Was First Lady Nancy Reagan The Throat Goat?
Ahh, Nancy Reagan, the former First Lady of the United States famed for basically ignoring the HIV/AIDS crisis, encouraging the youth of America to “Just Say No" to drugs and for giving absolutely god-tier head? Over the past several days, an alleged aspect of her legacy has reemerged, fascinating our, weird, horny, collective consciousness -- the pervasive rumors that from her Hollywood days to her time spent in the Oval Office supporting her husband, President Ronald Reagan, as he laid the groundwork for everything we know and love, like trickle-down economics, the severe deregulation of financial markets, and right-wing death squads in South America, Nance' was out there giving legendary dome.
While some may say that rumors are just that, we, for the utmost scientific reasons, have decided to get to the bottom (or should we say top) of these whisperings, uncovering the oral, oral history of the former FLOTUS, and investigating whether or not the right-wing icon had actually managed to earn the title of the Throat Goat over the course of her 94 years on this planet.
Like most cursed things on the internet, the renewed interest in Reagan's supposed ability to give mind-blowing (pun very much intended) bj's began with every conservative mommy blogger's favorite past time – good 'ol nuance-free slut shaming. Last Thursday, Abigail Shapiro, a lifestyle YouTuber/ hot younger sister of political commentator and “WAP” cover artist, Ben Shapiro took to social media with a burning inquiry – one that was most definitely not absurdly reductive and lacking proper context -- to her roughly 65,000 Twitter followers: Would they, respectively at 63 and 64, rather be like Madonna, still posting thirst traps on main (an art trailblazed by 80-year-old Martha Stewart last year) or pose in a photo alongside their children and grandchildren while sporting a red cardigan presumably from the Talbots sale rack?
“Trashy living vs. Classic living,” Shapiro wrote alongside the two images, asking her followers “which version" of themselves to aspire to be.
Failing to take into account that one single snapshot cannot effectively sum up an entire person's existence (although if so, I'd be pretty happy considering my latest IG pic is my Atom Even Halloween costume and rearranging matter for s--ts and gigs sound pretty damn dope) despite Shapiro's implication that Madonna = bad slut and Nancy Reagan = good grandma, the reality is far, far, more nuanced. All Instagram thrist traps aside, just as Madge appears to have a strong bond with her five children, as recently exemplified in a sweet video shared to her Instagram depicting her family celebrating Thanksgiving by cooking, dancing, and playing music, conversely, the former FLOTUS also had some supposedly super spicy secret skills, namely, giving head so good all her suitors could allegedly say was “hngggggggg."
According to her 1992 unauthorized biography entitled Washington Babylon, the former FLOTUS “was renowned in Hollywood for performing oral sex...not only in the evening but in offices," it read, adding that her head skills were purportedly “one of the reasons that she was very popular on the MGM lot." And it wasn't just biographies. In a 1998 article discussing presidential oral through the lens of the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, local New York City newspaper The Village Voice claimed that "just-say-yes Nancy — in the days when she was Nancy Davis — was known to give the best blowjob in town," they continued, adding that her, erm, supposed skills “must have made her very popular with Ronnie as well.”
Yet in light of all of this conflicting evidence, unverified speculations, and the hidden agendas of Twitter influencers using the FLOTUS's alleged head game as fuel for their own political agendas one question remains – is Nancy Reagan actually the Throat GOAT? Even amid this uncertainty, the whispers making up this long-running rumor, the answer to this noble inquiry is a resounding yes – a testament not necessarily to Reagan's supposedly mind-blowing blow job skills or lack thereof, but the broader, historical implications of even being in the running for such a highly-coveted title.
There's a long-running notion that from the moment the 2016 Presidential election was called in former President Donald Trump's favor, our society slipped into a “post-truth” era. Yet in spite of this assertion, it seems the facts of our reality have never really mattered at any point in time, a phenomenon best illustrated by the highly-specific struggles of Reagan's peers – the subjects of weirdly sexual urban legends – most notably, singer Rod Stewart.
When he's not existing as the lone 5'10" space of common ground existing between TikTok-ing teens and Boomers, Stewart has cemented – or should we say semen-ted – his status as a sex icon, all thanks to an (unfortunately) debunked myth that just won't die. For decades, a rumor has consistently swirled claiming that after one night of apparently legendary partying circa the late ‘70s or early ’80s, Stewart collapsed, was rushed to the hospital, and had to have his stomach pumped after allegedly swallowing “between one pint to four quarts of semen," as Rolling Stone so scientifically described it in a 1991 profile on the artist.
“That story spread all around the f--king world,” Stewart said in an interview with the music publication at the time. “What’s amazing is that it’s a story that never appeared in the press, as far as I know. I never read it or heard it anywhere on the radio. I wasn’t even in the country at the time it supposedly happened,” he continued, reiterating that he was not, in fact gay. "It was so laughable, it never really hurt me. What could it have been? A fleet of f--king sailors? Or footballers? I mean, what the hell? Jesus Christ!”
Despite this vehement denial and speculation as to where and how, exactly, one could manage to drink enough jizz to require medical intervention, the legend has persevered, swirling around internet forums, the corners of very old school bars, and hell, even schoolyards, where I first learned of its existence from my best friend circa 2006, when we were both in fifth grade. Stewart may have never chugged down a gallon of semen, but to some, he'll always be known as the guy who chugged down a gallon of semen, all thanks to human nature and our weird fascination with celebrity sex stuff.
Even with this generally unproven sourcing, it doesn't matter whether or not Reagan had a head game that could purportedly make Riley Reid change career paths – the rumor has emerged on the internet, garnering enough traction popularity that several major news outlets felt compelled to feature this speculation among its pages. Reagan could emerge as a zombie from her grave tomorrow and tell all of us to go to Hell, and yet somewhere, in some corner of the universe, someone will still consider her the FLOTUS GOATUS, a categorization that probably everyone except for Reagan, ironically enough, would consider the honor of a lifetime. As my friend Nick, who has been sleeping on my couch for the past few weeks, so aptly put it – “that's the thing about urban legends – they belong to the streets.”
Regardless of her status, the true moral of the story lies within Ronald Reagan's hands (or lap). Considering his series of terrible, terrible presidential decisions that ultimately led to unprecedented class division on the U.S., catalyzed thousands of deaths amid the HIV/AIDS crisis, and will probably render the Earth uninhabitable in roughly a century or so, post nut clarity, even after allegedly getting dome from a woman known decades after her death as the Throat Goat, a.k.a, can only accomplish so much. True enlightenment, and leadership, comes from the storied pre-nut clarity.
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