with a sudden entry. Also, for the purposes of the act, you refer to your partner as "Wilson" upon entering to make the pun work. Note: Only the moment of penetration is a surprise, not the act of sex itself, as that would be kind of rapey and more appropriately referred to as the Fatty Arbuckle.
"So this entry's not really about me? Just a pun. Hey, how about one about 'Ben Fill-Her'?!"
Pulling a Judd Apatow
The Judd Apatow takes a lot of planning. First get your Jewish guy friends together. Then film them having sex with your wife.
What are friends for?
Much like tea-bagging or pegging, Brad Pitting is a sex act that ends in "ing." But that's about it. In order to engage in Brad Pitting, you have to rely on your flawless features and physique coupled with your selfless devotion to your partner and 900 kids to spontaneously induce orgasm. So basically you have to be Brad Pitt. Not very helpful. Sorry. Moving on.
Violent. Filthy. And illegal in most states.
This is basically just oral sex. But with a little person. That's it. So, yeah, even though it's named after the popular Game of Thrones star, no one has to get disemboweled or beheaded in the performance of this act. You just dinklage some peter. Important: This sex act is not to be confused with Petering Some Dinklage, which is fucking while beheading and disemboweling your partner.
Daniel Toshing is all the rage with the kids today, but it's highly dependent on porn as foreplay. It seems without good video fodder this sex act has nothing to offer. First watch selected clips with your partner until she's entertained by media that has nothing to do with your abilities. Then proceed to have sex with her in a way that adds little value beyond the porn you've just watched. But if you really want to excel at Daniel Toshing your partner, be sure to wish gang rape on her after she complains about your lackluster performance.
This is what came up when I searched Daniel Tosh in our Getty library. That's OK. I don't really need to see Tosh that badly.
The Tie That Amanda Bynes
This sex act involves a group of friends getting your partner to seek professional help, because murdered vagina jokes are too easy.
Joke deleted due to decency.
Going Full-On Shyamalan
I know what you're thinking. This is a sex act with a big twist ending. Some shocker. Well, that sounds more like The Crying Game than The Sixth Sense. No. Going Full-On Shyamalan is a sex act where you pull out all the stops during your very first intercourse, giving your partner a deep craving for more sex that is never, ever anywhere as good.
"I like it, but what if just before I turn you off sex, in a big twist, I'm suddenly good at sex again?!"
Watch the penultimate Hate by Numbers. That means second to last. Gladstone's about to put the show on indefinite sabbatical.