5 Tenets of Christianity That Are Overflowing With the Woke Mind Virus

Grow up, Jesus!
5 Tenets of Christianity That Are Overflowing With the Woke Mind Virus

A little more than 2,000 years ago, one of the world’s most famous embryos reached completion and popped out. Immediately, he was showered with various herbs and percussive music. It would turn out that, at least as far as a significant portion of the population was concerned, this tiny child was the direct incarnation of the Almighty God. Honestly, it was wild.

He spent a bit of time woodworking, but then changed careers into miracle-working and oration. His teachings from that point on formed the basis for a religion that would sweep the world, known as Christianity. The thing is, who knows what was going on back then? This is a different world, and I think some of them need to be reevaluated to make them tougher and generally sounding less like they came from a little bitch.

Here are five Christian tenets that absolutely reek of beta woke mind virus…



A picture of a guy not learning his lesson.

One thing J-bone saw important to emphasize was the power of forgiveness. He practically wouldn’t shut up about it. Lots of talk about turning the other cheek and so on and so forth. Which sure, I get, but to follow this teaching closely, does Jesus not understand that I’m going to look like a gigantic pussy? For example, Matthew 18:21-22 tells us, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times?’ Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but 77 times.’”

You want me, a modern man, in the club, to allow someone to slap my girl’s ass at the club a whopping 77 times? It may be godly to stand there with a forgiving face while someone goes at my lady’s behind like a broken air conditioner, but I think, should he return today, he would agree this is reprehensible beta behavior. I may later be in heaven, but my girlfriend will later be in the men’s bathroom making a mockery of our years together, so where’s the victory here?



I worked hard to earn this weird ball of money!

Something else the sandaled avatar of the divine saw fit to harp on was the power of generosity. Look, I understand the power of giving, and it does feel good to do — right up until you realize you’re not getting that shit back until maybe the afterlife. Not to mention, and no shade to Jesus here, it’s not like he had much shit that anybody would want. The dude’s net worth was basically a piece of bread here and there.

So it’s easy for him to follow teachings like John 3:17, which says, “If anyone has material possessions and sees a brother or sister in need but has no pity on them, how can the love of God be in that person?” Dude was giving away half a fish that he probably magicked up anyways. I bet if Jesus had owned a sick truck, he wouldn’t have been so jazzed to fill that thing with lepers and send it on its way. Not to mention the whole thing reeks of communism. Jesus: enemy of meritocracy? I’m not saying that, but I sure am writing it.



Any coincidence that doves are white, the color of snowflakes?

Look, I’m not a big fan of the word “peace.” I think it’s a shield for people who don’t understand how the world really works: through a system of constant, bloody retribution. I’d like to see someone practice “peace” in the UFC octagon. Sounds like a good way to get your nose turned into something that looks like a child’s playground slide. Also, what if someone is shit-talking you, Jesus? You want me to just smile at them like a goddamn moon-faced child?

So forgive me (as you always talk about) if I don’t fully vibe with Romans 14:19 telling me to “make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.” Sounds like a good way to get taken advantage of. You might be the expert on godliness, but there’s also the military advantage of a surprise attack. Getting kicked to shit in a corner like a new transfer student doesn’t feel like enlightenment to me. Keying someone’s car after they cut you off? Now that feels godly!



Im the yoked guy on the left.

Look, respect is earned. I have four T-shirts that say that across my shoulder blades in an Olde English typeface, so that should tell you how fiercely I believe it. I’m not going to just hand out mutual agreement to every jamoke I find myself in a coffee shop line with. If you respect everyone, then it loses all meaning! It should be something that is only begrudgingly dispensed through a small nod, between two buff men.

So I simply cannot abide by teachings such as Corinthians 10:33, which reads, “Even as I try to please everyone in every way. For I am not seeking my own good but the good of many, so that they may be saved.” It’s right there in plain, questionably translated English: You’re telling me to be that lowest of the low, a goddamn people-pleaser! Everyone needs to be a little mad at me, that’s the only way I tell myself I’m interesting! I bet Jesus’ Netflix comedy special would be full of pandering, clapter-inducing nonsense. I’ll stick with Ricky Gervais, thank you very much.

Worshipping A Baby


Call me back when you pay rent, little man!

I don’t care if you’re the son of god, I’m not kneeling in front of some weak infant with no object permanence. Call me back when your fontanelle fills in, bud.

Eli Yudin is a stand-up comedian in Brooklyn. You can follow him on Twitter and Instagram at @eliyudin and listen to his podcast, What A Time to Be Alive, about the five weirdest news stories of the week, on Apple PodcastsSpotify or wherever else you get your podcasts.

Scroll down for the next article
Forgot Password?