8 Better Ways to Strap $3,500 to Your Body Than With Apple’s Vision Pro

If you're going to drop three and a half grand, make it something that doesn't look dumb
8 Better Ways to Strap $3,500 to Your Body Than With Apple’s Vision Pro

Apple has entered the arena once again with a weapon designed to decimate the checking accounts of fanboys everywhere. This time, its the augmented reality headset theyre calling the Vision Pro. Now, its cool technology, theres no arguing with that. You can use it to watch TV — without a TV! Or friends! I also assume that, despite Apples best efforts, it will be jailbroken to allow adult content within a week. The real point of derision here is the price: three-thousand-five-hundred smackaroos. A financial outlay that could buy any number of delightful items, probably in a set of five. 

Even in the category of accessories and things that you can strap to your body, Id argue there are better ways to spend $3,500. Heres eight of them…

Comstock Heritage DuPont Deer 14k Gold Belt Buckle ($3,500)

Comstock Heritage

Look, if you want people to know you’ve got $3,500 on hand, why not slap it right on the front of your belly in a mix of precious metals? Not to mention fine, premium handiwork the likes of which send you back to those beautiful days of the Old West. In fact, these tech-obsessed modern fellas could use a little learning about how this world used to operate.

Solid Gold Nugget Bolo Tie ($3,499)


Heck, why not take it a bit further? If you’re flexing with accessories, just hang a full gold nugget off your neck, straight in view of the public. Not to mention how dapper a nice bolo tie looks. A remnant of an age we maybe shouldn’t have forgotten so quickly. When men were men, and when disagreements were settled in the center of town, not over the internet.

American Hat Company 1000X Mink Silver Belly Cowboy Hat ($3,665)

Best Hat Store

Even if you’re specifically looking for something to decorate that pumpkin of yours, you can’t go wrong with a fine felt cowboy hat. No expense has been spared here, mi amigo. We're talkin’ the finest beaver belly fur, topped off with a custom band and just a little taste of that fine yellow metal. It’ll protect your top from the elements when you’re outside, and when you’re inside, tip a cap of this quality at a fine tavern lady and you’ll be causing a storm of your own soon enough.

Lucchese Romano Cowboy Boot ($3,295)

Lucchese Bootmaker

Need a quick way to suggest an interloper beat it before you give him a bit of physical education? Kick out one of these bad fellas and remind him just how wrong things can go. In my experience, a fella tends to sober up fast with a little reminder of the afterlife. Should he keep testing his luck, tell the rest of the table you need a hand off and gently request he step outside.

Custom Two-Piece Embroidered Western Suit ($3,322)


If you’ve got the cash, get one in every color. It might be a little light for the range, but a custom suit like this will get you a seat at any table on the riverboat. Even if lady luck isn’t on your side, this get-up’s guaranteed to find you some company for the cold night ahead.

Alfonso of Hollywood Fast Holster ($3,249)

Alfonso of Hollywood

When you bet your life on something functioning properly, it’s not something to pinch pennies on. No price is too high for a bit of gear that’s going to be center stage in the most important couple seconds of your life. When you hit that 10th step and turn, you don’t want a bit of shoddy craftsmanship taking a single tick off your draw, especially if the other feller isn’t inconvenienced similarly. Don’t hurt the eyes, neither.

Colt Single Action Army Revolver ($1,700x2)


Cowboy joke: What do ya do with a cowboy who misses six times? You bury him. I’d rather not be that fella fumblin’ in the sand come 12:01 just because my first barrage didn’t fly true. Twelve chances to keep pulling breath seems like a better plan, and God made hips wide enough for two holsters, so who am I to argue? Now boys, let’s ride!

Circle Y Kenda Lenseigne Run N Gun Saddle ($3,499)

Circle Y Saddles

I can already hear y’all gettin’ persnickety in the comments. A saddle ain’t something you strap to yerself! I’ll give it to ya, that’s true. But this here is my article, and if you’ve got a problem with it, I’ll happily meet you outside as soon as I finish my sarsaparilla.


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