Twitter user @TanookiKuribo thought that they had a mystery on their hands when they noticed a store in their neighborhood that was perpetually closed. No matter what day, what time, the metal gate was shuttered fast, preventing both entry and inspection. I can only imagine the speed with which his eyebrows rocketed upwards when, passing the mysterious storefront, the metal gate that had held its secrets captive for so long was hoisted to waist height. I’m sure his gait quickened, the soles of his shoes catching on the New York pavement to bring him forward to the resolution of this enigma. But when he arrived, and ducked his head, the catharsis he sought did not greet him. Only more mystery.

Because the storefront in question was filled with nothing but dust, and a deeply, truly, unsettling bordering on ungodly amount of Hellman’s mayonnaise.

Storefront full of mayonnaise

Twitter

Since posting a picture of the store in question, Twitter has been theorizing about why this exists. Here are my top three personal theories:

SOMEONE ATTEMPTING TO MANIPULATE MAYONNAISE PRICES

Seeing the country squeezed by inflation across all sorts of consumer products, a particularly calculating individual has started stockpiling mayonnaise. Because of its ubiquity, mayonnaise is an essential resource linked to the sandwich market. This crafty investor is waiting for inflation and scarcity to hit its peak, when the mayonnaise trove will be unloaded at top dollar.

STOCK FOR SUPREME X HELLMANN’S DROP

New York streetwear stalwart Supreme is known for its off-the-wall collaborations with everyone from pinball machine manufacturers to, uh, brick manufacturers. I believe Tanooki Joe has stumbled upon the holding location for an as-of-yet unannounced Supreme collaboration with Hellmann’s mayonnaise. It will be released alongside a t-shirt featuring Bob Balaban making a BLT.

MAYONNAISE IS HAUNTED

Known to almost no one, there was an accident at a NYC Hellmann’s distribution center, where an underpaid worker doing illegal overtime hours fell into a vat of mayonnaise and sank into the viscous liquid like quicksand. The body wasn’t found until the next day, after shipments of the mayonnaise in question had already gone out. After a bodega owner opened a jar to make sandwiches for the day, the entire bodega’s lights blew out and the chips began to fly around the room. The bodega was shut down, the incident was covered up and all the mayonnaise in question was collected and stored in the bodega’s previous location.

Top Image: Twitter

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