When Andrew Dice Clay Tried to Do Clean Jokes About Being A Dad

In 2012, Andrew Dice Clay told Rolling Stone that he refused to clean up his act for the masses, not even editing out the slurs that earned protests early in his career. “Gay just isn’t as funny a word as f******,” he promised. “As a Brooklyn tough comic, you don’t use the word gay. It’s like calling girls piglets. It’s a funny fucking word.”

Or is it? 

As audience attitudes shifted, Jay Mohr swears that the Diceman aimed to clean up his act at least once. On his Mohr Stories podcast, he told Will Sasso about Clay’s one futile endeavor to be funny without all the obscenities and disparagements. Spoiler alert: It didn’t go well.

It was pure chance that led to Mohr catching Clay’s attempt at a clean set at the Laugh Factory. “So he’s on stage, he’s doing bits, and he’s bombing,” Mohr laughed. “But it’s Dice, so I’m completely invested.”

Here’s Mohr’s version of that profanity-free routine, best enjoyed if you imagine Andrew Dice Clay’s Brooklyn tough guy delivering the following monologue:

So my kids want to go to the park. And they’re like, “Let’s bring the bikes.” 

I go, “You don’t bring bikes to the park! They got slides and swings. You go out, you run around.” They’re like, “But we want to bring the bikes!” 

So I’m putting bikes in the car. I got grease — I’m the Diceman covered in grease! We get to the park, and what happens? They run out of the car. They’re on the swings. They’re on the slides. And I’m standing there like a jerk going, OHHH! What about the bikes?

The audience response? Dead silence. So the Diceman repeated the “punchline”: WHAT ABOUT THE BIKES?

Still nothing. So Clay resorted to what he did best, turning to a well-endowed woman in the front row and shouting, “You big-titted animal!” The crowd exploded in laughter, inadvertently proving Clay’s Rolling Stone thesis — some words are just fucking funny, at least when shouted in frustration by a flailing comedian.

Mohr turned to the comic next to him that night, concluding, “We just watched a man die.” 

Sasso and Mohr fell out of their chairs for the next 10 minutes, shouting “WHAT ABOUT THE BIKES?” in their best imitations of Clay. “He tried to work clean, and he got straight-faced by 300 people,” Mohr laughed. “And then he just snapped, and they applauded.”

You can’t blame Dice for trying, but what did he get for his efforts? “You watched a piece of his soul just go out through the emergency exit.”