If there's one thing video games do better than film, that's everything, sure, but especially remakes. Can anyone name even three movie remakes that don't absolutely suck? There's The Fly, ok, The Thing, for sure, and there's, uh, The Hateful Eight – that one's ok, but does it even count since it's actually a remake of the already remade The Thing?! Meanwhile, most video game remakes slap hard (even when made by fans), so we shouldn't feel ashamed (or old) for getting hyped by the recently announced Max Payne remake. Rockstar just blew everyone's minds by announcing that they're not only remaking the original two games in the series, but also the third combining them to create just one new AAA title. That's great because it might follow the successful trail blazed by the Final Fantasy VII Remake where it's a remake and a new thing as well, but there's one elephant in the room: the game's corny-ass writing.

Max confronts mob boss

Remedy

*taken from a Reddit post called “The Dialogue In Max Payne Is Seriously Badass”

Even goggles made from the finest-tier nostalgia glass won't shelter the people who grew up playing the Max Payne series from the pain of having to accept that its writing has always sucked ass. Back when Rockstar released Max Payne 3 in 2012, reviewers quickly shunned the new game as an imitation of film noir, whereas the original two games were totally the real thing. But was that really the case, or did the decade that the reviewers had lived through since the release of the last game in the series open their perspective in regards to what makes a video game narrative good? Because we don't doubt that Max Payne is still heavily replayed to this day, but the thing is that the game is so fun that it's unlikely everyone is bothering to rewatch reread the cutscenes. And it's a shame because they're missing out on some anti-comedy gold.

Max sense of humor isn't that great

Remedy

Max is the Maximum badass

Remedy

He's just like me - every 10 year old ever.

There are three ways Rockstar can go about this. The first one would require toning it the hell down, and it would make fans call it Max Payne 3: Part 2. The second one would require making it less self-serious and more self-aware, which would cause fans to think they're being made fun of. 

Max breaks the 4th wall

Remedy

(though it's probably the best option)

The third would involve using exactly the same dialogue, which would cause fans to learn that their improved taste is actually a curse that prevents them from enjoying awesomely dumb things. Now that's noir.

Top Image: Remedy

 

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