With the passing of the equinox, it is finally, undeniably, that most beautiful of seasons. Yes, it is finally fall. The leaves are turning, pant leg lengths are growing, and soup is back on the menu, boys. We may have to trade in our beach trips and our pina coladas, but in return we receive: not being covered in a filthy, salty film on every walk that’s more than 2 blocks, and the sun not further developing any melanomas we’ll have to then pay them to scoop out with a medical melon baller. If you’re a young student, you might be bummed that you have to return to your school or college, but the rest of us don’t get 3 months every year to f**k off so you can take your tight skin and painless knees and shove it.

After such a long, arduous summer, though, you might find yourself struggling to adjust quickly to the fall spirit. It’s important to quickly recalibrate so that you can get the most enjoyment out of this wonderful time of year before it almost immediately becomes horrifically cold. It feels like our contributions to the Earth’s atmosphere have basically made both autumn and spring approximately 2 weeks long nowadays, while we seesaw between devastating weather events of varying description, so we have to capitalize.

With that in mind, here are 5 ways to get in the fall spirit, frighteningly fast!

Eat An Entire Pumpkin

Pixabay

Pumpkin Spice Lattes? Pumpkin Pie? Sure, those might be fall delicacies, if you’re a waifish little weakling who’s of extremely weak constitution. For those of us that are strong, and mighty, and not restricted to bed-rest because of the consumption, the taste of fall demands a violent, visceral meal of the entire gourd that defines the season. From flesh to seed to stem, every single bit must be consumed and turned into pure fall power. Utensils are allowed, but frowned upon in favor of furious fingers ripping apart that precious wrinkled orange orb and stuffing your face and stomach with a mess of pulp and seeds. If the fall gods truly smile upon you, perhaps one of the seeds will even take root in your stomach and the gourds will grow within you. Yum!

Become A Stew

Pixabay

Both of these first two tips focus on feeding, but different forms of the verb. Where before you were consuming, in this form, you are the one to take that ancient heroic plunge: that of being consumed. What better way to celebrate the season of hearty home-cooked meals than to climb into a cauldron yourself, stir around your bits with a large wooden spoon, and slowly dissolve into a rib-sticking stew?

Simply heat up your cast-iron cauldron full of water, pull a table full of fall veggies to your side, and climb in. Feel that steaming hot water slowly relax, loosen, and tenderize your muscles while you whistle and work on your mise-en-place. Slice a variety of your vegetables of choice into the water between your legs, sprinkle in a handful of spices that complement your own personal flavor, and slowly become a meal for the village. Not only will you be remembered, but you’ll provide your neighbors with valuable energy for the harvest. PRO TIP: to save your peers some pain, shave yourself completely bald before cooking.

Tired of all that hot, tight, sunburned summer skin? Perhaps you’ve got some patches that are peeling, or a sinful tan that shows how far you’ve strayed from a pious life. Every bit of it, however serious, is just a visual and tactile reminder of the months of hard-beating sun, and now that we’re indoors, we just want to enjoy the soft, un-sun-kissed skin of an indoor kid. So strip off every bit of that icky summer epidermis!

Find a convenient outcropping of shale or a rough tree trunk and go to town. Strip to your skivvies and then past them to full nude, and writhe around until you’ve achieved full, one hundred percent exfoliation. Slither out of your summer skin and land wet on a bed of changing leaves, a new, glorious, child of fall. Then, return to your home, wrap yourself in a chunky cardigan, and kick back in your favorite recliner as a fresh new fall creature.

Light Every Scented Candle At A Target

Pixabay

In the summer, even creating such a small source of heat as lighting a candle wick seems counterintuitive. However, now, Bic’ing the wick of a lovely scented candle is both almost a Zen activity and one that will fill your home with a relaxing, delightful scent. Close your eyes and let your schnoz take you on a sensory journey to a deciduous forest deep in the American Northwest.

The problem is, both in terms of disposable income and in terms of fire code, most people can only light a couple scented candles at most. When we’re trying to mainline fall and ride it straight to the source, that simply won’t cut it. That’s why we have to tuck a long-necked lighter into our flannel jacket and head to the motherlode: a Target. Once you’re there, knock over an apple pie display to cause a ruckus and disrupt the staff’s rotation, and head straight for the candle zone. Light as many of those suckers as you can and throw your nose into overdrive. Did you know you can fully hallucinate off of the scent of fresh pine? You will now.

Watch Hocus Pocus

Walt Disney Pictures

It’s spooky season! Time to pop on Hocus Pocus, the witch movie! Remember Hocus Pocus?! It was a Disney movie! My parents remained together at the time and as such it has a deep emotional hold over me! For 96 blissful minutes, I don’t have to think about my regrets and failures! Take me with you, witches!

Top Image: Pexels/Pixabay

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