What do you get when you mix the newest winner of the Best Director Oscar with the most critically successful film franchise of all time? Probably something pretty great if not for also mixing in a huge helping of Jack Kirby's insane nonsense from the comics that nobody has ever cared about. So instead, we got Eternals, a movie rated so low on Rotten Tomatoes that Zack Snyder wants to release a 4-hour cut of it. We sent The Editing Room to fetch the abridged script for the film, having done so many times for us in the past, and this is what they found ...

FADE IN:

EXT. PLAIN BLACK SCREEN

Instead of opening on the MARVEL STUDIOS LOGO like everyone's expecting, fans are presented with a drab, knock-off STAR WARS CRAWL, and what in the fresh hell is this?! They expect us to READ?? #notmymarvelmovie

 

SALMA HAYEK

Just go with it, okay? We're not even gonna pretend people

know what the hell our deal is, and this story's already

gonna be long enough.

 

After the first (of many) exposition dumps, all the ETERNALS get dressed for work, and RICHARD MADDEN shoots his shot.

 

GEMMA CHAN

(gazing at Planet Earth)

It's a real shithole.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

(ogling GEMMA)

Totally ... wait, what?

 

GEMMA CHAN

Oh, whoops, wrong movie.

(actual line)

It's beautiful, isn't it?

 

EXT. MESOPOTAMIA - A VERY BIG NUMBER B.C.

 

FISHERMAN

Wow, life in this era sucks so hard I can barely muster the

energy to warn my child of this huge rampaging beastie about

to chomp my entire

(dead)

 

DEVIANTS ATTACK! But swooping in to the rescue are the ETERNALS!

(pause for applause)

 

ANGELINA JOLIE

Let's quickly demonstrate all our powers. I can summon cool

shiny energy weapons!

 

DON LEE

I can punch stuff real good because the MCU was really

lacking for heroes with that power.

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

I create energy balls and then fire them at people, and yes

I got totally swole for no reason.

 

LAUREN RIDLOFF

(signing)

I run really, really fast!

 

GEMMA CHAN

I turn stuff into other stuff!

 

LIA MCHUGH

I make illusions! Also, I'm a perpetual child while the rest

of my family gets to be super hot, so that blows.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

I can fly and have super-strength and laser vision and

invulnerability and enhanced speed, so screw all you

single-powered losers.

 

GEMMA CHAN

Yeah, well, maybe I can't affect sentient beings (yet), but I

could still turn your outfit into acid, and the air around

you to solid lead, so let's not get TOO high and mighty.

(pause)

Also, I love you?

 

They team obliterates all the DEVIANT then get into their SPLASH PAGE FORMATION to finish introducing themselves.

 

BARRY KEOGHAN

Aaaand just a quick shot of mind control to make these

humans trust us. I gotta say, that is SO much easier than

having to learn diplomacy or any people skills whatsoever.

 

SALMA HAYEK

Greetings, people of Earth! We are the Eternals, sent to

protect you from the Deviants and guide your evolutionary

progress.

 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

I shall use my invention powers to boost your technology!

And many thousands of years from now, give a slight,

long-overdue nudge to your social progress as well.

 

JOE RUSSO (O.S.)

You mean my Endgame cameo didn't count?

 

GEMMA CHAN

But to start things off, allow me to fashion you a bitchin'

decorative dagger. And thus begins our long-term mission,

one that will span centuries. Hm, what musical cue would

match well with the expanse of years we're about to

experience... something that evokes the passage of something

quite vast, a fundamental dimension of our reality-

 

CUE: "TIME" BY PINK FLOYD

 

GEMMA CHAN

Well, that's a bit on the nose, but okay.

 

EXT. LONDON - VAGUELY "PRESENT DAY" BY MCU STANDARDS

Modern-day GEMMA has been alive for millennia but still can't be on time for basic adult responsibilities, so good thing her totally regular human boyfriend, KIT HARINGTON, is here to pick up the slack.

 

KIT HARINGTON

I'm openly flirting with you in front of all these pupils

because I'm a PROFESSIONAL.

 

There's a random earthquake that they deal with real quick, no big deal, and then it's straight to the PARTYING.

 

GEMMA CHAN

Kit, let's go out tonight and celebrate your birthday just

to make it super clear that Lia totally got the short end of

the stick with this whole 'eternal life' thing.

