11 Annoying Christmas Songs In Need Of A Snowy Exile
There's something uniquely bad about a bad Christmas song. It's like it's one of the rare things that we, as humans, can all agree on. When we hear particularly grating, saccharine, or just plain awful Christmas music, it hits us in our bones. Penetrates our soul. And leaves us wanting to jam a candy cane down Santa's dickhole for putting us through it to begin with. And yet, despite this, people keep trying.
Even though there is already a perfectly good crop of about 10-15 Christmas songs that do kick actual ass, musicians can't resist the allure to put their own spin on the season. And by their own spin, I'm typically talking about them doing the musical equivalent of decorating the Christmas tree with ornaments that are just mummified cat turds from the litter box and wrapping it in barbed wire. Some Christmas songs need to be taken up to the North Pole and buried under the snow forever ...
NewSong - "The Christmas Shoes"
Let's start with what has to be, for my money, the most horrific Christmas song of all time. If you're not familiar, the song deals with a poor kid trying to find the money to buy his terminally ill mom a pair of crappy shoes for Christmas. Seriously. What a little piece of garbage this kid is. "Oh, damn, this is going to be my mom's last Christmas. What should I get her for her last trip around this sun before she dies an anguishing, lonely, horrible death? I don't know; I'm a piece of trash little kid. I'll head down to Marshall's and grab her dying ass some Heelies or whatever."
Everything about this song is pure butt. From the lyrics to the cheesedick singing it. What kind of garbage is this kid going to try to pout his way into next Christmas when his dad's got ass cancer? I guess I'll just have to wait and see until "The Christmas Nosehair/Eyebrow Trimmer Combo" comes out and if that one actually moves me as intended.
Bruce Springsteen - "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"
Springsteen already performs songs like he's doing some kind of cosplay of an actual hardworking, blue-collar everyman. Now take that character and water it down even more into a groaning, forced Christmas cover, and you've got his take on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town."
It opens with Bruce talking about Main Street and generally acting like an alien that crash-landed in a mining town and has learned how to assimilate just enough to blend in, but to the trained eye, you know it's all a goddamn act. From there, it's just the boilerplate Christmas song but sung by someone who appears to be in that constant mid-grunt final thrust of a constipated, super log dump. By the end, Bruce manages to push out a Christmas-themed crap the size of a Chipotle burrito, scoop it out of the toilet, put a Santa hat on it, and throw it into all of our goddamn faces.
John Denver - "Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas)"
Nothing says the holidays like begging your dad not to be a dumpster fire for just one day of the year. That's exactly what John Denver's take on Christmas is about, with a bad dad who can't help himself from going out on Christmas and getting loaded and making his mom upset. But the problem with this song, to me, is that it lacks context.
Can you tell us WHY dad's getting so loaded every Christmas, John? You don't get into it in the song, and I feel like I can't fully roll with you on this one until I know why. Maybe it has something to do with having this little wiener kid in his house who writes a weirdo fake country song putting him on blast for every mistake he makes. After hearing you in your room belting out "Daddy Clogged (The Toilet Again With His Monster Dumps)" and "I Saw Daddy (Crying In His Car Before Working Up the Energy To Walk In The Front Door)," he probably needs to go out and buttchug grain alcohol on Christmas just to get a break from your narc ass.
Bon Jovi - "Back Door Santa"
Listen, I'm not here to tell you how to live your life. But if you have Bon Jovi on in your home's Christmas music rotation, you both absolutely goddamn rule and are the goddamn worst.
This song sounds like what a drunken mall Santa looks like. This song is played around Christmas trees that have wilted by December 5th because of all of the indoor cigarette smoke being blown at them in the living room. Spinning up Bon Jovi on Christmas is a purely chaotic energy that you almost have to respect.
Lady Gaga - "Christmas Tree"
It's not just older artists that have completely butchered Christmas; newer ones love to get in on the act as well. If you've never heard this one, I'm begging you, don't. It sounds like Santa did coke and ended up going down the wrong chimney, which was actually just the front door to some garbage LA producer's studio, hit record, plopped his Santa balls on all of the equipment, dragged them around, farted into a microphone, and left.
It's among the laziest efforts on this list, and that's really saying something when just about all of these feel like the artists recorded these on one of those weird Ambien-induced sleepwalking events where they just blacked out and went through the motions like a zombie and ended up with an entire 10-track Christmas album in their bed the next morning.
Band Aid - "Do They Know It's Christmas?"
What's the best way to make a difference? To help those truly in need? The ones who need us the most? Easy! Slice open a Xenomorph and drip its hot acid blood directly into their ears in the form of horrific music.
The biggest musical stars of the '80s got together to put on this Atom Bomb of disingenuous schlock. The worst part is, you know these megastars cruised back to their mansions after dropping this track thinking, KNOWING, that they did their part. That they made a difference. That they are GREAT people. Their work here is done, the world is healed, and they'll never confront the fact that they left an everlasting stain on Christmas that will exist long after they die and can never be removed.
"The Chipmunk Song"
Irredeemable. Unacceptable. Criminal. Irresponsible. Diabolic. These are just a few words that come to mind when I think about this song and its impact.
By nature, many Christmas songs are just plain annoying. From the tunes themselves to the subject matter, it can be hard to avoid. But to go and put the Chipmunk voices on top of that is like taking the fly that you just can't seem to find and kill in your room, giving it a little fly suit of armor, a fly jetpack for even better mobility, and his own little fly swatter to whack you on the head with and putting it into music form. There is not a single positive thing to say about this song.
Basshunter - “Jingle Bells”
It's not just traditional rock music that gets on the Christmas grift act; electronic garbage dives in, too. That's what we've got here with Basshunter's rendition of "Jingle Bells," and my god, is it even worse than that sounds on paper.
Removing real, live instruments from even the worst Christmas songs and going with some digital dial-up fart removes any ounce of charm that may have once been there. I would truly rather listen to the sound of my old Gateway connecting to AOL for 24 hours straight like I'm being interrogated at Guantanamo Bay than one playthrough of this. The reason I'm being interrogated? Actually, it's pretty justified. They pulled me in for searching for "Basshunter - Jingle Bells" on YouTube and need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
Princess Leia's Life Day song
Take your pick for the worst things from the Star Wars Holiday Special, but we can start here. Nothing says the spirit of Christmas quite like trying to capitalize on a moment for a quick buck.
Everything about the Star Wars Holiday Special is awful and should have been recognized as such the second somebody first wrote that down in the concept phase. Whoever threw together this horrid holiday headache has also jotted down in their notebook other earthshattering entertainment holiday tie-ins like Harmony Korine Easter, Pimple Popper Pre-Thanksgiving Meal Marathon, and Boxing Day With the Property Brothers.
Crazy Frog - "Last Christmas"
All I can say for this one is that I'm sorry. Truly. I am. But if I had to find out this exists and learn a way to live with that, I'm taking you all down with me.
Michael Bublé - Santa Baby
What would happen if you changed the plot of Santa Baby, which is really just about someone horny for Santa and looking to bone the jolly old dude, and instead had Michael Bublé change it to "Santa Buddy" and croon about all the gifts he wants his bro Santa to give to him.
What's the problem, Bublé? Not man enough to admit that you want to sleep with Santa? How awesome would that version of the song be? Just Michael Bublé describing vivid, nasty, hot sex with Santa. That could be the greatest Christmas song of all time, Michael Bublé painting us a vivid picture of him going reindeer-style with Santa Claus beneath the mistletoe. But, alas, he doesn't have the courage and gives us this truly horrible rendition instead.
Top image: Walt Disney Pictures