The 100 Funniest Sitcom Punchlines of All Time

1 3rd Rock From the Sun

Sally: It says here the average American uses 4.1 pounds of butter a year.”
Tommy: Orally?

2 30 Rock

Liz: Look, you’re a beautiful woman. But you can’t play prom queens and murdered runaways forever.
Jenna: But those were my majors at the Royal Tampa Academy of Dramatic Tricks.

3 Abbott Elementary

Jacob: Barbara, have you ever been roasted by your students?
Barbara: One, they’re five. Two, they respect me. Three, what would they even say?

4 Absolutely Fabulous

Patsy: What will you drink if you stop drinking?
Eddie: I shall drink water. It’s a mixer, Patsy, we have it with whiskey.

5 All in the Family

Mike: We’re going to see something you know nothing about: culture.
Archie (looking at book): Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he’s getting himself so excited, it’s one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.
Mike: That’s “Pollock.” Jackson Pollock.

6 The Andy Griffith Show

Barney: He got the drop on me.
Andy: You mean he had a gun?
Barney: Ugh. Well, he has now.

7 Aqua Teen Hunger Force

George Washington (trying to prevent the lead characters from killing each other): I come bearing a message: Great Britain sought taxes from the colonies, and they paid for their greed with blood. Now do you understand the price of avarice?
Master Shake: Blow him away, Frylock.
George Washington: Wait!
Frylock (after killing George Washington): Man, we should have cloned twenties. Jackson wouldn’t have given a shit.

8 Archer

Archer: We look totally gay.
Ray: I am gay.
Archer: Well, I’m not!
Ray: Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?

9 Arrested Development

Lucille: Get me a vodka rocks.
Michael: Mom, it’s breakfast.
Lucille: And a piece of toast.

10 Atlanta

Earn (refusing a joint from Alfred): We’re doing business.
Darius: You want to manage a rapper but you can’t do business high?

11 Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-Head (to an undercover vice cop): Hey, baby… So, like, how much?
Undercover Cop: Fifty.
Butt-Head: Cool. Beavis, do you have fifty cents?

12 Benson

Kraus (whose aunt has just died): The surprising thing is, she has mentioned me in her will! I don’t know why; she hardly knew me.
Benson: Maybe that’s why.

13 The Big Bang Theory

Howard: See, he’s not wearing a tie.
Leonard: Well, he’s a patent attorney. Maybe his tie is pending.

14 Big Mouth

Priest: I’m just not surprised you’re in here trying to get advice for free.
Andrew (who is Jewish): Oh, you want to trade stereotypes, old man?!

15 Black-ish

Ruby: Nothing was ever proven.
Pops: Yeah son, sometimes boats just blow up.
Dre: Sometimes it happens twice.

16 Blackadder

George: Sir, I forgot. If we should happen to tread on a mine, what do we do?
Blackadder: Well, normal procedure, lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area.

17 The Bob Newhart Show

Carol: Is being late a serious enough problem to see a psychologist about?
Bob: Well, Mr. Hastings is a lifeguard.

18 Bob’s Burgers

Bob: If you think you’re gonna get Gene off the toilet before he’s ready, I’ve got some bad news for you.
Tina: He missed his birthday party once.
Linda: We had a clown.
Louise: We had to send him in there.

19 Broad City

Abbi: What is your return policy?
Cashier: It’s 30 days.
Abbi: Great, I’ll see you in 30 days, then, biiiiiiiitch.
Cashier: You still need to sign the receipt.

20 Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Peralta: Hello, good sir. I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.
Clerk: That will be $1,600.
Peralta: Great, I’d like your eight-dollar-est bottle of wine, please.

21 Catastrophe

Rob: If I thrust too deeply, will my penis latch onto the IUD coil thingy and pull it out?
Sharon: Yeah, no, it’s fine. They put it more than two and a half inches inside me.

22 Cheers

Sam: Every man needs a hobby.
Norm: Wish I had time for a hobby.
Cliff: Norm, you’ve got time to make your own coal.

23 Clone High

Abe: Joan! You’re a girl, right? Do you know how to remove a bra?
Joan: Grrrrrrr…
Abe: I mean, do you step into it like pants, or pull it over like a shirt?

24 Community

Britta: Shut up, Leonard. I know about your crooked wang.
Leonard: No such thing as bad press.

25 Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

Rebecca: I’ve had the worst Thanksgiving ever.
Greg: Mine was really bad, too. It was like Pearl Harbor meets the movie Pearl Harbor.

26 Curb Your Enthusiasm

Joanne: My partner and I are adopting a baby.
Larry: You got yourself a partner! I got a wife. Not exactly a partner. More like a rival.

27 Daria

Helen Morgendorffer: You’re never going to make friends if you keep your nose buried in a book.
Daria Morgendorffer: Let’s hope.