 

EXT. LONDON - NIGHT - AND YOU BETTER HOPE YOUR THEATRE BOTHERED TO REPLACE THEIR WORN-OUT PROJECTOR BULBS FROM 2019 OR GOOD LUCK, A-HOLES 

KIT, GEMMA, and LIA go out for a night of clubbing where an unknown actress gets her first MCU CREDIT as "GROWN-UP ILLUSION OF ETERNAL BEING TRAPPED IN CHILD'S BODY HAVING A NIGHT ON THE TOWN" and let's hope she has OTHER CREDITS.

 

GEMMA CHAN

Look, Kit, I got you an antique ancestral ring! It really

boosted my dating game when I started collecting ancient

relics connected to every hot young bachelor in town.

 

KIT HARINGTON

Oh, thanks! I just hope this doesn't awaken anything in me.

 

Just then a WRITHING CGI GLOBULE emerges from the river and ATTACKS!!

 

LIA MCHUGH

A Deviant?!

(channeling CHRIS PRATT in "INFINITY WAR")

How the hell is this dude still alive?

 

GEMMA CHAN

And this Deviant seems to have Salma's healing power on top

of being a Yesterday's Spaghetti monster. But all your

illusions and my transmuting everything in sight are,

strangely enough, useless against it! How can-

 

RICHARD MADDEN

(flying in)

HEY THERE ROPEY-DOPE, NOW CAN I ASK, DO YOU BLEED?

(zaps, pummels the DEVIANT)

DON'T WORRY, LONDONERS, NOTHING TO SEE HERE

(flies, lasers, wrecks stuff)

WERE WE STILL BEING ALL SECRETIVE? I FORGET.

 

Eventually, the DEVIANT is driven off, allowing us to switch from DOZENS OF INNOCENT LIVES IN PERIL back to GEMMA'S AWKWARD DATING LIFE.

 

KIT HARINGTON

So this must be Big Mister I'll Still Be Alive And Hot Long

After Puny Human Kit is Long Dead, huh? Doesn't seem all

that.

 

GEMMA CHAN

I don't understand, our Deviant-detectors assured us all the

Deviants were dead ages ago! I know those detectors can't

penetrate like two feet of ice, but still, what happened?!

 

RICHARD MADDEN

Somehow, the Deviants returned.

(pause)

Wow, imagine if we just left it at that? What assholes would

WE be, but don't worry, we do actually explain it later.

 

GEMMA CHAN

We must track down the others and warn them! Well, when I say

"track down", we know exactly where everyone is, just not

their phone numbers or emails, thus requiring a huge global

trek to actually talk to everyone face-to-face.

 

LIA MCHUGH

Told you we needed a Discord channel, but NOOOOOOO

 

KIT HARINGTON

Aanndd that's my cue. Awkwafina already did the whole 'fish

out of water' thing earlier this year, so see you guys in

the next movie.

 

GEMMA CHAN

No, wait, you can't leave; you have audience surrogate

questions to ask! At least come back in the last five

minutes plus for a super quick post-credits scene?

 

KIT HARINGTON

Deal, as long as I get to be completely cryptic about my

lineage for literally no reason.

 

EXT. FLASHBACK - STILL VERY ANCIENT TIMES BUT LESS ANCIENT THAN THE OPENING SCENE 

The ETERNALS are merrily advancing society, like you do.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

We have less than zero chemistry, Gemma, but since we're

both perfect physical specimens, how about we ...

(wiggles his eyebrows)

Bow chicka wow wow?

 

GEMMA CHAN

Okay! But since this is the MCU's first actual sex scene,

we're only allowed "brief sexuality," so let's keep it

really missionary.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

Well, we are missionaries. We're on a mission.

 

GEMMA CHAN

AW YEAH, HOT BUT NOT BRIGHT THAT'S MY JAM C'MERE YOU

 

EXT. SALMA'S SOUTH DAKOTA CRAPHOLE - PRESENT DAY 

GEMMA, already sick of this whole leading lady business, convinces the trio that they should start at SALMA HAYEK'S FARM, only to find out that she has BOUGHT THE FARM!

 

GEMMA CHAN

Noooo! I could have sworn they signed her to at

least two more movies! And what about those trailer lines

she hasn't said yet?

