Mommy and Daddy don’t know sh*t. Those boomer idiots barely know what a USB stick is, so we shouldn’t really be listening to them for advice. Do you want someone who can’t use Expedia properly telling you how to live your one, precious life? Absolutely not. We live in a blazing fast, high tech, 5G world. And we need guidance from someone who understands that. That someone is video games. 

Video games are my parents now

 

The times are moving so fast that we can’t ask our parents for advice on the big life questions anymore. So we must turn to the only source of knowledge we have: video games. Games will teach me all my important life skills now. My parents have the barest idea what my day to day looks like. Yes it mostly involves me, gremlin-like, hovering over a keyboard. But parents have gotten so out of touch that it’s simply not practical to rely on their experiences as being relevant to my own. And so, I turn to games to fulfill what would have traditionally been their role in my adult life. 

Borrowing money

 

The Dust

TFW you ask your parents for money because your dealer ripped you off.

Hey uh, mom? I spent all my money on drugs rent this week and I need $70. A common occurrence among those still without fiber optic families, $70 goes a lot farther when you’re just inside playing video games. Say no to that bachelorette party, hell, go ahead and skip Grampy’s funeral. Plane tickets are expensive. 70$ is hundreds hours worth of content. If that $70 is spent on Sid Meyer’s Civilization VI or Total War: Warhammers 1, 2, or 3 those hundreds go into the thousands. That’s bang for your buck that a family gathering with the folks could never get you. 

Spending the holidays

 

Blizzard

This is your family now.

Ohhhh no. I don’t need another blowout because “Katherine got too close to the fireplace.” No family at the holidays. That’s the rule for a happy home. Sure you may wake up feeling a bit blue when you see that all Saint Nick left you was a half drunk 12 pack of Golden Monkey and two empty prosecco bottles, but then you slide into the easy, peaceful comfort of your battlestation and start a dwarf paladin on Wow Classic and it’s a happy hanukkah for everybody.

Life questions like: Should I accept a job or keep looking?

 

Bethesda

Khajiit has insurance if you have 12 hours to sit on the phone waiting for a customer service rep.

Parents will tell you to consider all your options, find something you love to do and pursue it, you’ll work your way up. And in 40 years, you’ll be able to cash in on that company's pension and retire and everyone will throw you a big party. 

Bam. ‘Should I accept a job or keep looking?’ is a trick question. When a job pops up, you have to take it, so you can have healthcare… Tricked again. You’re a freelancer, you’ll never have company healthcare, good luck on the marketplace. And god-of-war-damn do I know how to navigate marketplaces, all thanks to video games. Like a Kajit at port I can slink into any healthcare marketplace and navigate the predatory insurance companies that would send me on meaningless sidequests for hundreds of thousands of dollars. No, these guys don’t take rupees. But thanks to video games where I spend hundreds of hours fighting my way through poorly designed inventory menus, I am adept at fighting through the BS bureaucracy of every government and private insurance site.

And: How to raise kids of your own.

Sony

His dad can DEFINITELY beat up your dad.

Kids are soft these days, they have it so easy lounging around in their extra hot planet and their spicy doritos. With their perfectly functional recycling systems and safe schools. Is what out of touch parents would say! My parents have definitely never killed god, but you know who has? Kratos. Now that’s someone you can go to for life advice and parenting tips. With games like God of War and The Last of Us, having kids seems like a really emotional journey and I’ll rely on these strong and crafty heroes to tell me what’s up. Or you can go the Assassin’s Creed Odyssey route and toss ‘em a spear and get to training. 

Traveling

 

Niantic

Catch a Combee instead of arguing about where to have brunch.

Video games taught me to spot the quest markers from a thousand miles away. Pokemon Go guides me to the largest landmarks and off-the-beaten path locales. Parents can stumble around with a printed out MapQuest page but they’re not out there catching Bidoofs and Drifloons while doing it. Parents don’t know where sh*t is in a new city, but Pokemon Go does.

Clearly, video games are the superior parents. They’ll never kick me out of the house, they’ll never ask me to pay rent. Heck they like it when I hang out on the couch all day.                                        

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