If Actual Trolls Were Internet Trolls
Enigmatic beings that lurk in the dark places of the world. What do they want? Why do they do what they do? How to make them stop? We don’t have those answers. But we do have a 1:1 comparison of mythical trolls and their real world trolling counterparts.
Tom, Bert, and William from ‘The Hobbit’ = The Eternal Arguers
Theoretically, we could be having productive discussions on the internet. We could be listening and responding with open minds. We could be vibrantly exchanging thoughts and ideas. But then these guys come along and take over the comments section. They will continue to argue long after anyone cares. Sadly these bad actors never go outside, so we’re not sure if the sun turns them to stone or not.
Nordic Folk Trolls = Sh*t Posters
Wikipedia sums up Nordic trolls as beings who “dwell in isolated areas of rocks, mountains, or caves, live together in small family units, and are rarely helpful to human beings”. That sounds about right. Sh*t posters probably live in a dark apartment, maybe one or two roommates, and live to cause chaos.
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Bridge Trolls = Gatekeepers
This one’s too easy. You want to pass? You better know your Transformers lore or you’re a fake fan. You thought you were going on Reddit to gleefully chat about how you liked the latest Marvel movie, but these trolls will let you know that you can’t have an opinion because you haven’t read every single comic issue since the 1960’s.
Troll Doll = Instagram “Hi” Guys
He just wants to say hi. He seems friendly at first. Innocuous. These trolls live by a code: like only pictures with cleavage. Open only with the line “Hi, can I say that you’re beautiful?” And most importantly of all, when a total stranger who probably doesn’t even live in their state says “No, I’m not giving you my address”, call them a slut. It’s a simple living and you can do it all without pants and while having an absolutely wild hair situation.