Since the pandemic, our awareness of the passage of time has become irreversibly torn. With that in mind, it’s completely understandable if the great holiday of Halloween has snuck up on you, and left you wanting for a costume for that big party that’s now only days away. For example, me and my beautiful wife, though we’ve only grown apart in recent years, are still throwing our traditional annual Hallow’s Eve bash. I think it’s a safe assumption that some of our guests may have made the very same blunder! Perhaps even the five men who are coming to our Halloween party, who I have discovered are all having sex with my wife. Of course, I would prefer they not attend, but to call them out before they arrive would cause a massive stir, and I hate confrontation.

With that in mind, here are some last-minute costume ideas for the five men who are frequently and only somewhat covertly having sex with my wife.

Ricky - Jason (Stranger Things)

Netflix

Ricky is my wife’s personal trainer, and possesses those classic, All-American good looks I was not so lucky as to be blessed with. I know for a fact, from looking through his social media, that he used to play football in high school, so chances are he still has that old letterman jacket kicking around. With all that in mind, he’s basically pre-loaded to portray the jocky antagonist of the latest season of Stranger Things! He just needs an improvised weapon and some 80s Reeboks, and costume complete.

Laszlo - Argyle (Stranger Things)

Netflix

Though my wife has told me she quit smoking marijuana (I’m allergic to the smell and the chemical they use to make rolling papers sticky) I have recently found that to be only one of the many lies she has told me. She purchases her marijuana from a amiable fellow named Laszlo who lives in a college dorm house on our block, and, I have confirmed via binoculars, also has regular and thorough sex with him. With his natural demeanor and long, luxurious hippie hair, he’s a dead ringer for the fan-favorite stoner Arygle, from Netflix’s Stranger Things series. One quick trip to a vintage store for some wild patterns, and his costume will be ready to go!

Julian - Steve Harrington (Stranger Things)

Netflix

As far as the group of men who are frequently having sex with my wife, Julian is undeniably the bad boy of the bunch. Perhaps that’s what drew her to him, as I am a stalwart rule-follower (I cry when I jaywalk). So what better costume for him to throw on than that of the resident rogue of Netflix’ horror series, Stranger Things, Steve Harrington? He could go for more of a season one Steve outfit, or choose the iconic Scoops Ahoy outfit from the later seasons. Whichever he chooses, I’m sure his quick wit and rakish energy will do just as well to make a convincing Steve as it did romancing my wife of 22 years. 

Hutch - Hopper (Stranger Things)

Netflix

For as long as we’ve lived at our current house, Hutch has been delivering our UPS packages. For upwards of 8 months now, he has also been delivering his penis to my wife. He does have an undeniably fatherly energy, perhaps one that capitalized on my wife’s own difficult relationship with her distant father. But even more conveniently, he already owns a brown UPS shirt which he wears for work, which I found draped over my living room couch when returning home from work early due to poor performance (distracted, thinking about my wife getting railed). That shirt could be easily converted into a sheriff’s uniform with one well-placed fake badge. He’d also get to wear a cowboy hat, which seems like a good time. I have always wanted to wear one, but I have an abnormally cone-shaped head, which makes any hat teeter on the top of it like a carnival tilt-a-whirl.

Fred - Will Byers (Stranger Things)

Netflix

Fred has been my best friend since we were 6 years old, and in a twist that’s either ironic or maybe just hurtful, was actually the best man at my wedding. Whatever our past entails, the present entails him ravaging my wife during my weekly therapy sessions. He doesn’t look very much like Will Byers, but the complicated emotional turmoil our friendship currently contains greatly reminds me of the strained relationship between Will and Mike Wheeler in Netflix’ smash hit, Stranger Things. I think if he got a bowl cut, the haunting behind his eyes would complete the look.

Now, you may be saying to yourself, “I am fairly sure that every single costume you just recommended is a character from the Duffer Brothers’ throwback supernatural streaming series, Stranger Things. You would be correct. It is my favorite show, and one of the only things that has been able to take my mind off the loose, creaking posts of our marital bed, which my wife has been getting pounded on by everyone but me so frequently that I had to bring in a carpenter to repair the joints. I also suspect that she may have had sex with this carpenter but I have not been able to confirm. Anyway, I think that if our party let me pretend that I was in my favorite Netflix series, it would hurt a little less when my wife inevitably sends me to the CVS for more trick-or-treat candy in order to create an opportunity to once again, have wild, animalistic sex with 1-5 of these men.

BONUS: My Beautiful Wife - Vecna (Stranger Things)

Netflix

Because I am living in a nightmare.

Top Image: Pexels/Pexels

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