Jurassic Park doesn’t make any goddamn sense. No, we’re not talking about the fantastical cloning technology, the dinosaurs’ wildly inaccurate appearances, or even how a supposed genius wears an outfit comprised entirely of black leather to a sweltering tropical island. No, the craziest part of Jurassic Park is that nobody knew about Jurassic Park.

In retrospect, it’s absolutely bewildering that news of Jurassic Park, a scientifically-revolutionary theme park of the future built by a world-famous tycoon, never leaked. Really no journalists noticed that John Hammond leased an entire island from the Costa Rican government? 

We’re not just talking about a small group of insiders or a handful of private contractors bound by NDAs and sworn to secrecy, there were a staggering amount of people privy to the secrets of Jurassic Park well before it opened who, amazingly, never blabbed. Take Alejandro, the park’s gourmet chef, who Hammond brags about. He’s suddenly uprooted and moved to a remote island, and no one knows why? If Wolfgang Puck randomly absconded to Central America, you’d think people would take interest.

Then there are the various construction crews and scientists working there, not to mention various paleontologists. The palaeontological community can’t be that big; you’d think that if a significant portion of people working in that field mysteriously disappeared at the same time, people would be talking about it. How did Alan Grant not hear rumors of Jurassic Park at a conference or something? Hell, someone produced an entire animated film for the park; that means animators, editors, sound technicians, and voice-over artists who now all know about Hammond’s dinosaur clones.

And the gift shop is filled with lunchboxes and stuffed toys – there’s even a “Making of Jurassic Park” book for sale. Did John Hammond have two authors and the staff of an entire publishing house whacked? 

The park’s brochure was laid out by a graphic design team and highlights a tie-in deal with Kodak, all of whom somehow kept their mouths shut. 

Presumably, Hammond had the park’s logo trademarked too, which apparently caught no one’s attention? Sadly this has now tainted our enjoyment of a franchise with otherwise unimpeachable, airtight logic. 

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Top Image: Universal Pictures

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