When Dennis Miller Went to Flavortown

Guy Fieri doesn’t have a lot of guest stars on Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives (unless you count his ravenous kids). But back in 2012, Fieri traveled to Santa Barbara to share some “prime-time pizza and amazing arancini” with none other than Saturday Night Live’s Dennis Miller. We’ve searched for online video of that epic encounter but for some reason, Food Network has scraped any episodic remains from the sizzling hot grill of its archives. But we have you covered — here’s (more or less) a transcript of Miller’s triumphant journey to Flavortown: 

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“Hey folks, I don’t want to go on a rant here, but let me tell you about this culinary conquistador known as Guy Fieri. This guy is the Evel Knievel of the kitchen, always pushing the boundaries of flavor and taking our taste buds on a leap over the Snake River Canyon of delicious. How about that spiky hair and goatee? Fieri’s more recognizable than a Kardashian at an influencer convention.

“We’re heading to a favorite joint of mine here in Santa Barbara, and I gotta tell you, the pizza here has more kick than a Jackie Chan film festival. I mean, this place is the Sistine Chapel of cheese. The crust is crispier than Corn Chex before you add the oat milk, you know what I’m saying? I don’t want to say the pizza was good, but it made Fieri weep like he’d just watched the ending of Marley and Me. Let me tell you, these pizzaiolos were on top of their game like Chauncey Billups in the 2004 NBA Finals. 

“And what can we say about the ambiance? This establishment harkens back to the heady days when Chef Boyardee had more hair than Carla’s ex on Cheers. I mean, this place has more candles than a birthday cake for Dianne Feinstein. Talk about romantic — the joint smells like a Fellini movie wrapped inside an Erbazzone Reggiano.

“All in all, it was a culinary experience that left me happy as a clam, if a clam could polish off an entire 18-inch Prosciutto di Carpegna all on its lonesome.

“Did I mention Guy and me got plowed on three cheap bottles of Pinot Noir? That’s the meal, cha-cha, and I am out of here.”