Gross Ways Companies Are Cashing in on the Ozempic Craze

Ozempic is no match for these fat cats
Gross Ways Companies Are Cashing in on the Ozempic Craze

As humble jesters of the court of late-stage capitalism, we’re not really qualified to address the far-reaching ramifications of weight-loss drugs like Ozempic. If someone would rather inject themselves with a drug that takes all the pleasure out of eating and gives them the perma-shits than weigh as much as they currently do, that’s none of our business. But when the nightmare dystopia we live in starts squeezing those people for even more money, well, that’s just gross.

Like how…

Nestle Is Making Ozempic-Friendly Frozen Food

This month, Nestle announced a new brand of frozen foods called Vital Pursuit “that supports the needs of consumers in this emerging category” of Ozempic users. Specifically, they’re fortified with the protein and vitamins that are often lacking in extremely low-calorie diets (presumably alongside buckets of salt and preservatives). Think about that for a second: One company is charging you for drugs that help you starve, and another charges you for the nutrients you’d be getting if you weren’t starving. Welcome to the dystopia.

GNC Is Advertising Ozempic Side Effect Fixers

The supplement industry is a gamut of charlatans with tapeworms on one end and sawdust on the other, which is probably why stores like GNC have been “struggling for years.” One way they’re hoping to lure customers back in is with giant displays promising help with Ozempic’s gnarly side effects. They’re stocked with protein powders and vitamins, but it’s unclear what they can do about the aforementioned perma-shits.

Several Gyms Are Offering Ozempic-Specific Programs

If you’ve been to a gym recently, you’ve probably heard them spout some bullshit about how “every body is a gym body” and encouraging “movement” that “feels good” over the pained gasps of their dying members. For gyms like Equinox, Life Time Fitness and Xponential Fitness, that facade comes crashing down when you find out they’ve begun offering medical services and advice specifically for the unique needs of Ozempic users, which they’d have no business in if their facilities really were about “movement” and not weight loss. Like, what are the odds they provide training programs and doctors just for vegans?

Galderma Has Promised to Fix ‘Ozempic Face’

If you haven’t heard of “Ozempic face,” it’s nothing specific to weight-loss drugs; it’s just that when you lose weight really fast, your skin often gets saggy, and that includes the skin in your face. Well, one skin care company, Galderma, has begun studying the effects of its fillers in people using weight-loss drugs and advertising to the media that they “should be able to restore” lost volume. You know, at least until your next appointment. 

Again, they’re charging you to get skinny, and when the skinny drugs accidentally make you ugly, they charge you for the hot drugs. Before you know it, you’re trapped in a pharmaceutical game of If You Give a Mouse a Beauty Standard.

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