28 Derry Girls

Erin: Does anyone have 10p, I’m ringing Childline.
Michelle: You can’t ring Childline every time your mother threatens to kill you.
Clare: Yeah, you can’t waste Esther’s time like that!

29 Designing Women

Protester (as Suzanne models a fur jacket): Fifty animals died because of that coat!
Suzanne: Wanna make it 51?

30 The Dick Van Dyke Show

Buddy: Hey, play “The Minute Waltz.”
Sally: I only know half of it.
Buddy: Play it twice.

31 Eastbound & Down

Kenny: Who the fuck are you?
Pat: I’m your dad. No, I’m just kidding, your dad’s dead.

32 Everybody Loves Raymond

Frank: What if I wanted to have more kids?
Ray: If God hasn’t stopped you, the government will.

33 The Facts of Life

Tootie: Natalie swore it wasn’t that one.
Natalie: I didn’t swear.
Tootie: You put your hand on the Bible.
Natalie: It was a cookbook, I swore on chicken gumbo!

34 Family Matters

Urkel: Now that Waldo’s out of the picture, does that make me your number-one reject?
Laura: Sure, Steve. There’s no one I wanna say no to more than you.

35 Family Ties

Alex: Skippy, remember when we were little kids and I accidentally ran you over with my bicycle?
Skippy: Yeah.
Alex: I drive a car now.

36 Fawlty Towers

Mr. Hamilton: What I’m suggesting is that this place is the— the crummiest, shoddiest, worst-run hotel in the whole of Western Europe.
Major Gowen: No! No, I won’t have that! There’s a place in Eastbourne.

37 Fleabag

Fleabag: I have a horrible feeling that I’m a greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical, depraved, morally bankrupt woman who can’t even call herself a feminist.
Dad: Well, you get all that from your mother.

38 Flight of the Conchords

Eddie: What you have to do is hold the sign and make sure the arrow is pointing in the right direction. Is that something you think you can do?
Jemaine: I think that’s something a lamppost can do.

39 Frasier

Sherry: Oh, I love making people laugh. To me, humor is like medicine!
Niles: I guess we’re in the placebo group.

40 Fresh Off the Boat

Jessica: At my family’s furniture store, I handled employee grievances.
Eddie: The employees were you and your sister.
Jessica: That bitch.

41 The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Uncle Phil: Will, what you do for a living should provide you with a sense of pride and personal fulfillment. It should tap into that part of you that has something valuable to give to the world. Shouldn’t be just about money.
Will: You really believe that, Uncle Phil?
Uncle Phil: Yes, son, I do.
Will: Then how do you explain bein’ a lawyer?

42 Friends

Ross: Look, I, uh, I realize you guys have been wondering what exactly happened between Carol and me, and so, well, here’s the deal: Carol’s a lesbian. She’s living with a woman named Susan. She’s pregnant with my child, and she and Susan are going to raise the baby.
Judy (to Monica): And you knew about this?!

43 Futurama

Leela: Y’know, Zapp, once I thought you were a big, pompous buffoon. Then I realized that inside you were just a pitiful child. But now I realize that outside that child is a big, pompous buffoon!
Zapp Brannigan: And which one rocked your world?

44 Get Smart

Room Service Attendant: It’s a champagne supper for Mr. Royal and his American fiancée. Poor girl. When he starts operating, she’ll have as much chance as a draft card at a hippie love-in.
Maxwell Smart: You mean he’s a ladies’ man?
Room Service Attendant: Well, let me put it this way: His little black book is in its 24th edition.

45 The Golden Girls

Stan: Morning, ladies. Hey, the way you leave that back door open, any idiot could walk in here. 
Sophia: Any idiot did.

46 The Good Place

Eleanor: It’s like, who died and left Aristotle in charge of ethics?
Chidi: Plato!

47 Happy Endings

Penny: Really, you want to play Santa? Because you hate holidays and you hate kids.
Max: Yeah but I love making extravagant promises that I don’t have to fulfill.

48 Harley Quinn

Poison Ivy (being told “L.O.D.” stands for “Legion Of Doom”): I thought it was Legion of Dildos.
Lex Luthor: That is a sex shop down the street with whom we’re currently in a protracted legal battle.

49 The Honeymooners

Ralph: I don’t know why a man of your age watches birds.
Norton: Why shouldn’t I watch birds? They watch me, don’t they?
Ralph: The only bird that watches you, Norton, is a woodpecker.

50 How I Met Your Mother

Lily: An hour ago, you didn’t even think there was a problem.
Marshall: I was just putting on a brave face. Think about it: We’ve had unprotected sex 203 times in the past four months. (High-fives Lily) Obviously, I’m the problem.
Barney: Problem? You can’t get a girl pregnant. That’s the dream! I’d give my first-born to not be able to have children.

