'Saturday Night Live' Stars, Ranked By How Much They Charge on Cameo

Want to book Will Ferrell, Tina Fey or Eddie Murphy to record a personalized message for your ailing co-worker, hard-to-buy-for cousin or special Valentine?

Well, we hate to break it to you but ex-SNL stars of that magnitude aren’t picking up extra cash by recording “Happy birthday, Skeeter!” videos on their iPhones. But if you’re willing to lower your standards just a smidge, there are a number of old Saturday Night Live cast members who are willing to shout out your family members for something less than the price of a mortgage payment.

Here are the SNL comics you can book today, ranked by how much they charge…

Click right here to get the best of Cracked sent to your inbox.

15 John Milhiser: $20

It’s all about the Harriet Tubmans, baby. For the price of a single Tubman, one-season-wonder Milhiser will deliver the goods. Ask him about the time he flashed Lady Gaga!

14 Luke Nall: $40

You have to promise that if you spend the $40, his Cameo won’t get cut for time.

13 Jeff Richards: $50

FYI — the Drunk Girl comic’s average video length is 19 seconds (versus more than two minutes for Null). You get what you pay for.

12 Robin Duke: $70

Duke was a performer on what we regularly call SNL’s worst season, so if it were us, we’d pay her to talk about Schitt’s Creek instead.

11 Horatio Sanz: $99

Here’s your last chance to book an SNL star for less than $100. Just don’t expect Sanz to get through the entire Cameo without cracking up.

10 Victoria Jackson: $125

With an average video length of more than three minutes, who knows what kind of baby-voiced wackadoodle Jackson will manage to spew to your friends and relatives.

9 Chris Kattan: $125

We watched one depressing Cameo where Kattan tries to talk someone out of a midlife funk. “It’s a hard time for everybody,” he sighed.

8 Chris Parnell: $145

At more than five minutes per video on average, is Parns the best value on the board? You know the guy will rap if you ask him.

7 Jon Lovitz: $150

Only one-fiddy? Yeah, that’s the ticket!

6 Laraine Newman: $150

A very reasonable price for the only original Not Ready for Primetime Player on the list.

5 David Koechner: $199

Too bad one-season SNL star Koechner was also in The Office and Anchorman to drive up his price. Whammy!

4 Siobhan Fallon Hogan: $199

The SNL fan in your life loves Fallon but Jimmy’s not available? It’s Siobhan (no relation) to the rescue!

3 Cheri Oteri: $200

Oteri and Lovitz are the only cast members on this list to earn an SNL “Best of” DVD. Who better to comfort Uncle Don after his knee surgery?

2 Anthony Michael Hall: $200

We’re guessing Hall’s hefty price tag has less to do with his one season on SNL and more to do with being one of the biggest teen movie stars of the 1980s. But go ahead, ask him about working with Lovitz.

1 Joe Piscopo: $250

Of course the most expensive SNL Cameo would be Joe Piscopo, the Chairman of the Board himself. If your local American Legion is having an event, there’s no better guy to shout out the invites.

30 of the Biggest Culture Shocks People Have Experienced

Ancient Poisons Not Even Putin Would Dare Use

21 of the Best Times Celebrities Played Themselves On-Screen

14 Child-Friendly Jokes That Will Have You Rolling Your Eyes Into the Back of Your Skull

Jason Alexander Memorized George’s Famous Golf Ball Diatribe in Record Time