 

RICHARD MADDEN

Well, she's totes dead. Obviously, the Deviants got her,

right? We all agree that's the only possible explanation,

right? Looks like case closed to me.

(puts dossier in "SOLVED CASES" filing cabinet, locks

cabinet, throws down a hole)

 

As everyone grieves, SALMA'S THROATBUD leaves her body and wedges itself into GEMMA! Instantly she finds herself addressing the BIG BOI CELESTIAL!

 

GEMMA CHAN

Yoiks! So, ah, I guess I should get fully briefed on our

true mission?

 

BIG BOI CELESTIAL

INDEED, MY CHILD. BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE DEVASTATING TRUTH

OF-

(pause)

OH, ACTUALLY, THE DOG JUST GRABBED MY POT ROAST OFF THE TABLE

GOTTA GO BYEEE

(disconnects)

 

EXT. FLASHBACK - SLIGHTLY LESS ANCIENT TIMES THAN BEFORE 

Our heroes are busy not interfering in a WAR by STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO IT instead of being HOURS AWAY or whatever.

 

JEFFREY WRIGHT

Pretty sure that whole 'not interfering' business started

with me...

 

SALMA HAYEK

Pssh, you're just from a puny animated show that's not even

canon.

(pauses, considers)

Or is it?...

 

KEVIN FEIGE

(poker face)

I'll never tell.

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

It sucks that we can't interfere in human conflict, but

after all, it's not like our goal is to keep the maximum

number of humans alive so they can reach a certain

population threshold or something.

 

LAUREN RIDLOFF

(signing)

Ha ha it's true, if THAT were our only goal, we'd be better

off breeding them like docile sheep! Ha ha ha. I bet Barry

could help with that.

(winks)

 

ANGELINA JOLIE

Well, I don't have my own storyline yet, so screw it, I'm

going mad! Blargh blorgh yarbity blarb!

(attacks everyone)

 

The others eventually subdue ANGELINA after a bit of that sweet sweet HERO-ON-HERO FIGHT ACTION.

 

DON LEE

I'm afraid Angelina has got Mudhoney syndrome. Sadly, however,

there is no cure for the Muad'dibby. And if her Mozzarella

progresses, it will destroy her brain entirely, and Angie's

too high billed for a one-off cameo. We gotta figure this

out!

 

SALMA HAYEK

It's a bit drastic, but I can stop her Mulaney by rebooting

her entire charac-

 

ANGELINA JOLIE

NO NO NO THIS IS THE MCU NOT DC WE'RE NOT REBOOTING EVERY

CHARACTER EVERY TEN MINUTES, OKAY?!

 

DON LEE

I agree. No reboots. I'll keep watch over Angelina through

the eras and make sure she's never rebooted, not even by

Alicia Vikander.

 

BARRY KEOGHAN

I still don't get why I have these god-level mind control

powers and can't really use them. I know Phase One leaned a

bit hard on mind control, but c'mon, when was the last time

a Marvel movie built everything around mind-

 

SCARLETT JOHANSSON AND FLORENCE PUGH

(cough)

 

BARRY KEOGHAN

Whatever, I don't care. I'm taking these two armies, and

ONLY them, and marching off to have an epic, centuries-long

pout!

(leaves)

 

LAUREN RIDLOFF

(makes "heart fluttering" gestures)

 

SALMA HAYEK

I guess this is a good time as any for ALL of us to pursue

our solo projects. Was gonna wait until Brian finished that

ice-penetration modification on the Deviant Detector, but

hell with it. Mission accomplished, everyone!

 

INT. BOLLYWOOD MOVIE SET - PRESENT DAY 

To prevent the MARVEL JOKE METER from becoming precariously low, the group heads to Mumbai to reunite with KUMAIL the COMEDIAN, so he's gotta be funny, right?

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

(gesticulating wildly)

You can't tell I had barely any time to prep for this dance

number, right?

 

RICHARD MADDEN

... Don't quit your day job.

 

LIA MCHUGH

Hey Kumail, Salma's dead.

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

Damn, and to think I was gonna invite her to my next movie

premiere. Hey Richard, you wanna come instead?

 

GEMMA CHAN

Well, this was pointless. Who's next on the shortlist?