51 I Love Lucy

Ethel: Fred, I’ve got a confession to make to you. You remember when we were married, I said I was 18? I was 19.
Fred: I’ve got something to tell you, too: You were 24.

52 I’m Alan Partridge

Aidan: You ever been to Ireland, Alan?
Alan: No, no. I’d love to go.
Aidan: It amazes me when people say that, and it’s only 49 quid on a plane.
Alan: Yeah, I think that’s what puts me off.

53 Insecure

Issa: Trying to fuck is hard.
Molly: No, it’s not. It’s like riding a bike.
Issa: Yeah, I don’t know how to do that either.

54 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Frank: Look, I didn’t go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.
Dee: You went to Vietnam in 1993 to open up a sweatshop!
Frank: And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

55 The Jeffersons

George: If I paid you to think, you could cash your check at the penny arcade.
Florence: Where do you think I cash it now?

56 The King of Queens

Janet (about Doug): I feel like it was just yesterday he was sitting in his jammies, eating a jelly sandwich, watching Heckle and Jeckle.
Carrie: Actually, that was yesterday.

57 King of the Hill

Dale Gribble: The only thing your roommates (i.e., enemies) will understand is fear (i.e., psychological warfare (i.e., dirty tricks)). It worked for Dick Nixon. For example, get ahold of some goat’s blood. Taint that blood. Then when your roommates need blood, give them the tainted goat’s blood. It’s a perfect plan.
Luanne: I don’t want to hurt anyone. I just want them to do the dishes.
Dale Gribble: Oh. Well, in that case, stack the dishes in the shower. That’s the way Nancy gets me to do them.

58 The Larry Sanders Show

Hank: What about the time I, I, I chipped, uh, my— my tooth on the bathroom urinal. Huh? What the FUCK is so comical about that?
Larry: It was a back tooth, Hank.

59 Living Single

Synclaire: You know what Mark Twain said, “A lawyer who defends himself in court has a fool for a client.”
Khadijah: Did you just call me a fool?
Synclaire: No, Mark Twain did.

60 M*A*S*H

Hawkeye: Let’s make a pact about drinking.
Trapper: All right.
Hawkeye: Let’s never stop.

61 Mad About You

Jamie: How are you holding up?
Paul (in the middle of licking wedding invitation envelopes): Well, if I had two tongues I’d be the happiest person in the world.
Jamie: Second happiest.

62 Malcolm in the Middle

Malcolm (selling Christmas trees with Hal and his brothers): Dad, stop worrying. We can do this. With what we spent on trees and truck rental, we’ll be in profit once we sell tree 67.
Reese: Then let’s just sell that tree first.

63 The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Ted (referring to antacid pills): They’re not for my personal use. I never have any stomach trouble myself.
Murray: No, but you’re a carrier, Ted.

64 The Middle

Sue: Axl’s locker was down this hall, and he would never let me walk down it, even though I had a class here. I would have to go outside, and the old crossing guard would have to lift me up so I could crawl through the window.
Brad: Sue, we don’t have a crossing guard.
Sue: Huh. Then who was that?

65 Mom

Bonnie: Look, we need to think of this family as a reality show. Alliances are going to shift, and right now you’re out.
Adam: So basically, you agree with whoever speaks to you last.
Bonnie: He’s got a point.

66 The Nanny

CC: Maxwell, your bad relationship with your mother is your own fault. I find I catch more flies with honey.
Niles: I always thought your tongue darted out.

67 New Girl

Nick: Do you know any time-consuming, free activities in Griffith Park?
Schmidt: Gross! Suicide?

68 Newhart

Stephanie: Frankly, Dick, being attractive can be a real burden.
Dick: Yes, it’s true.
Stephanie: You don’t know how lucky you are.

69 NewsRadio

Dave: Guess how many pieces of gum Beth chewed last year.
Lisa: Seven hundred and fifty.
Dave: One.

70 Night Court

Roz: What’s that behind your back, Dan?
Dan (hiding a syringe full of insulin he needs to inject her with, he turns around): New Jersey.

71 The Odd Couple

Oscar: Brown juice and green juice.
Myrna: What’s the difference?
Oscar: Two weeks.

72 The Office (U.K.)

David Brent: The thing is, though, no one’s dispensable in my book, because we’re like one big organism, one big animal. The guys upstairs on the phones, they’re like the mouth. The guys down here, the hands.
Jennifer Taylor-Clark: And what part are you?
David Brent: Good question. Probably the humor.

73 The Office (U.S.)

Dwight: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.

74 One Day at a Time (2017)

Schneider: The prize is an iPad mini, and I never win anything!
Elena: You’re a rich, straight, cisgender white dude, you won at life!
Schneider: But I want an iPad mini!

75 Only Murders in the Building

Howard Morris: I’m a librarian.
Jonathan: Shut up.
Howard Morris: That’s our slogan.

