Movies, like real life, are full of violence. But it's the fun kind of violence, full of gizmos whose main job is to look cool. This week, we're taking a close look at those wonderful toys, seeing what makes them so memorable ... and what makes them so ridiculous.

The inscription on Thor's hammer says, "Whosoever holds this hammer, if they be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor," and for decades fans have debated a very important question: what the hell does "whosoever" mean? A quick look in the dictionary reveals that it's a more pretentious way of saying "whoever" -- but who, exactly, could that whoever include? After a careful examination of all the characters in known fiction, we present this DEFINITIVE list of those who are worthy to lift Mjolnir. You know, probably. 

Dominic Toretto ... 's car (The Fast and the Furious)

 

Now, we're not saying that Vin Diesel's character from the Fast and Furious franchise would be worthy to lift Thor's hammer, mainly because Dom started his career by stealing VCR players. As the stern warnings before every '90s home video release taught us, there's no greater sin in all of the Nine Realms than VHS-related crimes. So, no, Dom can't lift the hammer. It would be ridiculous of us to even suggest that. 

But Dom's 1970 Dodge Charger? Hell yeah. It's official canon that machines can lift Mjolnir, hence the Vision being able to smack Ultron with it in Avengers: Age of Ultron (good thing Ultron was a dumbass and didn't realize he could have grabbed it too). 

And if Vision or an elevator can lift the hammer, then what's stopping Dom from getting it strapped to his favorite vehicle and using it as the ultimate NOS boost? Frankly, pimping vintage cars with cosmic power sources is the only place this franchise could go to next. Also, consider that Dom's Charger has been killed and brought back to life at least four times (we're assuming it happens every other week off-camera) and looked like a tank the last time we saw it -- this car is practically a superhero already. On second thought, we're not sure why Dom would even need to strap a magic hammer to it. 

Ted Lasso (Ted Lasso)

 

Mr. Rogers, Bob Ross, and Steve Irwin are popular answers to the "Who can lift Thor's hammer?" question because of how gosh dang nice they were, but most people miss that, in order to be worthy, you also need to be a warrior with a killer instinct -- Odin wouldn't bestow powers upon no pansy-ass pacifist. Ted Lasso from Ted Lasso qualifies because, on top of being the kindest man in the world, you can tell that there's a beast lurking within him. After all, he coaches soccer, a brutal sport that often ends with audiences splattered with the guts of traumatized players. (Viewer discretion is advised for the clip below.) 

Additionally, Ted Lasso's last name is Lasso, like Wonder Woman's lasso of truth, and Wonder Woman is one of the few non-Marvel characters who can canonically lift Thor's hammer, as established in 1996's DC vs. Marvel crossover and re-confirmed in a 2019 Thor comic. This was the Ted Lasso writers' clever way of letting us know that Ted Lasso is definitely worthy and that, like Wonder Woman, he has definitely snapped a man's neck with his bare hands in the past. Look into Ted Lasso's black eyes. Those are eyes that know death. 

Jason Sudeikis as Ted Lasso.

Warner Bros. Television Distribution

But beware, for the abyss stares back. 

Son Goku (Dragon Ball)

 

Goku is another absolute sweetheart who enjoys beating the crap out of people, perhaps a little too much. But, for the sake of argument, let's say he's not worthy -- like, maybe Odin takes issue with Goku frequently neglecting his family or willingly endangering his friends/entire universes because he likes fighting so damn much. Even then, he could still lift the hammer. It would go like this: 

-- Goku encounters Thor's hammer and fails to lift it, but keeps trying until his body literally explodes from the effort. 

-- Dead Goku spends a year training in "another dimension" until his strength (which was supposedly at its absolute limit from the last time he did this) reaches its absolute absolute limit, for real this time. 

-- Goku comes back to life, grabs the hammer, and pushes himself so hard trying to lift it that he unlocks a new Super Saiyan level, allowing him to break all laws of the universe and lift the un-lift-able, even if means also lifting an entire continent along with it. 

Image of Goku from Dragon Ball Z in various Super Saiyan levels.

Toei Animation

That, or Odin just lets him do it because he's blond and blue-eyed now. 

The entire Dragon Ball franchise is built around Goku running into impossible challenges and punching things until they're no longer impossible. If it comes down to Goku vs. Odin, we fear for the entire Norse pantheon. 

