Grab your best friends and shove your faces as close to the computer screen as possible to soak up every ounce of these next 15 Jokes for the Comedy Hall of Fame. (Cracked is not responsible for any resulting eye damage.)

John Caparulo

John Caparulo

Comedy Central

“'You need to come deer hunting! It’s a man’s sport!' I just think in order to be called a sport both teams need to know there’s a game going on."

Brian Regan

Brian Regan

Comedy Central

“I’m lookin’ at the Pop-Tarts box and I notice they have directions on there. I give up on this species… They have toaster directions, which, I’m not makin’ this up, the toaster directions are longer than one step. I don’t know how that’s possible that the directions are longer than one. You think it would be, ‘Step one: Toast the Pop-Tarts. Go ahead, toast ‘em. It’s okay. Hey, are you still readin’ this?’”

Ari Shaffir

​​”Nothing wrong with adoption. With adoption, you can shop before you buy. That’s just smart, no? Huh? Let’s say I had a biological kid. You had a biological kid. And let’s say for argument’s sake that he came out with big f***ing buck teeth. Like two times the size of regular… Like Bugs Bunny ass giant buck teeth. You know, that’s not a deal breaker. Nobody in the world is gonna be like, ‘I don’t want to do this anymore.’ You’d have to be a monster. At the same time, nobody dreams about it. Nobody’s like, ‘When I have a kid, I’ll teach him how to eat pizza from the ground up to get around those.’”

Tig Notaro

Tig Notaro

Comedy Central

“I was at a party and this guy was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was ‘If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?’ And I was like, ‘Anywhere?’ And he was like, ‘Anywhere.’ And I was like, ‘To the other side of the room… Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.’”

Michael Che

Michael Che

Netflix

On helping a homeless man:

“He’s a human being, so I gave him $20. And he was happy to get it. First, he was confused. He was like, ‘Are you sure?’ I was like, ‘Of course I’m sure. You’re a human being. You deserve this.’ He said, ‘God bless you, brother.’ I was like, ‘Hey, it’s the least I could do.’ He was like, ‘Can I get a hug?’ and I was like, ‘No.’ I said, ‘I’ll shake your hand.’ He shook my hand and it was soaking wet. -I was furious. I wanted to hit him but I was afraid to make a fist. I didn’t wanna activate whatever liquid was on my hand. I just stared at it. I was like, ‘Please don’t dry sticky.’”

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