Ex-Convicts on How They Think the ‘Seinfeld’ Gang Would Have Fared in Prison
When Jerry, George, Elaine and Kramer got sentenced to a year in prison in the Seinfeld finale, Jerry thought it would be no big deal. “It’s only a year, that’s not so bad,” he argued as he was being escorted into a cell.
But really, how would that year have gone for them? Would Jerry have ended up with a shiv in his neck after he mouthed off? Would George have turned into a jailhouse snitch? Would Elaine have become the head of a girl gang? Would Kramer’s zaniness have endeared him to his fellow jailbirds or endangered him?
Sure, Larry David and Seinfeld himself might be the only people who can truly provide those answers. But there are a few others who can at least take an educated guess — namely, those who have served time and who also happen to love Seinfeld. And so, I located a bunch of Seinfeld-loving ex-cons — and one current con — and asked them how they thought that year would go for Jerry and the gang. Here’s what they had to say…
Austin Murr, served five years: I don’t think Jerry would do very well. He’s funny, but people in prison aren’t trying to have a sense of humor. I could see him getting punked out just for trying to be funny. He’s also Jewish, which would work against him in there.
Roshaun Brown, serving life without parole: Jerry would probably get a detail working in the kitchen. He’d get beat up a lot over his mouth, but he’s funny enough to get away with a lot of smart-mouthing.
Chris, served five months: Jerry would definitely die. He questions things too much, and you’re not supposed to do that in prison. I’d give him two or three weeks at most.
Loretta Shybird Brown, served two years: George would not do good at all. He strikes me as timid, and in institutions, being timid is a weakness. People like that get victimized more in institutions, like losing their personal possessions. He would definitely be a target.
Roshaun Brown: George would be the warden’s boy. He’d tell the warden everything he sees, but he’d also do a lot of slimy shit himself.
Loretta Shybird Brown: Elaine would cry. She would never want to come out of the cell. Also, in a female institution, you usually have five or six other women in a cell, so she’d be stuck in her cell with them all the time and those other women would drive her crazy.
Murr: I think Elaine would be banging the warden. She wouldn’t want to be in there with all those other women, so that’d be her way out.
Chris: Elaine would run her own gang. On day one she’d bite someone’s cheek off and work her way up from there.
Murr: Kramer would be in the hole because the guards would always think he’s high.
Jason S., served 20 years and 9 months: Kramer would struggle because he wouldn’t be aware of prison politics, a lot of which is based on race. Kramer is color-blind to the politics I witnessed, so he wouldn’t be able to understand that this is the Black basketball court and this is the white workout area. He’d be cool with everyone, then accidentally start a big fight in the yard.
Loretta Shybird Brown: Kramer might be alright. Everyone would think he’s crazy, and they might enjoy him for that reason. People like that, who are weird and funny, change the atmosphere around them, which is a good thing.
Roshaun Brown: Kramer would be fine. He’d find his lane and get in it. Do a lot of drugs, sidestep the bullshit, then make parole on the first try.
Chris: Kramer’s a hustler, and hustlers live — everybody needs them.