The Bonkers Plan to Reopen Alcatraz Should At Least Honor Phil Hartman
Possibly because he fell asleep watching The Rock on Max, President Donald Trump recently unveiled a bold new plan to reopen Alcatraz, the notorious San Francisco prison that’s been inactive for longer than Nicolas Cage has been alive.
This deeply unserious plan faces a number of major logistical challenges, from the “avalanche of lawsuits” it would invite, to the fact that the National Park Service has already spent millions preserving the historic site as a tourist destination, to the staggering costs involved with turning it back into a working prison, which have been estimated at somewhere “between $235 million and $370 million.”
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Also, the island’s watery surroundings may not be quite as intimidating as they once were, considering that “hundreds of people every year participate in a 1.5-mile swim out to the island.”
It seems pretty clear that this wacky idea isn’t ever going to happen. But on the off chance that it does, the least the government could do is find some way to pay tribute to the late Phil Hartman.
The one silver lining to this whiplash-inducing headline is that people on social media have been responding with a flood of references to So I Married an Axe Murderer, the underrated 1993 Mike Myers comedy about a coffee-house beat poet who suspects that his new bride might be a serial killer.
In one particularly memorable scene, Myers’ character goes on a tour of Alcatraz with his cop buddy played by Anthony LaPaglia. Their stern, unnecessarily colorful guide, played by Hartman, is Ranger John Johnson, although he quickly points out that “everyone here calls me ‘Vicky.’”
For a lot of people, this one scene from a 32-year-old movie is their go-to touchstone for Alcatraz. Following reports of Trump’s plan, a number of them took to social media to share clips and images of Hartman/Vicky.
In fact, one fan claimed that this news soils “the memory of the great Phil Hartman.”
While another suggested that if Alcatraz 2.0 does somehow open, they should find a way to rename it after Hartman, in honor of his fictional service.
Again, Alcatraz will likely never reopen as a prison. But that doesn’t mean that the Trump administration couldn’t find another way to pay tribute to one of Phil Hartman’s characters. “The Gulf of Troy McClure” has a nice ring to it.
