Comic Blair Socci Debunks Five Insane Conspiracy Theories

1 Walt Disney Was Cryogenically Frozen, and His Company Made the Movie ‘Frozen’ So That When People Googled ‘Walt Disney Frozen,’ the Movie Would Come Up First

“Okay, I’ve heard a lot of crazy shit about Walt Disney, but I actually have not heard this theory that he was cryogenically frozen,” Socci says. That said, she was impressed with the SEO of it all. “If that were true, the Frozen Google search is genius. Somebody should be getting a raise for that because that is so smart. These people are adept professionals, incredible geniuses. Someone dreaming up a movie about an ice princess just to solve all of Cryogenically Frozen Walt’s woes.”

Socci did admit that she doesn’t like hearing trash talk about Walt Disney. “I have what I would call an innocent soul,” she says. “I love Disney movies still. So whenever I hear some sinister thing about Walt Disney, I’m like, ‘Is nothing sacred? Is nothing true?’” 

2 The 5G Waves Emitted by the Emergency Broadcast Test Activate the COVID Vaccine Microchips and Turn People into Zombies

“Honestly, I hope that’s true because I’m tired,” Socci says. “I could use a little time off in my brain. Like, I would like to go zombie brain for a while, you know what I mean? That would be a nice relaxing vacation for me.” 

3 Your Social Security Number Indicates Which Bank You Were Sold to at Birth

“That’s sketchy as hell,” Socci says. “That’s scary. That’s sinister. That’s dark.” At this point, Socci catches herself almost revealing the name of her bank, but thinks better of it, referring to the financial institution to which she was sold as the one with the horse-drawn carriage traveling the Oregon Trail.

“How did I land there?” she wonders. “Bank of America didn’t want my ass. Bank of America was not feeling me. What was happening with Chase? Chase didn’t want me? I have a lot to offer!”

4 Gisele Bündchen Is an Actual Witch Who Hexed Leonardo DiCaprio After They Broke Up So That He Would Never Be Able to Date Anyone Older Than She Was When They Broke Up

“I have to say that one’s categorically untrue,” Socci says, but not the part about Bündchen being a witch. “I honestly believe that she could have incredible witch powers.”

Socci’s issue is with the nature of the curse. “Why on God’s green earth would she sentence this man to hot young models? I mean, barely over prepubescent models. I have to know that my girl Gisele didn’t do that. A male warlock did that one.”

5 Rocks Are Soft Until Touched

Socci gave this one some thoughtful consideration. “Is that some quantum physics thing like everything is energy? Matter is really just vibrating molecules?” she wonders. “I guess on some extremely zoomed-out level, that probably is scientifically true, but as a layperson in an actual human body? No, I don’t believe that’s true.”

The more Socci thought about it, the more convinced she became: “What we’re touching is physical matter. Hard-ass physical matter!” 

But don’t get her wrong — she appreciates the science of it all. “One thing about me, I love quantum physics,” she tells me. “I fuck with quantum physics, baby! Sorry to be spitting so much genius at you so fast.”