Let’s Hope Bill Hader’s ‘Cat in the Hat’ Movie Is As Horny As This ‘SNL’ Sketch

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Hurray? There’s going to be a new Cat in the Hat animated film, with Saturday Night Live’s Bill Hader voicing the titular feline. It’s hard to get too excited about this one, considering the last time an SNL alum played the top-hatted character, it was Mike Myers in a debacle that critics called “about as creatively inspired as a giant hairball.”

That movie sounds like a drag
It can’t be a hit
And we do not like it 
Not one little bit.

Unless… there might be a way to jazz up that 16-page epic for the big screen. And the only inspiration needed is a callback to the first time Hader played the Cat in the Hat in this 2014 SNL sketch. 

Now this is more like it
We hasten to mention
We like our Doc Seuss
With some sexual tension!

The sketch begins much like the book, with rainy-day boredom that can only be cured by a magical cat in a hat. Hader at the Cat bounces in, ready to save the day with trickery and mischief — until he sees the children’s mother in a coquettish pink dress. His tone changes. “Linda. My god. You look good.”

Hell yes, she does. But that doesn’t mean she’s ready to reignite the sparks of a love affair that ended long ago. Or does it? The Cat notices an eyelash resting on Linda’s cheek. His gloved hand gently brushes it away. “Don’t,” she whispers. “You’re just trying to touch my face.”

She bursts into tears, not yet able to confront the love in their past. “Here, take this,” he offers, producing a magical string of colored handkerchiefs that only exists in the fanciful imagination of children. The passion overwhelms them and they’re about to kiss when one of Linda’s children shows off her new dance. Of course the kid is a wonderful dancer, Linda says. “She gets it from you.”

Just as the Cat realizes he has a Seussian lovechild, they’re interrupted by Thing 2, the blue-haired whatchamacallit who Linda married instead. It’s a love triangle that threatens to erupt into violence until the Cat volunteers to leave of his own accord. But not without a final sigh of sexual longing: “Oh, the places she let me go…”

More of this please
Instead of jokes that are corny
If Hader must do the Cat
Make the version that’s horny