Was Jesus Getting Stoned?

“Pass the bong said He,” Psalm 4:20
Was Jesus Getting Stoned?

Maybe a perfectly sober person could have managed to feed thousands of people with five loaves of bread and two fish, die for his followers' sins, and you know, come back to life in three days. Or maybe it was the work of someone who dabbled in the use of marijuana. The point is- who else would have claimed that their body was bread

Yes, a lot of exaggerations are being made here, but let’s not forget the history that brings us to question whether or not Jesus was a stoner.

It began when Dr. Sula Benet, a Polish anthropologist in the 1930’s, stated her theory that an ingredient mentioned several times in the Old Testament known as kaneh-bosm was perhaps a reference to cannabis. This term kaneh-bosm aka q’aneh-bosm, is repeatedly brought up in the Old Testament, for instance, one version of the Exodus reads

“And the Lord spoke to Moses, saying: Take for yourself choice spices: 500 shekels of pure myrrh, half as much of fragrant cinnamon, 250 shekels of q’aneh-bosm, 500 shekels of cassia– and mix these with olive oil.”

“Also, could you mix me up some Chex mix?”

With this evidence, Jesus was certainly someone who dabbled with weed. However, the New Testament barely ever mentions kaneh-bosm. Or, could it be that there’s no specific reference to it? David Bienenstock, an expert in all-things weed and author of How to Smoke Pot (Properly) suspects that marijuana very much could have been a remedy for illnesses all those years back, most likely being absorbed through the skin by oil concentration.   

Several references in the Bible also support that anointing with this mixture was the way to rid the body of demons and treat several diseases that were cared for using cannabis, such as leprosy. Priests and chosen royalty were baptized with this holy concoction, and in Judaism the Hebrew term messiah came to be, then later in Christianity the term christ, both meaning “the anointed one.” Coincidence my lord?             

Even if Jesus was baked from time to time due to the evident presence of weed, the guy performed miracles that probably couldn’t have happened otherwise. And if that’s so, how ironic would Jesus have thought it that cannabis use has been a dicey situation for so long? Apparently, the side effects of it were pretty remarkable for him.  

Jesus may not have been your stereotypical Arizona green-tea-drinking, dude-calling, paper-rolling, Doritos-eating weed smoker, but very well could have been a stoner on his own terms who loved his oils and shared the “good vibes” on his way. 

For more of Oona’s sarcasm, visit her humor site, www.oonaoffthecuff.com.


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