Cracked Investigates Which Movie Villains Are Still Virgins
It’s officially fall and Halloween is just over a month away, so there’s really no better time to … awkwardly scrutinize the hypothetical sexual histories of our favorite horror movie villains. In a recent interview, Halloween director John Carpenter was questioned about whether or not Michael Myers was still a virgin. Carpenter responded that he doesn’t “think he was able to.” Which makes sense, since it seems unlikely that Smith’s Grove Sanitarium would have allowed many conjugal visits – and it’s not like Michael Myers was getting any action once he escaped … unless people mistook him for the real William Shatner.
So it’s probably a safe bet to say that Myers was never deflowered – but what about other movie monsters? Leatherface, for one, isn’t a virgin (if necrophilia counts), nor is Hannibal Lecter we’re guessing (although this has been the subject of some debate). Chucky is no virgin either, not counting his human days, even in doll form, he’s gotten lucky and actually conceived a child. But Jason Voorhees, on the other hand, very likely was a virgin – after all, ever since the age of 11, he was living in a dilapidated murder shack in the middle of the woods with a sack over his head … which isn’t exactly a swinging bachelor pad full of Lionel Richie 8-tracks.
Of course, there are a lot of thematic reasons for these killers’ sexual inexperience. John Carpenter claimed that Michael Myers “got confused between f**kin’ and killing.” And we’ve talked before about how Myers is basically a “walking, killing boner” who strikes teens at their horniest – a premise that was obviously taken to even wackier extremes by Jason in the Friday the 13th movies. And Halloween may have been taking its cues from Psycho, in which Norman Bates disassociates and acts violently when he’s turned on – but despite the fact that virginity is kind of implied by his backstory, the recent Bates Motel TV show included a scene where young Norman has sex. So put Norman Bates in the non-virgin column.
Famously, in both Halloween and the Friday the 13th sequels, the surviving Final Girl is always a virgin herself. According to the book Virgin Territory: Representing Sexual Inexperience in Film, virginity is the “principal way in which the Final Girl and the psycho killer are presented in parallel to one another.” While some read this as conservative moralizing on the part of horror filmmakers, arguably, “her sexual hesitance and lack of experience become his ‘psychosexual fury.’” In other words, the real monster is not getting it on.
You (yes, you) should follow JM on Twitter!
Thumbnail: Universal Pictures