 

HARISH PATEL

Sir, did you tell them about the private plane?

 

GEMMA CHAN

(suddenly interested)

Forget what I said before. Kumail, you're imperative to this

mission.

 

EXT. DOWN UNDER 

The growing posse heads to Australia to find ANGIE and DON, who are living in possibly platonic(?) domestic bliss, aside from whenever ANGIE suffers a violent episode of MAHOGANY.

 

DON LEE

Oh, hey guys, was that an earthquake, or am I just a closeted

alcoholic using the bottle to cope with my centuries-old

decision to be a caregiver for a woman who'll never let me

escape the friendzone?

(laughs dryly)

 

LIA MCHUGH

Uh, you doing okay down here, buddy? Is Angie still cuckoo

for Cocoa Puffs?

 

DON LEE

Apparently, I've been busy making beer out of my own spit, so

I guess at least one of us is.

 

ANGELINA JOLIE

(staring into the middle distance)

Sadly I still suffer from the Mind Wedgie. On the plus side,

I feel confident that my condition is well controlled and

won't get anyone I care about killed. Well, not directly.

 

DON LEE

Hm?

 

GEMMA CHAN

(interrupting)

Listen up, Don, I can't get Salma's orb thing to work, the

one that lets me listen to the Big Boi Celestial. Oh if only

I could listen to its guidance! Any ideas?

 

DON LEE

Have you tried ... listening?

 

GEMMA CHAN

You're a genius!

(listens)

 

GEMMA activates the CELESTIAL ZOOM! The connection is definitely still spotty, but it'll have to do.

 

BIG BOI CELESTIAL

HEY THERE, GEMMA, I GUESS WE'RE FAR ENOUGH INTO THE MOVIE FOR

A BIG RUG-PULLING TWIST. SO BASICALLY, Y'ALL ARE LIKE

WESTWORLD ROBOTS, BUT THE HBO VERSION, NOT THE OLD MOVIE

VERSION.

 

GEMMA CHAN

Our homeworld is a lie? Did you create the Deviants, too?

 

BIG BOI CELESTIAL

YEAH, ON EACH WORLD, WE PICK A FUZZY SQUISHY MAMMAL AND SEND

DEVIANTS TO KILL THEIR PREDATORS. BUT THEN DEVIANTS

EVENTUALLY EVOLVE TO KILL THE MAMMALS. THIS HAS BACKFIRED

EVERY TIME FOR A BILLION YEARS — WHEN WILL WE LEARN,

AMIRITE?

 

GEMMA CHAN

So you have us kill the Deviants and advance the squishy

civilization until-

 

BIG BOI CELESTIAL

ONCE THERE ARE ENOUGH PEOPLE, THEIR ENERGY RELEASES THE

CELESTIAL HIDDEN INSIDE THE PLANET, CRACKING IT OPEN LIKE A

BIG KINDER SURPRISE. THIS IS THE EMERGENCE, THOUGH THE REAL

VERSION WILL GO MUCH SLOWER THAN THIS ILLUSTRATION I'M

SHOWING YOU NOW — PLENTY OF TIME FOR HEROICS TO INTERRUPT

THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS.

 

GEMMA CHAN

There's a giant-ass Celestial inside the Earth? How has

nobody noticed this?

 

BIG BOI CELESTIAL

BECAUSE SHUT UP, THAT'S HOW. ANYWAY, ONCE THE NEW CELESTIAL

EMERGES, THEY WILL CREATE TONS OF NEW WORLDS FULL OF NEW

LIFE SO IT'S TOTES WORTH IT, AT LEAST FOR THE WORLDS WE

DON'T LATER DESTROY TO MAKE NEW CELESTIALS BUT DON'T WORRY

ABOUT THAT.

 

GEMMA ends the call and tells the others the HORRIBLE NEWS!

 

DON LEE

Damn, maybe I shouldn't have told you to listen after all ...

(brightens up)

Well, I think we should save Earth; it's pretty cool. And I

really wanna see how The Expanse ends, so we need to delay

things another few months at least.

 

LIA MCHUGH

But none of our powers mean squat against a new Celestial!

 

GEMMA CHAN

Mentally overpowering a giant nebulous foe totally worked

for Tom and Sophia a few months ago. Safe to assume, for some

reason, it'll work for us, too.

