15 Bill Hicks Jokes for the Hall of Fame

15 Bill Hicks: People Person

“I don't have a bad attitude. I’ve got a great attitude. I just got a classic face that, I don't know what's wrong with my face, but people I don't even know walk up to me out of the blue and go, ‘What's wrong?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Well, it takes more energy to frown than it does to smile.’

‘Yeah, you know it takes more energy to point that out than it does to leave me alone?’”

14 Bill on Reading

“I was in Nashville, Tennessee last week and after the show I went to a waffle house. I'm sitting there eating, and I'm reading a book. I don't know anybody, I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book. And this waitress comes over to me and says, ‘What’chu reading for?’

I said, ‘Wow, I've never been asked that. Not ‘what am I reading’ but ‘what am I reading for’? Well, goddammit, you stumped me! I guess I read for a lot of reasons, but the main one is so I don't end up being a f–king waffle waitress. Yeah, that'd be real high on the list.’

Then this trucker in the next booth gets up, stands over me and goes, ‘Well, looks like we got ourselves a reader.’

What the f–k’s going on? It’s like I walked into a klan rally in a Boy George costume or something. Am I stepping out of some intellectual closet here? I read. There, I said it. I feel better.”

13 Bill on Drugs, Part 1

“You see, I think drugs have done some good things for us. I really do. And if you don’t believe drugs have done good things for us, do me a favor. Go home tonight. Take all your albums, all your tapes and all your CDs and burn them. ‘Cause you know what, the musicians that made all that great music that’s enhanced your lives throughout the years? Rrrrrrrrreal f--king high on drugs. The Beatles were so f--king high they let Ringo sing a few tunes. Tell me they weren’t partying. ‘We all live in a yellow submarine…’ Do you know how f–king high they were? They had to pull Ringo off the ceiling with a rake to sing that song.”

12 Bill on Drugs, Part 2

“I used to do drugs. I had no luck with drugs, man. One time me and three friends dropped acid and drove around in my dad's car. He has one of those talking cars, we're tripping, and the car goes, ‘The door is ajar.’ 

We pulled over and thought about that for 12 hours. ‘How can a door be a jar?’ … ‘Why would they put a jar on a car?’... ‘Oh man, the freeway's melting!’... ‘Put it in the jar.’ This went on for hours. We got pulled over tripping. There's a dream come true. I'll match that to any drunk story you go. Pulled over tripping… The cop is tapping on this window. We're staring at him in this mirror over here. ‘How tall are you?’”

11 Bill on Political Parties

“There's a new party being born: The People Who Hate People Party. People who hate people, come together! ‘No!’ 

We're kind of having trouble getting off the boards, you know. ‘Come to our meeting!’ 

‘Are you gonna be there?’ 

‘Yeah.’ 

‘Then I ain't f--king coming.’ 

‘But you're our strongest member!’ 

‘F--k you!’ 

‘That's what I'm talking about, you asshole F--k off!’ 

Damn, we almost had a meeting going. It's so hard to get my people together.”

10 Bill on UFOs

And I'll tell you something, too, that's starting to annoy me about UFOs: the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us, and always end up in places like … Fyffe f--king Alabama. Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean? ‘Don't you wanna go to New York or LA?’

‘Nah, we just had a long trip, we're gonna kick back and whittle some.’ 

Oh my god, they're idiots. ‘We're gonna enter our mothership in the tractor pull!’

The last thing I wanna see is some flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, bumper sticker on it: ‘They'll get my ray gun when they pry my cold, dead, eighteen-fingered hand off it!’”

9 Bill on L.A.

“You'll always meet this one guy out in L.A, you always – this real smarmy guy. He always says this: ‘Yeah, I love calling back east January 1. What are all you doin'? Snowed in, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm out by the pool! Ha ha ha haaa!’ 

What a dick this guy is. It's why I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York: ‘What are y'all doin'? Talking to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm reading a book! Yeah, we're thinkin' back East. Yeah, we're evolving. Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!’

Ha ha ha ha! It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. It's gone. All the shitty shows are gone, all the idiots screaming in the f--kin' wind are dead, I love it. Leaving nothing but a cool, beautiful serenity called… Arizona Bay.”

8 Bill on Evolution

“You ever notice how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? Eyes real close together, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day." Yeah, looks like He rushed it.”

7 Bill On Marijuana Legalization

“The problem with the war on drugs is they lump all drugs together, you know what I mean? Pot and crack? They're not the same. Not only do I think pot should be legalized, I think it should be mandatory Think about it, you get in  traffic behind somebody ... ‘Shut up and smoke that! It's the law!’

‘Oh sorry, I was taking life seriously. Oh sh*t, I'm sorry about all that noise, I thought it mattered. Who's hungry?’ 

That'd be a nice world, wouldn't it? Mellow, hungry, f–ked up people everywhere… Domino's pizza trucks passing each other on every highway.”

6 Bill on Media Bias

“Wouldn't you like to see a positive LSD story on the news, to hear what it's all about. Perhaps it wouldn't that be interesting, but just once, ‘Today, a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the weather.”

5 Bill on Great Men in History

“I gotta tell you about the world that I see. It's sad sometimes. Do you ever realize that we live in a world where good men are murdered, while mediocre hacks thrive? Have you ever noticed that? John Kennedy, murdered. Gandhi, murdered. Martin Luther King, murdered. Jesus, murdered. Reagan, wounded.”

4 Bill on his Father

“I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ 

I'd say, ‘Yeah? When?’”

3 Bill on Australian Easter

“I was in Australia over Easter which, interesting to note, they celebrate Easter the same way we do: Commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by telling our children a giant bunny rabbit left chocolate eggs in the night. I wonder why we're messed up as a race. Anybody got any clues? I've read the Bible. I can't find the word bunny or chocolate anywhere in the book. Why those two things? Why not, you know, goldfish left Lincoln Logs in your sock drawer? If we’re just making stuff up, go hog-wild!  

But I think it's interesting to note how people act on religious beliefs. A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks? Nice sentiment, but you think when Jesus comes back he's really gonna want to look at a cross? Wow, that may be why he hadn't shown up yet. He’s going, ‘Man, they're still wearing crosses. Dad, I'm not going. No, they totally missed the point. I'm not going. Forget it, I'll go back as a bunny.”

2 Bill on Anti-Smoking PSAs

“Anyone remember when Yul Brenner died, and came out with that commercial after he was dead? You remember that? ‘I'm Yul Brynner and I'm dead now…’ 

F–k, what’s this guy selling? ‘I'm Yul Brenner and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes.’ Pretty scary, but they could have done that with anybody, man. There was a guy in the States, this guy Jim Fixx? He was a health nut, runner, jogger, wrote books about jogging, had a heart attack while jogging and died. They should have done that commercial with that guy ‘I'm Jim Fixx and I am dead now… And I don't know what the f–k happened. I jogged everyday, ate nothing but tofu, I'm dead. Yul Brynner, smoked, drank, and got laid every night of his life he's dead… Sh*t.”

1 Bill’s Response to Denis Leary Ripping Off That Previous Bit for His No Cure For Cancer Album

“I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.”