Comic Blair Socci Debunks Five Insane Conspiracy Theories

Flat Earthers are only the beginning
Comic Blair Socci Debunks Five Insane Conspiracy Theories

Stand-up comic Blair Socci has a great bit on her first-ever hour special Live From the Big Dog (available on Veeps after premiering last month) about meeting Mark Sargent, a conspiracy theorist who’s convinced the world is flat. He couldn’t quite convince Socci, telling her the reason that she couldn’t comprehend the world’s basic flatness, I guess (?), was because she was too young. “I loved it,” she tells me. “That was like his main argument.”

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Socci asked MARK (watch the special, you’ll get it) why, if the Earth is flat, no one in the planet’s history has ever walked off the edge. Sargent’s answer: There’s an ice barrier that catches people. “It’s just insane,” Socci says, while noting that Sargent sells a variety of flat-earth tchotchkes and merch that might explain his fixation. 

Based on her takedown of Sargent and his wackadoodle ideas, we asked Socci to help us dissect five other out-there conspiracy theories. Here’s her take on what might be lurking out there for all of us…

Walt Disney Was Cryogenically Frozen, and His Company Made the Movie ‘Frozen’ So That When People Googled ‘Walt Disney Frozen,’ the Movie Would Come Up First

“Okay, Ive heard a lot of crazy shit about Walt Disney, but I actually have not heard this theory that he was cryogenically frozen,” Socci says. That said, she was impressed with the SEO of it all. “If that were true, the Frozen Google search is genius. Somebody should be getting a raise for that because that is so smart. These people are adept professionals, incredible geniuses. Someone dreaming up a movie about an ice princess just to solve all of Cryogenically Frozen Walt’s woes.”

Socci did admit that she doesn’t like hearing trash talk about Walt Disney. “I have what I would call an innocent soul,” she says. “I love Disney movies still. So whenever I hear some sinister thing about Walt Disney, I’m like, ‘Is nothing sacred? Is nothing true?’” 

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“Honestly, I hope thats true because Im tired,” Socci says. “I could use a little time off in my brain. Like, I would like to go zombie brain for a while, you know what I mean? That would be a nice relaxing vacation for me.” 

Your Social Security Number Indicates Which Bank You Were Sold to at Birth

“Thats sketchy as hell,” Socci says. “Thats scary. Thats sinister. Thats dark.” At this point, Socci catches herself almost revealing the name of her bank, but thinks better of it, referring to the financial institution to which she was sold as the one with the horse-drawn carriage traveling the Oregon Trail.

“How did I land there?” she wonders. “Bank of America didnt want my ass. Bank of America was not feeling me. What was happening with Chase? Chase didnt want me? I have a lot to offer!”

Gisele Bündchen Is an Actual Witch Who Hexed Leonardo DiCaprio After They Broke Up So That He Would Never Be Able to Date Anyone Older Than She Was When They Broke Up

I have to say that one’s categorically untrue,” Socci says, but not the part about Bündchen being a witch. “I honestly believe that she could have incredible witch powers.”

Socci’s issue is with the nature of the curse. “Why on Gods green earth would she sentence this man to hot young models? I mean, barely over prepubescent models. I have to know that my girl Gisele didnt do that. A male warlock did that one.”

Rocks Are Soft Until Touched

Socci gave this one some thoughtful consideration. “Is that some quantum physics thing like everything is energy? Matter is really just vibrating molecules?” she wonders. “I guess on some extremely zoomed-out level, that probably is scientifically true, but as a layperson in an actual human body? No, I dont believe thats true.”

The more Socci thought about it, the more convinced she became: “What were touching is physical matter. Hard-ass physical matter!” 

But don’t get her wrong — she appreciates the science of it all. “One thing about me, I love quantum physics,” she tells me. “I fuck with quantum physics, baby! Sorry to be spitting so much genius at you so fast.” 

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