(pauses, remembers)

We need Barry.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

Who?

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

Oh right, that guy.

 

EXT. AMAZONIAN CULT 

The ever-expanding entourage makes their way to the AMAZON to find BARRY and exploit him for his mind control powers. Upon arriving, they discover that BARRY, to no one's surprise, has mind-controlled a bunch of folks and TAKEN AN ENTIRE TOWN HOSTAGE!

 

ELIZABETH OLSEN

Suureeeee, when I do it, it's "morally wrong," but when Barry

controls everyone, it's considered strangely sexy.

 

BARRY KEOGHAN

(startlingly Irish)

Can't believe I get to use my real accent for once. Also, I

hate all of you, and I couldn't care less about your dumb

plan. Please screw off.

 

While in the midst of waiting for BARRY to come around, another horrendously-lit DEVIANT fight sequence breaks out!

 

LIA MCHUGH

Pretty sure Don just got killed by the same Deviant that

offed Salma, but honestly, it's so dark that it could have

been anyone.

 

The DEVIANT evolves to gain the power of DAN STEVENS IMPERSONATION.

 

DAN STEVENS

I TOLD you guys I wasn't in this movie, but no one believed

me! The press just wouldn't let it go.

 

ANDREW GARFIELD

Tell me about it!

 

MARVEL FANS

You're not fooling anyone, Andrew.

 

ANGELINA JOLIE

Umm, can we get back on track? Spider-Man doesn't come out

for another six weeks, and I'm trying to grieve Don over

here.

 

BARRY KEOGHAN

(shrugs apathetically)

People suck, Angie. This shouldn't be news to you after 7000

years.

 

In another part of the forest, RICHARD battles in a tight t-shirt, and GEMMA levels up.

 

GEMMA CHAN

Oh, wow, I somehow transmuted the Deviant into wood! I guess

I CAN affect sentient beings after all, all by myself!

 

RICHARD MADDEN

Don't you mean you can only do that if you're connected to

everyone else, plus a Celestial, in an incredibly rare

situation?

 

GEMMA CHAN

No, I just did it without-

(checks the last few pages of the script)

Oh, right, what you said.

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

Anyway, we clearly now need Brian and Lauren because the big

finale can't happen until we've visited everyone.

 

EXT. FLASHBACK - HIROSHIMA (NOT A TIME FOR JOKES) 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY is rightfully devastated at the WWII aftermath of his technological advancements, and even more rightfully finished with the idea of ever helping crappy humans again, a sentiment a lot of folks can relate to these days.

 

EXT. CHICAGO? THAT'S IT? OKAY... - PRESENT DAY

After several decades, BRIAN TYREE HENRY has recovered from his justifiably nihilistic worldview and moved on to become the most stable family man in the entire MCU, which is where GEMMA and RICHARD find him.

 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

My off-screen romance with the lovely Haaz Sleiman is the

only thing that saved me from the knowledge that you guys

totally abandoned me for most of this movie's runtime.

 

GEMMA CHAN

Brian, didn't you hear? This is Marvel's "mature" movie.

 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Wait, you mean I actually get to unambiguously interact with

my same-sex life partner onscreen?

 

DISNEY CEO BOB CHAPEK

Buddy, you even get to kiss each other — and right smack in

the center of the screen, too, so it'll be extra hard for us

to cut it out of the footage for objecting countries.

 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Wow, really? That's uncharacteristically big of you.

 

DISNEY CEO BOB CHAPEK

Eh, those countries aren't even a drop in the bucket for our

global box office haul.

 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Aaannnddd, there it is.

 

EXT. IRAQ ARCHAEOLOGICAL SITE 

BARRY manipulates innocent archaeologists to abandon their work so that he can flirt with his girlfriend LAUREN in the privacy of the ETERNALS' GIANT SPACESHIP, where she's lived underground for centuries waiting for those last few KICKSTARTER GAMES to finally arrive.

 

LAUREN RIDLOFF

(signing)

Hey guys! Finally! I've been waiting to announce that I'm

gonna be the only speedster to survive their first MCU

appearance.

 

GEMMA CHAN

Lauren, quick catch-up time. Salma & Don are done like

dinner, our boss totally lied to us (what else is new?), and

the world is gonna end in like 12 hours or so.

