5 Times the Secret Service Needed to Call the Secret Service for Themselves

Who watches the watchmen?
5 Times the Secret Service Needed to Call the Secret Service for Themselves

Wed like to think that the Secret Service, in their modern duty of presidential protection at least, are impenetrable. After all, they have a pretty binary job, and youd think that if they fucked up, wed know about it — by nature of, you know, all the flags at half-mast. 

But that doesnt mean that they havent stained the bed a good couple of times in smaller ways. Which I guess is what they can always claim at the hearings, saying, “Hey, he’s alive, isnt he?” But especially with a Secret Service agent recently being robbed at gunpoint, it can start to make people wonder, “Wait, are these guys… fallible?”

Here are a few times the Secret Service could have used another helping hand…

Crashing Into Their Own Security Barrier


I have to imagine guarding the president is a high-stress job, and judging by the amount of alcohol-related Secret Service oopsies that have popped up, I have a hunch on how some of them deal with it. For example, in 2015, two men drove their car into a security barrier at the White House, while there was an active bomb threat, which I assume results in an immediate DEFCON one billion being sent out over those little earpieces. 

Luckily, it ended up being little more than a suit-and-tie version of that Spider-Man meme when they realized that the passengers were two Secret Service agents, not-so-secretly shitfaced after coming straight from a retirement party.

A Mysterious Bullet Left Behind

A single bullet left in a hotel room sounds like something out of a spy novel, where youd assume the bullet was untraceable, or maybe silver if the president was a werewolf. But nothing that exciting happened in 2013. Instead, it was the overly horny error of a Secret Service agent who met a woman at a hotel bar, which I think should basically be forbidden if you work in intelligence. He then followed her up to her room (with permission), but she freaked out when she realized he was carrying a firearm. 

He attempted to calm her down by removing the magazine and clearing the chamber. Unfortunately, he left the bullet hed removed from the chamber in the womans room, and when he turned to the hotel for help finding it, they called… the Secret Service.

When Biden s Dog Kept Biting Them

Public Domain

I apologize to the pants legs and thighs of the affected agents, but this is never not going to be a little funny to me. If you never read about this recurring problem, apparently Bidens dogs have a particular taste for his guardians. Theyre German Shepherds, too, so these arent little ankle nips. First, his dog Major repeatedly bit Secret Service agents, necessitating his removal from the White House. A lonely Biden re-upped with another German Shepherd named Commander, who promptly filled his predecessors paws, biting over 24 agents — the kind of bite count that would get him commendations in some sort of dog military.

Secret Service Cutting Loose in Colombia

The headline “Secret Service Sex Scandal” is a delightful bit of alliteration, but probably one the Secret Service itself didnt enjoy. In 2012, on a visit to Cartagena, Colombia, multiple secret service agents allegedly partied hard, including hiring sex workers, which, to be fair, is legal under certain circumstances in Colombia. I cant imagine, though, that its recommended for people with direct access to the president. “Hey, Barack, this is my new friend Ms. Honeypot!” would probably be met with frowns. 

It’s also legal to raise snakes, but I wouldnt do it in a chicken coop.

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