76 Parks and Recreation

Leslie: You can have two legacies. Look at Madonna: great singer, amazing arms.
Tom: Look at O.J. Simpson: Heisman Trophy winner, Naked Gun.

77 Party Down

Ron (about a host’s PowerPoint deck): Hey Roman, Google me in 10 years. That’s going to be me.
Roman: The only way I’m Googling you in 10 years is if you get very creative in the way that you kill yourself.

78 Peep Show

Jez: People like lager and nuts.
Super Hans: People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can’t trust people, Jeremy.

79 Police Squad!

Dutch Gunderson: Who are you, and how did you get in here?
Frank: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.

80 Primo

Rollie: Harris hasn’t played before. We need to initiate him.
Drea: Ahhhh.
Mike pulls out a knife and slides it onto the table.
Harris: I thought you said knives were gone.
Drea: There’s always a knife.

Johnny Venture: Later, maybe I’ll stop by your place, and give you a thrill.
Rhoda: You cannot do both.

82 Rick and Morty

Mr. Goldenfold: Now who can tell me the common denominator of these two fractions?... You don’t know, or you’re just bored?
Morty: Hey, listen, you know, if we’re all bored over here, wouldn’t the common denominator be you?

83 The Righteous Gemstones

Judy: You know what I want? I want to get married and get the hell out of Dodge. I’m gonna move to Malibu Beach, shave my pussy and learn to surf.
Jesse: Shave your pussy? Why do you want to shave your pussy?
Judy: So I can surf faster, Jesse!

84 Roseanne

Jackie: What kind of “obscene material” could D.J. have?
Roseanne: I don’t know. Either one of Dan’s Playboys or our credit report.

Fred: Listen, Lamont, I’m not married. I still gotta sow some wild oats.
Lamont: Pop, at your age you ain’t got no wild oats; you got shredded wheat.

86 Schitt’s Creek

Alexis: I just really think you should stay out of it, David. You’re not good under pressure.
David: And you are?
Alexis: Um, I’m sorry, were you picked up by the South Korean secret police on New Year’s? I had to sweet-talk the consulate’s lawyer to get my passport before midnight.

87 Scrubs

Dr. Cox: So if I understand correctly, you left my only child with a creepy borderline psychotic who hates everyone?
Carla: How is that different from leaving him with you?
Dr. Cox: I have freckles.

88 Seinfeld

Jerry: We have to do it. It’s part of our lifestyle. It's like, uh, shaving.
Elaine: Oh, that is such baloney. I shave my legs!
Kramer: Not every day.

89 Sex and the City

Maria: You call this a relationship?
Samantha: Well, it’s tedious and the sex is dwindling, so from what I’ve heard, yes!

90 The Simpsons

Marge (opening monorail panel): Homer, there’s a family of possums in here.
Homer: I call the big one Bitey.

91 Soap

Chief Tinkler: What can we assume from the fact that he was stabbed, strangled, shot, suffocated and bludgeoned?
Jodie: That he didn’t commit suicide.
Chief Tinkler: We can assume that Peter Campbell either had many killers, or he had one killer who really hated his guts.

92 South Park

Mr. Garrison: Very well, I suppose you’ll be wanting my badge and gun.
School Board Member: Mr. Garrison, MOST teachers DO NOT carry a gun!
Mr. Garrison: Oh, so I can keep it, then?

93 Spaced

Daisy: Tim, I’m not going to buy you porn. You can get it from railway sidings like everybody else.
Tim: I can’t. I’m an adult. I’m supposed to leave it there.

94 Superstore

Sandra: You think she’d be cool with paying you cash under the table?
Mateo: Of course, that’s how all rich people pay their immigrants. You think Dianne Wiest has paid a payroll tax her entire life?

95 Taxi

Bobby: We got to tell (Tony) that boxing, it destroys your brain, it damages your nervous system, and it leaves you a stumbling, disoriented, pathetic wreck.
Reverend Jim: And if that’s what he wants, there are easier ways of getting there.

96 Veep

Selina: Dan fucked you?
Amy: Mmm hmmm.
Selina: What were you wearing, a full-length mirror?

97 The Venture Bros.

Dr. Venture: Well, Daphne, I believe she got around quite a bit. But Velma? I always thought she was a—
Action Johnny: Everybody did. But I got a pack of herpes that says otherwise.

98 WKRP In Cincinnati

Mrs. Carlson: Why, Hirsch! This coffee’s delicious!
Hirsch: Umm hmm. That’s because we were having a guest, madam. When it’s just you and me, I prepare it a little differently.

99 Will & Grace

Karen: I’m still waiting on that drink.
Ben: Something tells me you haven’t been waiting.

100 You’re the Worst

Nina: Oh, stop. Skiing is rough on the feet.
Jimmy: Skiing?! It looks like these things got caught in the gears of a clock!