Paddington Bear (Paddington)

 

"Paddington could lift the hammer" has become a meme by now, but that doesn't make it any less true. Paddington is an endless well of positivity shaped like a miniature bear. He brings out the best in everyone, from hardened prison inmates to the real-life Hugh Grant, who correctly called Paddington 2 his best film ever. And yet, he's also a wild animal who is always two seconds away from eating your face. 

Paddington is also ... not particularly smart, but that's actually a major plus in his case. His simple mind is his greatest weapon. Paddington could lift the hammer because he simply doesn't know he shouldn't be able to do it. Yes, Paddington is basically a furrier Forrest Gump. Who, while we're at it, could also lift the hammer. 

Mario "Super Mario" Mario (Super Mario Bros.)

 

Mario has a long history with hammers: his first video game was about him using a hammer to destroy the barrels thrown by a depraved, girlfriend-snatching gorilla (who would chill considerably upon learning to wear a necktie). Mario swung those hammers so hard that they would turn to dust in his hands after like 10 seconds of use. 

Since then, Mario has spent decades fighting evil with only kisses on the forehead and baked goods as reward. Mario, who was once described by his creator as "a middle-aged man with a strong sense of justice who is not handsome" (kind of a gratuitous dig at his appearance there, but okay), deserves an upgraded weapon that is up to his standards. One that he won't just end up tossing away like all the pathetic little hammers that come with his Hammer Bro. suit

Mario from Super Mario Bros. throwing hammers in Hammer Suit.

Nintendo

They got the wrong Chris to voice him -- should have been Hemsworth, with his exact Thor voice. 

So the question here isn't whether Mario is worthy of Mjolnir -- it's whether Mjolnir is worthy of Mario. Let's be honest, Mario would probably use it for a level or two and then go back to his trusty Fire Flower, much like he does with his frog suit. Speaking of which ... 

Kermit the Frog (The Muppet Show)

 

Duh. He wouldn't be the first frog to do it

Thor Frog character from Marvel's Thor comics.

Marvel Comics

Turns out the "rainbow connection" was a cosmic bridge. 

Are we talking about Kermit the character or Kermit as in Jim Henson's hand? Yes. 

Ringo Starr (The Beatles: Get Back)

 

Ringo is a Marvel Comics character, but he has yet to be adapted into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, so he qualifies for this list. The Beatles: Get Back (which we're 90% sure is not set in the MCU) revealed that Ringo is a goddamn saint. Amid George Harrison's griping, Paul McCartney's insufferable perfectionism, and John Lennon's ... being John Lennon, Ringo just sat there, preventing the others from killing each other with his mere presence. He was able to lighten the mood without making a single sound. Except for the occasional fart. 

Ringo is now 81 and must be protected at all costs ... and what better way to do that than to grant him a powerful weapon that would turn him blond, muscular, and immortal? It helps that he has experience with hammers, having heroically performed at least some of the hammering sounds in "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" despite calling it the worst song the Beatles ever did -- further evidence that he had the kindest soul in the band. Plus, there's a chance Odin's magic might increase his drumming talents a thousandfold and make him almost as good as Pete Best

This list has turned out to be kind of a sausage fest, so let's balance that out with ... 

All Of The My Little Ponies (My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic)

 

The goodness of the ponies in My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic is so powerful that it transcends their universe -- there's even evidence of these characters escaping into our realm and going above and beyond to make some lonely humans feel loved (often in the shape of pillows, for some reason). That alone makes everypony in this show worthy, and we know that Odin would have no objection to equines from other planets wielding the hammer because, in the comics, the first character to permanently gain the powers of Thor was a space horse called Beta Ray Bill.  

But we know what you're thinking: "Everypony, Cracked? Even the evil Nightmare Moon, the corrupted form of Princess Luna, sister of Celestia and co-ruler of Equestria?" Yes, even her, because Nightmare Moon's powers include lunar manipulation, and Mjolnir, being made of out of moon rock, is susceptible to such abilities. If you have a problem with this logic, take it up with Marvel, because they recently used that exact explanation for why a super-charged Moon Knight was able to beat Thor with his own hammer

Moon Knight fighting Thor in Avengers comic.

Marvel Comics

Moon Knight fighting Thor in Avengers comic.

Marvel Comics

Picture this scene, but with like 50 cute horsies. 

Yes, we also hate how much sense this entry ended up making. 

Follow Maxwell Yezpitelok's heroic effort to read and comment on every '90s Superman comic at Superman86to99.tumblr.com. 

Top image: StudioCanal, Marvel Studios

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