15 Funny Jokes to Absolutely Distract You From the Fact That Tomorrow Is Monday
Unless we’re really lucky, and this thing has some unforeseen SEO legs delivering it to your eyeballs on Monday or beyond, we’ll assume you’re dragging ass through the first Sunday of the year. Well my friend, we’re right there with you. That’s why we packed this go-bag of comedy bangers to combat the Sunday Scaries. Have as many as you want! There’s plenty to go around.
Mitch Hedberg Has a Safety Tip, In Case You’re Treating a Hangover
“Advil has a candy coating. It’s delicious. And it says right on the bottle, ‘Do not have more than two.’ Well then, do not put a candy coating around it!”
Some Religious Philosophy from Bo Burnham on This, the Lord’s Day
“If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?”
Gary Gulman Wants You to Check Your Surroundings If You’re Still in Bed
“If you’re 26 years old and you’re waking up in Star Wars sheets, the Force is not with you.”
Take a Couple of Minutes to Review Your Apocalypse Survival Plan, Like Sam Jay
“Survival begs the question, ‘Do you have the will to live?’ And the answer is no! I don’t give a fuck about life enough to fight for it. Every time I watch Cast Away, I’m like, ‘Just be dead!’ What are you doing? Lay on the beach and let the waves take you, dog! Walking Dead? Once my phone’s dead, I’m dead!”
Take This Opportunity to Catch Up on the News, Like Norm Macdonald Always Did
“I read a story about a 17-year-old kid who stole a plane, crashed it and survived. Why don’t we make the whole plane out of that kid?”
If You’re Having a Romantic Day with Your Partner, Take This Tip from Taylor Tomlinson
“I was very sheltered growing up. I was terrified of sex. I thought I would be bad at it. Now that I’m older, it’s so easy to be good at sex, isn’t it? All you have to do is approach it with the enthusiasm of a child. Just put everything in your mouth. If you can reach it and it fits, that’s where it goes. Pretend you’re four and your partner’s made of LEGOs. It’s not complicated.”
Revisit an Old Favorite Movie with a New Eye, like Nicole Byer
“Ursula is a shapeshifting sea witch, who chooses to be a fat, beautifully made-up, incorrect octopus. She only has six tentacles. And she only turns into a thin white woman to go to where the people are. So maybe Ursula’s not a villain! Maybe Ursula’s just misunderstood. Maybe she took Ariel’s voice to show her that having a voice is more important than looking like every other basic bitch. Maybe she’s onto something!”
Spare a Thought for Weekends Past Like John Mulaney:
“I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night, and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their thirties called ‘Tonight’s No Good. How About Wednesday? Oh, You’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s Not See Each Other for Eight Months and It Doesn’t Matter at All.’”
Take a Moment to Expand Your Social Circle Like Ali Wong
“I joined a mom group in Los Angeles. I don’t find any of these bitches particularly interesting or fun, but when you’re a new mom on maternity leave, it’s like The Walking Dead. You just gotta hook up with a crew to survive.”
Planning Next Week’s Date Night? Keep Sarah Silverman’s Surprisingly Wholesome Experience in Mind
“Once I was with two men in one night. But I could never do it again — I could hardly walk afterward. Two dinners? That’s a lot of food.”
How Will You Seek Vengeance Upon Your Enemies This Week? Create Your Plan of Attack with Demetri Martin
“The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.”
Getting Some Fresh Air Today? Be Honest with Iliza Shlesinger: Are You Really Going Hiking?
“Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon, because they make your butt look unreasonably good — and they should, for 800 fucking dollars — and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.”
If You’re on Vacation, Put a Little Extra Thought into Your Correspondences (Unlike Jim Gaffigan)
“You could be a genius — you try to write a postcard, you come across like a moron anyway. It’s always like, ‘This city’s got big buildings. I like food. Bye.’”
Steven Wright Really Nails the Feeling of Languishing on a Sunday
“Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.”
We’ll Leave You with This Banger from Dave Chappelle! This One’s a Real Thinker
*Gesticulates offensively for several seconds, then smiles wryly at the audience, as if to say, “Oh yeah, I went there.”*
