Conan O'Brien Runs Down Every Hideous Mutation of His Hideous Body

And here we thought Conan O’Brien’s only disgusting bodily abnormalities were his horrific red hair, stretched out spaghetti body, and three-foot penis.

On the all-too-aptly-named podcast Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend, the late-night legend and disgrace to every one of God’s creations revealed exactly how abhorrent his anatomy really is. O’Brien detailed his immunity to caffeine, his resistance to anesthetic, and his – gags — webbed foot to the horror of his co-hosts.

“She was drinking plutonium in the second and third trimester,” O’Brien said of his mother who must have also accrued a massive number of curses considering the absolute abomination she birthed.

O’Brien’s abnormalities must have affected his psyche as well as his physiology, since he lamented how his swamp feet can’t fit in those “kinda cool” toe shoes that any reasonable, non-grotesque individual would consider almost as repulsive as O’Brien himself. 

In a less enlightened era, O’Brien with his many mutations would only be able to participate in society as a part of a traveling freak show – thankfully for him, the laws now prohibit the rabble from pelting horrors like him with stones as if they were one of Mary Shelley’s creations come to life.