 

LAUREN RIDLOFF

(signing)

Shouldn't y'all have just come to me first? I'm already in

the home base and could have recruited everyone else in like

12 seconds flat.

 

GEMMA CHAN

...We don't have time for your good ideas! Can you find the

point of emergen-

 

LAUREN RIDLOFF

(signing)

It's an island volcano in the Indian Ocean, which is sure to

delight all the "extinction volcano" conspiracy theorists in

the audience. Anything else you need me to solve instantly?

 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

I'm beginning to see why the speedsters usually get killed

off.

 

EXT. FLASHBACK - SOUTH DAKOTA, SIX DAYS AGO 

RICHARD and a still-breathing SALMA reenact their conversation from the trailer.

 

SALMA HAYEK

Humanity is wonderful and worth saving, even though we've

hardly shown any evidence to actually support this claim. So

I've changed my mind about killing everyone.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

How dare you defy Big Boi Celestial, Salma?! Blind obedience

to a higher authority has NEVER proven problematic in ANY of

the thousands of years of history we've personally

witnessed.

 

AUDIENCE

Uhh...

 

SALMA HAYEK

Also, Richard, you've never been my favorite. It's high time

you knew the truth.

 

RICHARD, the jealous bitch that he is, flies them to ALASKA and then immediately tosses SALMA to the wolves- I mean WOLF-SHAPED DEVIANTS.

 

SALMA HAYEK

They were under ... the ice! How did we not realize-

(dies)

 

INT. THE ETERNALSMOBILE - PRESENT DAY 

RICHARD has been silent for most of this act, but now it's his turn to SPEAK UP.

 

RICHARD MADDEN

There's enough of us that I figured we could kill off a few

and still have room left over for me to become a villain.

BTW, y'all can consider yourselves dead if you don't agree

with Big Boi Celestial's original plan that you were kept in

the dark about until yesterday but that I've had thousands

of years to come to terms with.

 

BARRY KEOGHAN

Wow, an 11th-hour villain twist. Shocker.

(yawns)

I gotta say, everyone thought it'd be me, based on the

trailers and the source material and my overall broody

persona.

 

LIA MCHUGH

Richard, I'm coming with you. And no, it's not exceptionally

weird that I've been pining for you for millennia.

 

Rather than make quick work of killing everyone right then and there, RICHARD and LIA peace out to go to the POINT OF EMERGENCE, presumably to set the stage for a more flashy third-act finale.

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

I just wanna say that I called that. Also, I happen to think

Richard is right, but I can't bring myself to fight any of

you. Therefore, I'm just gonna hang back and then provide

comic relief to whoever wins, cool?

 

EXT. ISLAND VOLCANO SOON TO BE THE SITE OF THE BIGGEST ISLAND DISASTER SINCE FYRE FESTIVAL

 

RICHARD MADDEN

You don't stand a chance against the combined power of me

and Lia! Granted, most of that is my power, but still —

you're all screwed! HAHAHAHA

 

RICHARD is clearly a tactician, though, because he immediately takes out BARRY, the linchpin of their whole plan, instead of faffing around with everyone else as most MCU fights would do. But then!

 

LAUREN RIDLOFF

(pummels Richard with 5000 blows in 5 seconds)

 

BRIAN TYREE HENRY

Oh, hey, look, I brought my defeat-Richard machine.

(defeats Richard)

 

RICHARD MADDEN

(trapped)

I may have been a tad overconfident.

 

Meanwhile ANGELINA faces off against BILL SKARSGÅRD, aka NOT DAN STEVENS, who's back for no comprehensible reason!

 

BILL SKARSGÅRD

You can't defeat me, Angie, especially when you're still

afflicted with the Marscapone. Soon I shall have your powers

as well, and maybe evolve the ability to understand NFTs

because seriously, what is UP with that nonsense-

 

ANGELINA JOLIE

(snapping out of trance)

C'MON DUDE, IT'S SUCH AN OBVIOUS SCAM!

(slices up SKARSGÅRD)

 

Meanwhile, over on the HATCHLING CELESTIAL'S volcano shell, GEMMA makes her way towards the emergence point.

 

SALMA HAYEK

Stop, Gemma!

(to herself)

Hey cool, between flashbacks and illusions, turns out I can

still be in quite a bit of this movie.

