Your Favorite Joke, According to Twitter

Comics and book author Ned Hartley recently tweeted out a challenge to Twitter users, complete with his own answer: 

We’ll let you check his tweet for the extended Barry Cryer joke (responders contributed plenty more classics from comic Cryer, if that’s your cup of British tea), but here’s a round-up of other favorite jokes, according to Twitter users (occasionally messy spelling and grammar left intact). Warning: Corny dad jokes ahead.

From scientist Michael Eisen: A squirrel is sitting in an oak tree eating acorns when he feels the tree shake A LOT. He looks down and sees an elephant climbing the tree, so he yells down “Hey elephant, why are you climbing my tree?” The elephant says “I want to eat some pears.” The squirrel laughs and says, “You idiot, this is an oak tree.” And the elephant replies “it’s ok, I brought my own pears”

From @WillDriveTrains: 

From @MRipley13:

A man walks into a library.

"I'd like some fish and chips, please."

The librarian looks at him and says, "Sir, this is a library."

The man *whispers*, "Sorry, can I have some fish and chips, please?"

@angadc suggested Norm Macdonald’s classic Moth Joke, which has its own Barry Cryer origins (and probably goes back further than that):

@dangit_kyle contributed this beauty:

A dog walks into a telegraph office, goes up to the clerk and says “I'd like to send a message to my friend.” Clerk says “OK, what's the message?” Dog says, “Woof woof. Woof, woof woof. Woof woof, woof woof. Woof.” Clerk looks at the message and says, “y'know, we charge by the line, so you can add another ‘woof’ in there for no additional cost.” Dog says, “But then it wouldn't make any sense.” 

Dr. Reshanne Reeder weighs in with this gag from Emo Phillips: 

Thundergasm Angrypants shares a dark joke nearly as funny as their name:

A man wakes up in the hospital, with no idea of how he got there. After a moment of checking himself over, he starts to panic and shouts for the nurse, who enters the room.

He says, “Nurse! I can’t feel my legs!”

“Oh,” she replies, “that’s because we’ve amputated your arms.”

We’ll let Team Maths (@Team_Maths1) take us home with a two-part joke. Part one:

A horse goes into a bar and asks for a pint. 

The bartender says ‘you know, you’re in here pretty often, do you think you might be an alcoholic?’ 

The horse says ‘I don’t think I am’ and promptly vanishes from existence. 

And part two:

You see this is a joke about Descartes’ famous line from philosophy ‘I think therefore I am.’ 

But if I had explained that before the rest of the joke it would have been putting Descartes before the horse!

(Your dad’s going to love that last one.)