‘Harry Potter’s Death Eaters Continue To Be Lame As Hell

With the air ever-so-slightly chillier, and baffling pumpkin spice products beginning to clog the marketplace, we are now officially in the midst of spooky season – and there is no greater sign of this than the opening of Universal Studios’ Halloween Horror Nights, the annual scarefest featuring attractions based on popular scary movies (and once, weirdly, some Marvel comics).

This year, for the first time, the event will open up the Wizarding World of Harry Potter area of Universal Studios. What’s scary about that, you might ask? Are they going to hire a bunch of teenagers to run around the park dressed as J.K. Rowling armed with a laptop? No, it reportedly features Death Eaters, the “group of Voldemort’s most devoted followers” who will “roam Hogsmeade village looking to recruit guests to the Dark Lord’s cause.” Spooky right? 

Yeah … no. Sorry, but Death Eaters just flat-out aren’t scary; judging from videos from this year’s event, it’s just a bunch of dudes in cloaks and masks aimlessly wandering the (fake) streets like a horde of wieners who just got rejected from an Eyes Wide Shut orgy. In other parts of the same park, you get chased by a butcher knife-wielding Michael Myers – here, you get low-key creeped on by a bunch of porn parody Doctor Dooms. 

Even in the context of the Harry Potter stories, Death Eaters are lame and hilariously incompetent – like the time they were handily defeated by a group of kids as if they were the goddamn Wet Bandits.

And as others have pointed out, those masks are essentially pointless since wizards own distinctly unique wands, and some folks can easily access magical maps that promptly IDs literally anyone. Not to mention that, once Voldemort dies, they all just kind of give up? Man, the Death Eaters are the least-terrifying Halloween Horror Nights attraction since Bill and Ted’s Not-at-all-Excellent, Super-Homphobic Adventure.

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Thumbnail: Warner Bros.