 

Sure enough, it's just a TRICK, enabling LIA to distract GEMMA enough to literally STAB HER IN THE BACK!

 

LIA MCHUGH

Sorry to go full Loki on you — it's all I could think of.

 

GEMMA CHAN

That's okay; you gave me one of those special MCU torso

wounds that's both super dramatic but also totally

ignorable.

(turns blade to water, sprints towards Celestial)

 

GEMMA gets into position just as RICHARD breaks free from BRIAN and confronts her!

 

RICHARD MADDEN

Damn, I can't hurt you, Gemma. I guess I'll join forces with

you after all, and perhaps with all our essences combined

you can pull this off!

 

KUMAIL NANJIANI

(running up bar tab on the mainland)

Well, I still think Earth should die, so whatevs.

(slurps his mocktail)

 

Everyone links hands to grab the POWER STONE just kidding FORM A UNI-MIND, giving GEMMA the power to turn the new CELESTIAL into STONE, YAAAY!!! EARTH IS SAVED!

 

GEMMA CHAN

Plus, I conveniently have JUUUUST enough residual energy

thingie stuff to turn Lia into a regular human character,

which we should probably do since you're going to age in

real-life anyway, right?

 

Meanwhile, RICHARD, consumed with regret, YEETS HIMSELF INTO THE SUN just to provide one last example of SOMETHING STUPID KIT HARINGTON CAN'T DO.,

 

RICHARD MADDEN

(burning up)

Ah, how poetic, to perish in a fashion similar to the human

myth I inspired. Which now that I think of it, I'm sure glad

Icarus didn't die from gorging on ice cream or crushed by a

falling piano or autoerotic asphyxiation or whatever because

this would be FAR less poignant

(dead)

 

EXT. VARIOUS EARTH LOCATIONS 

GEMMA, KUMAIL, BRIAN, and LIA return to their normal lives, with a new perspective on their daily struggles and-

 

BIG BOI CELESTIAL

UM, EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU SERIOUS, DID YOU SERIOUSLY NOT THINK

I'D BE PRETTY PISSED ABOUT ALL THIS?!

 

GEMMA CHAN

I suppose this is something we should have prepared

foOOOORRRR

(whisked into space!)

 

BIG BOI CELESTIAL

(grabbing Gemma, Kumail, and Brian)

YOU SHALL COME WITH ME, AND I SHALL JUDGE WHETHER YOU SHALL

SURVIVE. THE JUDGING PROCESS WILL TAKE THREE TO FOUR YEARS

AND SHALL CONSIDER SUCH DELICATE MORAL QUESTIONS AS COMBINED

BOX OFFICE GROSS AND STREAMING NUMBERS

(vanishes!)

 

RANDOM BYSTANDER

Oh, no! Only someone with a deep personal connection to

Arthurian legend could possibly solve THIS dilemma!

(looks around wildly)

 

KIT HARINGTON

Hmmm.

 

EXT. MID-CREDITS SCENE 

As the REMAINING ETERNALS set to work creating a reason to NOT APPEAR IN OTHER CURRENT MCU PROJECTS, the screen cuts to a close-up of a tweet from a soon-to-be-banned-from-Marvel-screenings Variety reporter.

 

MATT DONNELLY'S TWITTER ACCOUNT

(stuck on caps lock)

HEY, GUYS, CHECK IT OUT; HARRY STYLES IS ACTING AGAIN! EVERYONE

FOLLOW ME THIS IS TOTALLY THE BIGGEST SCOOP EVER!

 

MARVEL FANS ON TWITTER

Douche.

 

HARRY STYLES

Yeah, mate, not cool.

 

EXT. POST-CREDITS SCENE 

KIT HARINGTON wakes up from his 2.5-hour nap in a laundromat to go and dramatically open a SWORD-SHAPED BOX in some swanky office somewhere.

 

KIT HARINGTON

Did everyone know that I have a super-secret and convoluted

family history? Kevin Feige, are you listening? Sounds like

perfect fodder for a Disney+ series, methinks.

(apprehensively reaches for the EBONY BLADE like a total

wimp)

 

MAHERSHALA ALI (O.S.)

Have fun overanalyzing my one spoken line of dialogue here,

nerds.

 

END

Top Image: Marvel Studios

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