With Jupiter Passing So Close To Earth, It's Time To Attack

This week there was big news for fans of the solar system. As any spaceologist worth their salt knows, the planets in our solar system are constantly revolving around our glorious Sun, albeit at different rates. With those differing speeds, the current distance between our planets can land within a huge variance. This is an opportunity for nerds everywhere to set up their little telescopes and observe the hypnotic patterns of these glorious spheres, but it also offers up another very important opportunity: the opportunity to blow up Jupiter, and harvest its precious gas.

This week, the planet Jupiter is closer to Earth than it’s been in 59 years, scooting by at a mere 367 million miles away. Jupiter is known as a gas giant. Scientific terms like this can be intimidating, but I’ll do my best to simplify it into plain English: it means Jupiter is both giant and made primarily out of gas. The word “gas” itself is a hot bit of vocabulary these days, and one that might make your wallet sweat at its mere mention. This, of course, is due to high global gas prices caused by supply chain issues and the ongoing conflict in Ukraine. With that in mind, it would be irresponsible to let a cash cow like Jupiter float by without capitalizing on the payday the solar system is handing us.

Now, I’ve experienced some pushback on this idea, mostly from people who have tried to explain to me that there is more than one type of gas. This is classic academic horse dookie, and makes no sense. There’s only one gas I know, and THAT gas is actually a liquid, so these dumb-dumbs don’t know what they’re talking about anyways. Pretty quickly, any debate I try to have with these “top scientists” results in them becoming angry at me, which means I win the argument by default. They probably don’t want us to blow up Jupiter because they’re still butthurt about Pluto, which a couple of years ago was downgraded from a planet to a small type of reef or something.

With all the money I pay in taxes to support scientific research and military technology, I think the bare minimum I can ask for is that we both have a bomb capable of blowing Jupiter to smithereens and some sort of 367 million mile long space tube that can suck up all the gas that leaks out and bring it back down here to earth so I can put it in my dirtbike.

As Matt Damon once said in a cryptocurrency (the best kind of currency because it’s really valuable) commercial, fortune favors the brave. If we’re brave enough to blow up Jupiter, it’ll be US receiving that fortune.

Top Image: Public Domain/Pixabay