Best Retired South Park Characters — And If They Should Return
South Park has a cast of literally thousands of characters, from “A 34-Year-Old Asian Man Who Looks Strikingly Similar to Ricardo Montalbán” to “Zytar, Alien Inventor of Sentient Towels.” Over the years, some have graduated from nameless background kids to speaking in every episode, like Tolkien or poor Butters (who was better off living in obscurity, considering all the crap this show has put him through). Others have moved in the opposite direction, going from a central part of the show to appearing exclusively in crowd scenes or being officially retired, usually in pretty violent ways.
Here are our favorite neglected South Park characters and whether they should return or not…
Chef was South Park’s wise, massively horny moral compass, and part of the show died when he was brainwashed by the
Church of Scientology Super Adventure Club into becoming an evil child molester. Consequently, he was burned alive, impaled, shot and mauled by a grizzly bear and a mountain lion. Aside from appearing as a zombie in a video game, Chef was last seen being turned into Darth Chef by the Super Adventure Club in the 2006 episode “The Return of Chef.”
Should He Return? As Chef? No, there’s no point without Isaac Hayes, who quit (or was made to quit) the show after it made fun of the
Super Adventure Club Church of Scientology and died two years later. As Darth Chef? Well, yeah! That teaser has kept us in suspense for 17 years.
One of South Park’s earliest catchphrases was “No Kitty, this is MY (food item)!” as said by Cartman to his pet kitten, Mr. Kitty. Yes, the fact that he named her “Mr. Kitty” shows how much attention he paid to her. Poor Mr. Kitty had a great deal of protagonism in episodes like “Major Boobage” (the boys get high off her urine) and “Cat Orgy” (self-explanatory), but she hasn’t been seen since 2012. It’s entirely possible that Cartman just forgot to feed her one day, assuming he ever did.
Should She Return? Only if Cartman learns how to treat her right. Bad Cartman.
Saddam Hussein is the closest thing South Park has had to a recurrent supervillain and the rudest Canadian on record. (Don’t question why Saddam is Canadian in this show.) Saddam was the antagonist of the South Park movie and various episodes between 1998 and 2006, but his appearances stopped when the real Saddam was executed at the end of that year.
Should He Return? Being dead never stopped South Park’s Saddam, so yeah, we’re overdue for another Saddam episode. Who cares if 50 percent of the show’s current audience has no idea who that is?
Satan, on the other hand, was introduced as a villain, but we quickly learned that there are hidden depths to the character. With Kenny’s encouragement, he was able to escape his abusive relationship with Saddam and find a kinder boyfriend. He was last seen sacrificing himself to try to save the world from ManBearPig in 2018 and going to Heaven. Now he finally lives... up there.
Should He Return? No. Let him rest. He’s earned it, dammit.
Big Gay Al and Mr. Slave
These two walking gay stereotypes were a staple of the show at one point — Big Gay Al had an episode named after him, and Mr. Slave was the main setting for another one (‘member Lemmiwinks?). They eventually hooked up and got married, and despite appearing as a couple from time to time, they haven’t had speaking roles since 2009 and 2016.
Should They Return? On the one hand, it’s good that the show had gay characters who weren’t complete maniacs like Mr. Garrison. On the other, one of Mr. Slave’s most famous appearances involved inserting all of Paris Hilton into his rectum during a “Whore-Off,” so let’s go with “maybe.”
In the show’s early seasons, Stan’s Uncle Jimbo and his 'Nam buddy Ned were some of the most prominent adults in the series, sometimes going off on wacky adventures unrelated to whatever the boys were doing. While Jimbo still has the odd speaking role from time to time, Ned hadn’t talked in 17 years before being used as more cannon fodder for ManBearPig in 2018. He’s made a few more cameos since then, but it looks like his voice box is still out of order.
Should He Return? Yeah. We still kinda want a Huntin’ and Killin’ spin-off starring these two knuckleheads.
Pip, the British kid in school, was introduced in the show’s first episode and was basically an early version of Butters — a polite little boy the others treat like crap. In fact, he and Butters appeared to be in the same friend group before the latter began hanging out with some bad influences. As Butters’ protagonism grew, Pip faded into the background. He was crushed by Mecha-Streisand in 2010.
Should He Return? At the risk of angering his weirdly devoted fanbase, no, unless they figure out a way to distinguish him from Butters. Maybe he comes back from Hell super buff or something.
Everyone loves Mr. Hankey, a whimsical Christmas poo who brings magic and joy into children’s lives! Twenty-one seasons later: We regret to inform you that Mr. Hankey has been canceled due to offensive tweets. He hasn’t been seen since being banished into the world of The Simpsons in 2018.
Should He Return? Considering that “canceled” comedians keep going on tours and winning Grammys, yes, it would make complete sense for him to come back. Only on Christmas, though.
Damien, Son of Satan, joins the boys’ class in Season One and is immediately bullied by them for being a little weirdo with telekinetic powers who keeps babbling on about bringing forth the end of times and such. He’s finally accepted into the group once he starts bullying Pip, the only kid who tried to befriend him. Other than a cameo in one of the games, this episode was Damien’s only speaking role. He continued appearing as a background character for years but hasn’t shown up since 2017.
Should He Return? Considering he was next in the line of succession for the ownership of Hell, yeah, Lord Damien should return at some point. Maybe Saddam uses him to enact revenge on the boys, but he sides with his friends at the last moment. Then they all bully Pip in the netherworld.
After the first episode established that aliens are secretly observing us and have concluded that cows are the most intelligent beings on Earth, these visitors from outer space continued showing up as Easter eggs in every other episode. In 2003, it was revealed that they’ve been putting antennas up people’s butts because all of Earth is part of a reality show they’ve been transmitting for billions of years — turns out the hidden visitors are tech workers. However, the South Park wiki lists no visitors between Seasons 16 and 23, and Season 24 only had two, so it looks like they’ve been slacking at their job for a while.
Should They Return? Yes. Unless they’ve been hiding so well recently that we just can’t find them.
Follow Maxwell Yezpitelok's heroic effort to read and comment on every '90s Superman comic at Superman86to99.tumblr.com.