The recent release of Confess, Fletch, starring Jon Hamm as Fletch has us really excited. Hamm's a great actor and Fletch is a fun character who could've had a whole film franchise, so we're glad Hollywood's trying again. Since we live in an era of endless reboots and love nothing more than saying “but what about this” to people who make movies, here are some stories we'd love to see retold:

First Blood

John Rambo

Wikimedia Commons: Yoni S. Hamenahem

It is an indisputable fact that the United States of America treats its military veterans terribly. Our greatest example of this showing up in pop culture, John Rambo, got one serious movie before becoming a history-rewriting cartoon character. After the ravages of the Afghanistan and Iraq wars—frivolous excursions in the service of capitalism that did not warrant the human cost, much like the Vietnam War—maybe it's time for Rambo to get a 21st century upgrade. Not The Punisher, though. He needs a break.

The Big Sleep

Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall

Wikimedia Commons: National Motion Picture Council

If we're going to make new movies about cool literary characters like Fletch or Benoit Blanc, then we're long overdue for a new Philip Marlowe. Raymond Chandler's private dick should be living in cinema as an American answer to James Bond. Bogart is of course the definitive example, and we love what Joel and Ethan Coen did with the character. Chandler wrote more than just that one book, Hollywood!

The Creature From The Black Lagoon

Still from The Creature From The Black Lagoon

Wikimedia Commons: Florida Memory

With Florida actively sinking before our eyes and the Amazon rainforest under threat from COVID-lover Jair Bolsonaro, it's kind of puzzling that swamp/lagoon monsters haven't gotten a resurgence in horror films. Especially since these monsters often remind us of the mystery and beauty of Earth beyond human understanding. If the folks at A24 are reading, get at us. 

Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

Wikimedia Commons: Abhijit Shylanath

If Lord Of The Rings can get the Prestige TV treatment barely two decades after a definitive film adaptation, so can this far superior work of British speculative fiction. If Martin Freeman, Zooey Deschanel, Mos Def, and Sam Rockwell are down to reprise their 2005 roles for six seasons and a movie to ensure we cover all five books in the trilogy, we're down to watch them. 

To Have And Have Not

Lauren Bacall, Marcel Dalio, and Humphrey Bogart

Wikimedia Commons: Time, Inc.; Warner Bros. 

Half of this movie is the insane sexual chemistry of its two leads for-realsies falling in love. We're not re-creating that. It's impossible. HOWEVER! The basic story of a freelance contractor getting screwed out of a payday by a rich guy, then trying to remain neutral in the face of fascism, but ultimately forced to act—you're telling us that doesn't have an audience in the 21st century? 

Ancient Egypt/Old Testament Epics (But With Middle Eastern Actors This Time)

Ridley Scott

Wikimedia Commons: Gage Skidmore

Not this time, buddy

The genre name “Sword and Sandal” should sell itself. Understand: The Bible, as a narrative text, is nuts. Let Brad Neely tell you about Lot's wife if you don't believe us. And honestly, how different is YHWH and Baal squabbling from Poseidon bullying Odysseus? They tried to give us cool Sword and Sandal epics recently, but Ridley Scott is afraid of brown people, and the results were boring.

Lords of Dogtown

Lords of Dogtown

Columbia Pictures

First of all, give us more skateboard movies. Second, give us a movie exploring the generation raised on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2. Like Tony Hawk said, the Dogtown generation is now Skate Dads. Give us a movie about the scenes that Nyjah Huston, Leticia Bufoni, and Aori Nishimura grew up in. 

Chris Corlew went and played Tony Hawk after writing this. Find him on Twitter.

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