5 Tragically Sentient Mascots Waiting for Their Pop-Tart Moment

By now, most of you have probably seen the nationally televised martyring of a massive Pop-Tart mascot that’s made its rounds on the internet. Now, I’m not a big fan of giving purposeful glow to intentionally strange PR moves. Insanity that’s focus-grouped and investor-approved just doesn’t have the same delicious chaos that the sharp-toothed parts of my brain delight in. At the same time, I have to acknowledge a job well done.

Something about the specific engineering of the Pop-Tart, and the mascot representing it, do have a craven, death-driven energy, a wide-eyed desperation to be consumed like an alien parasite. So when we were treated to (at least in theory) the toasting and subsequent consumption of said Pop-Tart figurehead, it gave the sort of comfort civilizations of old must have felt after a sacrificial ritual went off without a hitch. Which raises only one question: Which mascot should be the next to meet its cathartic doom?

5 The Kool-Aid Man

Everyone’s favorite sloshing pitcher of goodwill is overdue, especially given the way he conducts himself, for the inevitable to arrive. It’s a dangerous occupation, to come crashing into groups of extremely thirsty people bearing delicious liquid when you yourself are the source of seconds, should it come to it. You have to be spot-on with your thirst estimations, lest you make up the difference.

It would also answer a question that has existed as long as the Man himself has: exactly what part of him is… him? The easy and naturally thematic guess would be that he is the Kool-Aid liquid, but his arms and legs seem to be part of the pitcher, so how is that operated? If you were to pour him into another container, would he then possess that glass/bucket/vase? Is he the pitcher? It would make sense, but certainly be a little less fun knowing he could be filled with anything. Or are both elements necessary for his creation and function, like an epoxy? Let’s drink him and find out!

4 The SpaghettiO

Out of the mascots on this list, there’s definitely none deader-eyed than the anthropomorphic SpaghettiO that’s excitedly licking its own ring on their advertisements and cans. It does feel like he and the Pop-Tart have a certain connection, like they might be cousins. Honestly, “pasta you can make in a toaster” is a technically inaccurate, but vibe-perfect description of SpaghettiOs in my mind.

But back to the oval at hand: This guy, if he is indeed a he and even a singular SpaghettiO and not one of an army, is absolutely lights-off upstairs. They haven’t even, as far as I can tell, given him the honor of a name, not that he’d want or be capable of responding to one. Those eyes are filled with nothing but blank pleading and acceptance, that you would be so kind as to ingest not only him, but a bowl of his brothers with him. It’s the emotional presence of a fish, one so hollow that even some vegetarians are like, “and those.”

3 All the M&Ms

Let me just say, I’ve had about enough of these motherfuckers in general. Look, I love the Santa ad as much as the next guy, and I understand the universal and timeless appeal of smart short guy/dumb big guy in comedy. There’s a reason Of Mice and Men is so funny! However, though these candies may not melt in the hand, they do indeed wear on the mind.

Once they made one whose personality was “horny,” it was a sign that things needed to be brought back under closer supervision. I think they’ve said their piece, and it’s time for them to settle their debts. They’ve had a decade plus of more consciousness than ever could have been expected for chocolate candy droplets, and they should be thankful they were allowed that. It’s also becoming clear that they do not naturally age, so we’ve got to make this decision sometime.

2 Charlie the Tuna

Unlike the other, mostly innocent occupants of this list, Charlie the Tuna is a despicable death-dealer of the highest level. The spineless coward sits on the front of the can with a beret and thick-rimmed glasses he picked from some floating trash island and waves in humans to eat his brethren. He thinks a little hat makes him one of us, and makes him better than what he is.

Instead, he’s nothing but a sad, traitorous supplicant, thinking that he’ll someday be granted access to human society in return for the canned flesh of a thousand of his relatives. He, unlike the others, seems desperate to avoid being eaten, and that’s the only reason I’ll allow it. It might not even be necessary considering I think dropping him into any modern day school of tuna would have the same bloody conclusion of dropping a pedophilic cop into supermax gen-pop. Satan has an empty castle in his throne room aquarium waiting for Charlie.

1 The Trix Rabbit

Okay, this last entry isn’t a question of edibility, though I guess you could prepare and eat the Trix Rabbit the same way you might any other rabbit. I just think the guy deserves to see an end to his suffering. I’m not sure why exactly those horrible children are so dedicated to preventing him from ever eating Trix. I feel like it would be fine if he had some. If he truly is never going to get a taste of Trix, though, I think it’s best for all of us that we put him out of his misery.

Eli Yudin is a stand-up comedian in Brooklyn. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @eliyudin and listen to his podcast, What A Time to Be Alive, about the five weirdest news stories of the week, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify or wherever else you get your podcasts.