14 Embarrassing Ways Celebrities Attempted to Revive Their Career
Imagine if your fall-back was an NBA Championship three-peat.
Kim Kardashian’s Head Fell Off
In 2011, she added to her tragically diverse portfolio with a horrible song called “Jam (Turn It Up)” that flopped with 14,000 downloads in its first week. Don’t worry, she blamed it on a good cause: She retroactively and flippantly announced that she “gave the proceeds to a cancer organization.” Ew, here, you take this 14 cents.
Kevin Spacey Stayed in Character
After allegations of sexual assault surfaced, he was summarily written out of Netflix’s flagship franchise, House of Cards, and has struggled to get work since. In response, he used his yearly Christmas video to make a seven-minute interview with Tucker Carlson while in character as brutal sociopath Frank Underwood.
Tell Spooky Stories!
There are at least two TV shows that make no bones about the premise of letting waning stars tell ghost stories: Celebrity Ghost Stories has hosted the likes of Scott Baio and Haylie Duff, while Famously Afraid gave credits to Chris Kattan and Geraldo.
Neil Patrick Harris Leaned Into His Obscurity
Harris struggled to find his footing after Doogie Howser, M.D. After floundering for a decade, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle came a-knocking — a bizarre movie that had little chance of succeeding was asking him to play a cameo in which the whole point was that he’s the most washed-up, most random actor anyone could think of. The movie was a huge success, rehabilitating his image and leading to a truckload of Emmy noms via How I Met Your Mother.
Michael Jordan Came Crawling Back
As chronicled in the documentary Space Jam, Jordan’s first love was baseball. After leading the Chicago Bulls to three NBA Championships between 1991 and 1993, he spent 1994 trying to make his mark on Major League Baseball. After failing to make two different teams, he tucked tail and returned to the Bulls, and shamefully led them to three more consecutive championships.
Garth Brooks Developed an Alter Ego to Murder Garth Brooks
His 1999 out-of-body experience, Garth Brooks in the Life of Chris Gaines, was a bizarre attempt at an Australian rock album that, according to EW at the time, “pretty much ended the career of one of music’s top-selling acts.”
Call Guinness!
At this point, a Guinness World Record is simply a tool in a Hollywood agent’s toolkit. Is The Rock not getting enough attention? Let him make the world’s largest bean dip. Are people talking about what a fascist shill Snoop Dogg is? He’ll make a big, stupid gin cocktail.
Sharon Osbourne Documented Rock Bottom
Osbourne was booted from CBS’ The Talk after her alleged behind-the-scenes racism and homophobia bubbled to the surface in a particularly dicey segment about Meghan Markle. She ran to Fox Nation, which made a four-part anti-cancel culture docuseries called Sharon Osbourne: To Hell & Back.
Britney Spears Attempted a Pivot
For all she’s been through, Spears has never been in the market for a career revival. But she did try to pivot to acting in 2002’s road trip movie Crossroads, which Roger Ebert described as “curiously low-key and even sad” and has a 14 percent on Rotten Tomatoes.
You Got Jake Paul in My Mike Tyson. You Got Mike Tyson in My Jake Paul
Paul has spent every second of his 28 exhausting years jumping from gimmick to gimmick to increase his social footprint, occasionally finding another desperate clout chaser to leapfrog. Once Paul became a “professional boxer,” Tyson became his white whale. Sixty-five million people tuned in to watch a roided-out Disney kid and a 59-year-old man get in a fistfight.
Talent Show!
If you need to polish the fascism off of your image, simply beg your agent to book you on Dancing with the Stars (Tucker Carlson, Sean Spicer) or The Masked Singer (Sarah Palin, Rudy Giuliani).
Lindsay Lohan Couldn’t Decide if She Wanted to Sing or Speak
On her way to becoming an A-list actor, Lohan snuck into the singing spotlight in Freaky Friday and Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen. Her pivot to pop stardom went slightly better than some others’, charting at number 20 and number four, but her new career never quite took off. Bonus second failed pivot: In 2019, Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club, about Lindsay Lohan’s beach club, absolutely tanked. Both the show itself, and the beach club.
Rob Schneider Became a Rightwing Shill
He made a career out of being a hacky, dopey attention hound. After his career fizzled, the hackiness, dopiness and attention seeking has continued, and he’s become a go-to for Fox News producers who need a recognizable face under a horrible hat to talk about how woke Hollywood is.
Hulk Hogan Took a Detour on His Way From Unionbuster to Bootlicker
Terry Bollea had an undeniably successful career as a pro wrestler, during which time he snitched on his coworkers who tried to unionize. He spent his final years begging to be a mascot for a populist authoritarian administration. Somewhere in between, he opened a mall restaurant called Pastamania. At least the vice president tweeted a brief, alcoholic eulogy.
