5 Things ‘Family Guy’ Producer Evan Waite Says We Should Fear

1 Your Body

“The body is obviously your friend in some ways, but mostly it’s your enemy,” Waite explains. What’s the problem? “First of all, your body has all these holes in it. That’s just bad design because it’s constantly leaking almost every day.” 

Life Wants You Dead offers some solutions to the problem, such as sealing up that pesky anus. That not only stops the leakage but keeps all the nutrients inside your gut where they do the most good. Anus-sealing is “obviously the first thing you need to do right off the bat. That’s just a given.”

2 Your Lover

Make no mistake, sex and love are trying to murder us. A guide like the Kama Sutra provides wisdom about sex positions but very little in the way of self-protection. “Love is the situation when you’re at the most risk,” Waite tells me, “because you’re open and vulnerable so you have to make sure that you protect yourself while you’re doing it.” That’s why Waite proposes a Crotchless Exosuit (picture a hazmat uniform with a cutout for the naughty bits) as the only way to get the sex job done safely. You can even spice things up with a little dirty talk through the Exosuit’s built-in intercom system.

3 Your Home

We protect our home by locking it up, but how can we protect ourselves from the home that we’re trying to protect? Waite points out a home’s flaws are nearly as bad as the body’s, with doors and windows acting as invitations for intruders. “There’s literally a piece of wood that slides open so people can come inside,” he says. “Again, that’s just terrible design.”

Since doors and windows probably aren’t going anywhere, Waite proposes digging a large moat around your property as a safety measure, with archers positioned at strategic points along your roofline to take out any Visigoths who might try to swim across.

4 Your Gadgets

Crooks want access to your phones and tablets so they can steal your identity. But the gadgets aren’t your problem, according to Waite. It’s having an identity that people want to steal. Waite’s solution is clear: “Mess up your credit, and destroy your life in a way that people wouldn’t want your identity. Just spend, spend, spend.” Would-be identity thieves will take one look at your credit rating and say, “Oh, I don’t want that.”

One pro tip from the book: Don’t tell your spouse. They’ll just tell you to stop, which is selfish. 

5 Your Doctor

Scared about vaccines? So is Waite, who says “medicine is off the table. That’s stupid.” So he suggests considering alternative ways to strengthen your body’s immune system, such as:

• Have your T cells power walk with seniors.
• Give your T cells nunchucks to beat off diseases.
• Offer a free trip to Jamaica to the T cell that kills the most cancer.

It’s essential to offer your T cells incentives, Waite says, “because what’s in it for them otherwise?”