Love, like a poltergeist, is invisible to the naked eye and can only be witnessed by the force it bears on objects. To really understand it, you need to feel it, to be possessed by it, or, at the very least, to see the way it can tear up a living room when it goes wrong. And like a poltergeist, sometimes love is actually just a big ruse designed by lonely people to gain attention.

11 Impressive Valentines for People in Made Up Relationships

"I lack several crucial social skiiiiiiiiills."

It's this last type of love on which I want to concentrate this Valentine's Day. Since the beginning of time, and at least since the George Glass episode of
The Brady Bunch, our ability to love and our worthiness of being loved have been so important in defining us as human beings that even when we don't have real relationships in our lives, we are willing to fake it. While the stories can be complex, elaborate and carry on for months, when that pretend girlfriend or boyfriend isn't needed anymore, all that fiction is just cast aside like invisible garbage. Well I believe even made-up people deserve better.

I want to properly honor the make-believe lovers who never got to be on the receiving end of a proper relationship. Unfortunately, I am limited by the postal service of a physical world, so I can't send each of them Valentine's cards. Instead, I am doing the next best thing by compiling them all here and firing them blindly into the ether like tiny spaceships of appreciation. We owe them all that much, particularly young Jenny Garret, my fictional fourth-grade girlfriend. I'm sorry, Jenny. I hope you got over me and went on to accomplish your lifelong dream of becoming a pretend veterinarian. These are all for you, in a way.

aDear Girl from Over at the Private OSchool/ Pou Wouldn't now HEer Anpway, 7 sure hope doctors find a cure for that rare disease that makes you afraid

TO: FROM: DEER VALENTINE, NO MATTER WHAT y TELL PEOPLE WE DID, THANKS FOR ALWAYS BEING 'GAME' IN the STORY.

To my siath grade babysitter, It's true that you always remember your first time, even when it's pretend. Thankes to you, all my friends do too. P.S.

To: the Prince l Met While Studying Abroad, l know you made me promise not to tell anyone about us, but somcone asked on facebook. Thinking of EWE! Fr

11 Impressive Valentines for People in Made Up Relationships

DEAR DAD YOU'RE MY #1 VALENTINE! WHEN YOU GET BACK FROM YOUR SUPER, TOP SECRET MISSON, I HOPE WE HAVE SOME TIME TO 'BOND'. FROM:

More LicA the ON next pags

To: Hey Valentine! Breaking your pretend heart did wonders for my confidence! From:

Happy Valentine's Day! can't believe no one has noticed yet on Facebook that I cut your pictures out Type any name of a magazine! To: From:

To: That Crazy Fling in Mexico, Feliz Dia de los Enamorados Because 'artificial insemination' just sounds SO desperate. From:

11 Impressive Valentines for People in Made Up Relationships

To: From: Green Arrow Says: Thank YOU, Valentine! For always being my beard.

You can be one of the only real accounts following Soren on Twitter or let him seduce you on Tumblr.

For more from Soren, check out 25 Honest Lunchbox Letters From Parents to Children and The Spambot Who Seduced Me: A True Story of Forbidden Love.

Interested in Mating Rituals?

One Cracked Fact's got you covered! From human scandals to weird animal stuff and so much more, One Cracked Fact delivers a new (not always sexy) story from our crazy world directly to your inbox every day. Sign up now!

Forgot Password?