Rob Corddry Is Raring to Roast Your Fantasy Football Loser Friends

Humiliation isn’t enough for those sad sacks who lose fantasy football leagues. That’s why right-thinking leagues dream up extra punishment for last-place losers — ugly tattoos, performing stand-up at open mic night, digesting 24 hours worth of pancakes at an IHOP. But why shame your friends like an amateur when you can enlist a professional? 

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Rob Corddry, a guy who used to insult people for a living, might just be the man for the job. The Daily Show and Children’s Hospital vet who has traded scathing insults with the likes of Roastmaster General Jeffrey Ross is teaming up with Jack Links to pour some red-hot disgrace on your sophomore year roommate who didn’t realize Tom Brady had retired. 

Yeah yeah, this is corporate marketing (you have to register your league with Jack Links to win the Corddry roast) but the degradation sounds like it could still be painful. “I’m really going to get to know the winning league and study them like a textbook,” Corddry threatened via press release, “so I can properly hurt the loser’s feelings.” 

For extra pain, the humiliation will be public as Corddry’s skewering will be streamed live online for all the world to see. Bonus stigma: A finger-pointing billboard erected in the loser’s hometown. Well played, protein snacks!

But here’s the problem: We’re guessing lots of fantasy football idiots will sign up for a shot at Corddry, meaning the odds of winning are significantly worse than those of beating the guys in your league. Can we suggest Cameo as a back-up plan? Professional Howard Stern fantasy football troll Michael Rappaport is available to kick the defeated when they’re down for only $199, and the f-bombs are free. 

For only fifty bucks more, you could get Joel McHale to throw some heat, Community-style! The guy who played Mickey on Seinfeld will do it for $85. On a budget? Someone named The Roast King Moe Train will insult your buddies for fifteen bucks. (Tough making a living for royalty these days.) 

Nice to know that no matter your budget, someone will sell you a professional kick in the pants.