John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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This Is the Only Retired Four-Star General to Sit on the Board of Outback Steakhouse

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This Is the Only Retired Four-Star General to Sit on the Board of Outback Steakhouse

Tommy Franks first military experience was fighting in Vietnam. He graduated from the Artillery Officer Candidate School, and went to Vietnam as a second lieutenant. He served valiantly in what was one of Americas less successful military operations, and ended up with multiple awards for valor and three Purple Hearts. He was quickly recognized as an up-and-coming military mind and spent time in West Germany, before being brought into the Pentagon as an Army Inspector General in 1976.

By the time Operation Desert Storm and Desert Shield commenced during the Gulf War, Franks was serving as Assistant Division Commander of the First Cavalry Division. He was stationed in Korea as a Commander of the Second Infantry Division in Korea in the mid-1990s, and at the turn of the millennium in 2000, he was awarded his fourth generals star. His title then would become the Commander in Chief of U.S. Central Command.

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My expression watching the Outback Steakhouse waiters sing a birthday song to an adult man.

This would put him squarely in charge for a fast-and-furious series of U.S. military operations. Starting, of course, in the aftermath of the September 11th terrorist attacks, which were immediately followed by Donald Rumsfeld and George W. Bush’s plans to attack Afghanistan, even the very next day on September 12th. This was known, highly patriotically, as Operation Enduring Freedom. Two years later, Franks would also be put in charge of Operation Iraqi Freedom, which, as you might be able to surmise, was the U.S. invasion of Iraq. That same year, in May of 2003, Franks would retire from the armed forces, which, in retrospect, was a pretty plum time to get out.

Returning to civilian life, he wrote an autobiography titled American Soldier, and received high honors from both the U.S. and U.K.: a Presidential Medal of Freedom from George W. Bush and an appointment as Knight Commander of the Order of the British Empire from Queen Elizabeth II. With such a storied and deep history of military operations to his name, to what arena might he next turn his keen strategic mind?

Anthony22

At least they drive the same cars?

Apparently, Outback Steakhouse. In 2005, Franks joined the board of directors of Outback Steakhouse, Inc. He stayed until 2007, at which point he left, because of, I assume, some sort of Bloomin Onion-based disagreement. If you think thats a weird pairing, take a look at his next stint in the restaurant world, which took place from 2008 to 2014. During that time, he served on the Board of Directors of a business that I guess, is technically a restaurant: Chuck E. Cheese.

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John Early Is Figuring Out How to Be Sincere

As the star of the sharp new indie ‘Stress Positions,’ the irreverent comic works in a more serious vein. He tells Cracked why he’s getting comfortable with being earnest — even if he’s scared everyone will think he’s pretentious

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